Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Counsel

(When someone asks 4 ur counsel or feedback, ask them 1st if they want "counsel" or "encouragement." The former may not feel like the latter.) - Dr. Henry Cloud

  When I read that Tweet it hit me right between the eyes. How many time have I been guilty of giving advice, when really what I was being asked to give was compassion? Far too many.

  Its starting to disturb me. I see it crop up in the most simple of conversations! Its like I have an innate need to solve problems. I blame testosterone. Who doesn't, right?!!

  Ugh

  How did I live for so long not caring about other peoples experiences? When did I start solving problems rather than actually caring? It grieves me. I guess the good news is that there will always be heartache and I can redeem myself by caring and not solving.

  Hooray for your future heartache! I can feel better by not solving it! Oh wow. Narcissistic much?

  I know, I know....that's not really what's being said here. But I marvel at my degree of self involvement even when pondering how it is I can help others. I am truly incapable of loving another above myself. Platitudes can't perform.

  But I will keep trying, OK? Come at me with your problems bro! I promise to not solve any of them. I will just be there to here you and be upset with you. Maybe once that's done then we will start solving stuff, but usually just letting the feeling out solves most problems.

  I guess I just want to relax a bit. Painful situations are OK for a spell. We can take walks and discuss the stuff. But we don't have to always solve everything. That's freedom and grace!

 

 

Monday, July 21, 2014

The Obituary

  A couple of posts ago I mentioned writing an obituary about my marriage. Turns out its much more difficult to get started writing that than I thought. My attempt here is to describe why it is hard, and how I can't possibly do it justice.

  Twice in my life I have had to say goodbye to everyone.

  The first happened just after highschool. Having been moved around a lot growing up, I never had a close group of friends. But highschool had changed that. The first three years were spent at Riverside Christian Highschool and I had gained many friends. Chaos and confusion in my life gradually consumed the friendships, leading me to leave all of them behind. The culminating moment was when I stole a battery charger from a friends garage. When I was discovered I was so embarrassed and shamed I never went back.

  So when my ex and I started seeing each other, it was with that wreckage in my not so distant past. Somehow I knew that I would someday hurt my bride and I would be alone again. So I kept guarded and medicated with drugs, alcohol, and pornography. Mediocre attempts were tried to stop those behaviors, but they were halfhearted and short lived.

  Gradually my family felt the impact of my sickness. It was a slow motion travesty.

  I had become an expert on building facades. I could present myself as one who had it all together, yet inside I was a mess. My wife saw the disparity but was helpless to intervene.

  My drinking became steadily worse. Blackouts were common. I didn't know it at the time, but energy drinks and hard alcohol is a recipe for amnesia. I drank both frequently.
  Sometimes the blackouts were amusing, often tragic. Trying to piece together who I had talked to, and what we had talked about, was always an adventure.

  But the blackouts grew dark. Arguments and horrible behaviors came out when I drank. It was a brutal lifestyle. My last night drunk was July 5th of 2010, and I had behaved very badly.

  (I am sorry I won't write about the specifics in this forum. The people I hurt and the stuff I did aren't things for public consumption. They are things that get talked about in close personal settings.)

  We separated. That became the second time I have had to let everyone go. This time I had to say goodbye to my own children. Fuck me. Nothing can prepare a man for that kind of pain.

  My children are still very hurt by who I was. Reconciliation hasn't started between us yet. People in recovery tell me to just stay the course and become well, someday I can make those amends. It hurts to think about how long that will take.

  A couple of days ago my older daughter referred to me as Josh, not Dad. She went on to say that she wasn't ready to talk. Guess I am further away than I had even guessed.

  This is another one of those blogs that is all over the place. I hope it makes sense.

  My ex and I never talk, and my kids don't want to talk to me either. I wish I could escape. How much pain can one guy truly bear?

  Escaping isn't even a viable option anymore. Having made contact with my true self severed the connection I had with distraction. The darkness and fog aren't attractive anymore. Its like I see a beautiful distant land on the horizon, and addiction is a storm I had crossed a while ago in the sea. I may not be on the distant shore yet, but I sure as hell ain't gonna turn the ship around.

  How am I supposed to write an obituary?

  Do I love her? Yes
  Do I miss her? Yes
  Were there times of joy? Yes
  What about holidays? Many were great

  See what I am doing there? There is nothing to learn from documenting the moments in a clinical sort of way. I need to cherish the good times and be grateful for them. In a sense I should work towards achieving a state of peace towards the past.

  So maybe someday I will write it all down. Perhaps in a novel or something. That would be fun. What could I call that book? It should be a comedy, a tragic comedy. Insert silly book title here.

  Writing an long obituary isn't feasible. I don't feel emotionally centered enough to do it. I twinge in pain as I think about happy memories, and I roil in horror at the bad ones. There isn't much I can look at without a degree of sadness.

