Should feel

  I should feel _______ about ________, but I really feel _______.

  That sentence can be powerful. It allows me to place, in a proper context, the struggles I have identifying and relating troubling feelings.

  It's not an original idea that I came up with. I heard about it listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour. That is quite a show! Enjoy it if you have the means. But be forwarned, reality is ugly and hard and he doesn't shy away from the difficult discussions. It's not a "G" rated show!

  So let's practice filling in the blanks!

  I should feel sad about going into this holiday season single for the first time, but I really feel relieved.

  Ok....that was a softball. Let's get gritty!

  I should feel upset that my dad is fighting cancer and doesn't appear to have much time left to live, however I feel happy that his time of weakness has brought us closer together.

  Immediately I want to fill that last statement with disclaimers, something to take the edge off, but that's the point of this excercise! Part of my struggles in life has been to try and act as tho what I am feeling isn't really so. I was burdening myself trying to figure out the proper feeling to have and it brought untold anxiety into my life. Today I am free to just feel. If the people I share those feelings with are safe people, then I can express my disturbing emotions without fear of being condemned or cast away.

  What then makes someone a safe person? Within the confines of this topic, a safe person is someone who can hear the difficult things yet remain unaffected emotionally. They aren't invested in the controversy.

  I should feel happy for having so many friends who I can be authentic with, but I feel a tinge of grief as I recall how horribly I treated others in the past. I wasn't a safe person.

  So, dig into that first sentence some. I believe it can be a gateway into understanding how our perceptions of other peoples requirements can break our spirits. It freed me up to express the dark stuff.

  I should feel embarrassed about sharing the dark stuff in these blogs, but instead I feel free and often laugh at how disturbing I actually can be.

  Sometimes I prefer to go dark, it gives me the giggles.

 

Alpha Doormats

  Just the title of this post kinda evokes strong feelings, right?

  What the heck is an Alpha Doormat?

  Last night my favorite podcast threw the term out. I identified immediatly. It describes, in two words, something I had been struggling to pin down for years. It mashed together my two personalities.

  How was I able to be so codependent, yet domineering, all at the same? Was being controlled and controlling a large factor in my failures as a man? Why was I unable to listen and empathize whilst feeling unheard and marginalized? 

  I am an Alpha Doormat!

  Without knowing much of any actual thing about this label/title, let me commence with my opinion. (Just cause I don't know anything about a particular subject, that has never limited my ability to have heartfelt and strong opinions about the matter) Go Alphas!

  My childhood was filled with menace. There wasn't much of a place to safely express or hold opinions. My desire was to do everything possible to maintain peace. Massive sacrifices were made to placate my dominant father. He terrified me. I was his doormat.

  This overwhelming urge to have peace, at any cost, spilled over into my adult life. Somewhere I discovered that the battle for peace could be won by dominating the equation. If I could bully you, I wouldn't be walked on. I should be happy then!

  We see this played out on the big stage of life. Total control versus giving in. Military action versus diplomatic relations. Mom versus Dad.

  No matter what side I chose to follow, it was all about me. How to make me comfortable. Make me comfortable and all will be well. But life is rarely comfortable. We scurry from elation to depression. Somehow I convinced myself that I could CONTROL things.

  Control!!!!!!!!!

  That is what is really at the heart of this Alpha Doormat thingy. If I could somehow control people I could be happy.

  Why won't people just obey me? I'm a smart dude. Obey!!!!!

  If I needed to be walked on to gain control, or if I needed to dominate, I would have my control. And it damn near killed me.

  Powerlessness is the solution. Having a power greater than yourself run things helps relieve me of my control issues. If God runs things, I'm cool to fail!

  It's perhaps an oversimplification to just hand it over to a power greater than yourself. Every twist and turn of my deranged mind fights giving it over. I like the power. I like thinking I can change things. I was taught that I could.

  Anyways, I hope this got thru. The Alpha Doormat thing really slapped me silly. I'm gonna bring it up in my upcoming conversations. Maybe I will appear really smart, then I could control the conversation. Then they will obey me.

  Just kidding!!!