Joe's Garage

  Frank Zappa.

  Joe's garage.

  If you are unaware of this album.....consider it a blessing. Released in 1979, I didn't became aware of it until a few short years later. Mind you, I was born in 73.

  My mom had married a dufus named Joe. They were married from 83 to 85. So, it was during this stint that I was exposed to the music. I was 10 - 12 years old.

  I'm shaking a little right now. It upsets me and makes me sad that I listened to that album then. Not only did I listen to it, I really dug it. I listened dozens of times. I listened enough to memorize the album!

  The album is on YouTube. I listened to it again last night. I kept wanting to imagine that when I first heard it my young ears hadn't grasped what I was hearing. Alas, I knew what I was hearing. My young mind was filled with visions and thoughts of debauchery. I wanted to meet women who were like the ones I heard about on the album.

  Don't listen to the album! It's dark. It's a thing that I will be haunted by forever.

  Almost simultaneously we found some smutty magazines. My friends and I would laugh and giggle at the images. But Joe's Garage I don't think I shared. It was my private escape.

  I'm not sure if I was allowed to listen to it. It wouldn't have mattered, secrecy and shame had entrenched itself in my life years before.

  I'm not sure what the point of this particular blog is. Sometimes I like to wrap them up with some sort of take away truth. Sometimes I just want to vent. This time I just want to ponder.

  Innocence was taken away early from me. At the time I really enjoyed it. It was fun and exciting. It provided an Avenue to escape on. I wore the tires of my mind out driving that Avenue.

  It was so simple to do. Those nude women pictures captured my thinking and retarded my emotions. Gradually I was becoming an emotional cripple.

  It seemed so fun at the time!

  When I remembered Joe's Garage last night I could only think of how silly the album was. I could remember laughing out loud and knowing that I had discovered something that was forbidden.

  Last night, as the songs played by, I was stunned. Each song led further down a path of sexual idolatry. I knew each song by heart.......still!!!

  I'm not freaking out or anything right now. I found out years ago that I was an emotially broken man whose drugs of choice included objectifying women. I knew that I was exposed to sexual stuff at a super early stage. So, this latest memory only serves to reinforce those facts.

  I do grieve a little for the younger me. He wasn't given a chance to be young and innocent. Sure, he thought it was fun at the time, but it left him utterly bereft of the ability to function. He became an anxious guy who found relief in wholly innapropriate means.

  He grew up to horribly damage those he loved due to his dysfunctional thinking.

  So, screw you Frank Zappa! People thought you were a genius, so did I, but you were really a freak peddling smutty crap that would warp young men's minds. Then again, you provided an escape. Many painful days were escaped by listening to your music. Many more would come because of what I had heard.

    I'm gonna go be a little boy now. Maybe buy a lollipop. That sounds good. Any ideas on where they sell brain brushes? Mine is a little dirty.

Dad's dying 2 - filling in the blanks

  In an amazing turn of events, dad's kidneys have sprung back to life and his cancer is nowhere to be found! His liver is still badly damaged with cirrhosis caused by the Hep C. But, with the new medicines available, the doctors believe they can knock out the Hep C and my dad will be able to recover. His liver will never be fully functional but he will most likely be able to live comfortably. They will check him for cancer again in three months, but for now no traces could be found.

  I'm relieved.

  Last night I went and visited him. He is emaciated and slightly lethargic. But there is hope returning to his eyes. He had been quite distressed for the last few days. He had lost his dignity of life. He was ready to check out.

  It has been an emotional Rollercoaster for me. He and I have begun a process of relating to each other. This last year has had mountain tops of emotional connections as well as disturbing valleys of conflict. I disagree with him on many things, yet I want him to be my dad. I want a father.

  In my last blog I wrote about not having time to do those things I so desired to do with dad. Maybe if I had just sucked it up, looked past the legalistic arguments of my dad, we could have enjoyed each other more. Now that it seems I have more time, now I have choices.

  There are still some boundaries that I need to have in place. There are some topics too toxic to my sobriety to discuss with him. Carefully navigating those things can begin to set the stage for him and I to relate in peace.

  It's a dicey situation.

  It may be anecdotal, but my addictions thrived at times when I was in close proximity to him. If you were to graph out my life you would find that, at the very least, there are correlations between my addictions and my relationship with him. It may even be causation. (But I have to own my own BS, causation doesn't quite work)

  So the battle has shifted. The battle is now about getting as close to him as I can without being damaged in the process. Not an easy task!

  He is such an opinionated, thick headed, masogenistic, hard man. I know I am too, but he is dad, he should be better at being nice than I am!

  I put my arms around him last night and told him how glad I was that he has a chance at living. I told him how sad and broken I was that he might have been dying. I told him that these last few years have been good getting to know him, and that I wanted more. I told him that I loved him deeply.

  He choked up and thanked me. He told me that he loved me.

  I pulled his head over onto my chest and ran my finders thru his hair. I told him I loved him again.

  I hope we have many more moments like that. I hope we can relate. I know we will draw swords and skirmish sometimes, but I hope I can remember how painful it was to realize I might lose him. If I remember, I might be able to be graceful in our heated discussions.

  I'm very grateful to have a second chance.

 

Dad's approaching death

  Just finished a conversation with my stepmother concerning my dad's health. It's not looking good. His liver and kidneys are failing. He doesn't want dialysis. When he is alone he asks God to remove him from this broken body. The end approaches quickly.

  I have no idea how to behave thru this. My emotions are all over the map. I spent the last few days processing forgiveness towards dad. I wish we had been close. I wish I had found forgiveness sooner. Maybe I could have.............. I hope I don't spend a long time trying to fill in that blank.

  The advice on how to behave around him seems good. I should share my sadness, express how my life will change, and don't shy away from difficult discussions about dying.

  Ok, I actually do know how to behave. I know how to be present. I get authenticity. Then why is this so damn hard! Those tools should make things easier! They dont!!!!!

  Recovery tools don't make situations easier, they make them healthy.

  I'm digging in for the approaching waves of regret and loss. I know I will beat my head in emotionally with thoughts of how I could have been a better son sooner. Why did I waste so much time?

  So here we go dear readers. Joshua is about to enter the battleground of yet another painful war. Seems like I just got over being in triage for the last battle. I'm weary. I'm strong. I'm wounded. I'm ready to rumble.

  I'm gonna go be with dad tomorrow afternoon. I can only say that a few more times. Ouch.