  I hate being defined by my past. Someday, hopefully, my daughters will reach out to me. Someday, hopefully, I can reconcile with my ex (keeping in mind that reconciliation can mean just being able to make amends and thus be able to amicably talk).

  Will I write an obituary? Perhaps not all in one chunk. I think I will document the memories in the blog. This may bring a focus to these writings. Then again, I may continue my random thoughts. Either way, I walk away from these notes a bit refreshed. I really like the ability to go back and reread my past thoughts.

  Except for the misspellings and bad phrases, I hate seeing those! You with me, right?!!! I mean, come on, the emotions and realism is good and all, but try and edit a little! Who can read such ramblings!
 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Kettle Falls welcome sign

Kettle Falls

  My job often takes me to the same places every week. As I do my routine, I often overlook the beauty that surrounds me. Here I am, a guy who frequently drives all over the Northwest, becoming blasé in my appreciation of the grandeur.

Huge mountains with staggering glaciers on them? Meh, saw it last week.
A massive river with 100+ ft waterfalls? Yawn, I drive by it all the time.

  I could keep going. That's not the point. The point is, I am often too wrapped up in my own plaque to look at the world in child-like wonder. My awe vanished.

  So I had an unusual delivery on Friday. It went north of Spokane 90 miles to this cute little town called Kettle Falls. After dropping the load at the mill I parked by the river. Stunning. Absolutely stunning.

  In the middle of the night I woke up and just listened for a while. Complete silence. Not even the sound of a humpy frog. What an unusual sound. Silence.

  Whoever hijacked my sense of wonder and awe, would you mind returning them? I think I am missing out on some spectacular things.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Grieving

  I was told that the grieving process would come in waves. I was told that some days would be good while others painful. Any attempt to circumnavigate heavy emotions just delay becoming better.

  Today is one of the tougher days. Its her birthday. Everything inside of me wants to send her a note. My mind screams, "Just show her that you care!" But the issue is not whether or not she knows that I care, its that she has chosen to not want that sort of contact.

  So, I write this specific note in an attempt to quiet my mind:

  Happy Birthday Jodi,
  I hope someone reaches out to you and shows you that they care. I hope the cards, notes, and gifts really make your day. When you blow out the candles, may your wishes come true.
  Love, Josh

  0_0

  That opens my eyes just writing that note. I am inexorably tied to her. My struggles with the separation are slowly subsiding. That makes me a bit sad. Its like I want the pain. Like somehow without the pain all the years would mean nothing. Forgetting isn't possible, but being OK doesn't seem right. If I am able to accept and move on, then maybe we never had love anyways.

 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Comfort

  Just got done talking to my sponsor. Today marks four years sober! Woot!

  Tonight I am going to my home group and get my coin. Strange thing tho, I woke up wanting to go without my wedding ring. Then I could pick up a babe! Happy four years to me, right?!! Let's celebrate with a smooch!

  Whoa there turbo! I am in no shape to start dating, its just that I want the comfort of feeling attractive. The knowledge that I am desired really appeals to me.

  But what could I attract right now?

  If she was healthy and smart, she would not be attracted. She would look at my current divorce, the separation of my kids, and conclude that I wasn't ready yet. She would be a  wise woman to conclude that. I need more healing.

  On the other hand, a woman new in recovery would fit the bill quite nicely! She would be worried that she was damaged goods. She would see my four years as quite attractive. She could instantly think I am a white knight come to rescue her. We would forge a new path into the depths of despair....holding hands!

  What part of that sounds wise? I wear this ring for that reason. I cannot be trusted when an attractive woman gives me  "those eyes". I turn into a teenage boy full of raging hormones. I have always been suave, only now I can speak the language of recovery, so I could carefully craft my words to attract her emotionally as well. Disaster!

  I want a companion. Someone whom I can bless and be blessed by. I need to be careful that I don't fall into a relationship out of desperation or loneliness. Some more healing has to take place. A finalized divorce might be a good idea also!

  So yeah, women are great comforters. I want to be comforted. Maybe I will just go flirt. What could possibly go wrong?!!!

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Go see the fireworks

  I am on the eve of my fourth year being sober! Woohoo! It has been terribly painful and immensely rewarding. I have lost friends and gained new ones. The relationships I have now are authentic and powerful. Life is pretty good.

  The last night that I got drunk was July 4th of 2010. On the 5th I had a couple of beers and was getting ready to plow in yet one more time. That was the moment when I was told exactly what kind of jerk I am when I drink to oblivion. Those few seconds changed everything.

  We had an option to go see the fireworks. I opted to stay at home and drink. Seemed like the right thing to! By making the choice to stay and drink, I set in motion a series of horrible events that I cannot change. That moment haunts me. Often I would choose to drink rather than live life. It cost me dearly. It cost my family dearly.

  So, when you have a choice, go see the fireworks! Trust me, you ain't missing a thing!