So tonight I have scheduled a moment to toss my wedding ring. Mind you, this is my silver ring, I will keep the gold one just in case one of my daughters would like to have it.
What is this whole ring toss thing about? I guess its a fairly common thing. People stop by a lake somewhere and give it the old heave ho. It supposed to bring a sense of closure and peace. Perhaps it can be a time of reflection on the past and a powering forward into the future. I like the idea.
A couple years ago my friend went and did this. That was when I had first heard of this idea. His story stuck. I found myself drawn into the rawness and brutality that such a moment could bring. I purposed to do the same when my divorce came.
But let me talk about the wedding ring a bit.
When we married we were broke, dig in the couch for dinner money broke. Somehow we got these inexpensive rings. I vowed to buy her a better one at a later date. We eventually got better rings, but it was done on credit, and that provided yet another point of contention that we would utterly fail to work out.
The ring I had gotten married in became too small. Years of married life had expanded my horizons :) For an anniversary she had it resized. Resizing it probably cost more than it had originally cost. But it was quite a gift!
I never wore my ring. I made up some crap about safety at work. The reality was, I just never wore jewelry. It felt uncomfortable. It made my finger raw.
I tried wearing the resized ring. Then one night I took it off, set it on the table next to the couch, and marched my way to the bottom of many beers. The ring got thrown away in the morning with the beer caps. I want to cry just writing that. My ring and ultimately my marriage were swept away in a flurry of beer caps and shot glasses. Damn.
Shortly after becoming sober I went to the store and found an identical ring. I bought it, put it on, and have only taken it off to sleep. When I wake up and put it on, it reminds me of her and my hope for restoration. I knew it would be uncomfortable but I figured that it would help me remember to pray for her. Every time I thought about my wedding ring I would have a quite moment. It worked very well.
My ring finger has a groove in it. It has a distinct tan line. The fingers next to it are callused just right so the rubbing isn't an issue. I can't imagine not wearing it. I am scared. I suppose that when I look down upon that naked finger I should take a moment and make sure I am present. I imagine some pain coming my way when I miss the ring.
Thinking about it now, I think it is like a comfort blanket. A small indicator to me and the world that my marriage still has hope. I gentle reminder that I belonged to someone. Someone who, although I did not understand her present behavior, I trusted her character.
Back to the ring toss.
Where should I go to toss it? I asked my friend and he asked me if we had a special spot that had a specific meaning. No special places by lakes or streams came to mind. But one memory did come to mind.
Shortly after becoming sober she and I met up and went to a meeting together. After the meeting I took her back to her car. It was in the Costco parking lot. We sat and talked. I put some music on and tried to dance with her. She was embarrassed, but she was laughing and seemed so happy. I asked her for a kiss. Fireworks!!!!
There were literal fireworks going off as we kissed! The baseball game had ended nearby and they were setting them off. Our timing was awesome!
I placed a lot of hope in that moment. I bought her a card, that when opened would light up and make fireworks sounds. I saw her face when she opened the card. She didn't know it would make sounds. We were in public and she was slightly embarrassed. But I could tell that it meant something to her. Priceless!
I had hoped she would open the card from time to time and she could remember back. She could remember the hope. She could remember the excitement. She could remember me. But, she ended up forgetting.
I wonder what faded faster, the batteries in the card, or her love for me?
I think its obvious where I must go tonight. I will park by the same tree. I will bring up her face and all the memories we had. I will think back on that evening and all the hope it gave me. Then I will let her go. I will let the hope go.
I will find a storm drain or something to throw the ring into.
I think it would have been easier to have thrown it into a random lake. I think this makes it much more real. If there are fireworks going off tonight I may have to shoot myself. That would be way too much.
