Just finished a conversation with my stepmother concerning my dad's health. It's not looking good. His liver and kidneys are failing. He doesn't want dialysis. When he is alone he asks God to remove him from this broken body. The end approaches quickly.
I have no idea how to behave thru this. My emotions are all over the map. I spent the last few days processing forgiveness towards dad. I wish we had been close. I wish I had found forgiveness sooner. Maybe I could have.............. I hope I don't spend a long time trying to fill in that blank.
The advice on how to behave around him seems good. I should share my sadness, express how my life will change, and don't shy away from difficult discussions about dying.
Ok, I actually do know how to behave. I know how to be present. I get authenticity. Then why is this so damn hard! Those tools should make things easier! They dont!!!!!
Recovery tools don't make situations easier, they make them healthy.
I'm digging in for the approaching waves of regret and loss. I know I will beat my head in emotionally with thoughts of how I could have been a better son sooner. Why did I waste so much time?
So here we go dear readers. Joshua is about to enter the battleground of yet another painful war. Seems like I just got over being in triage for the last battle. I'm weary. I'm strong. I'm wounded. I'm ready to rumble.
I'm gonna go be with dad tomorrow afternoon. I can only say that a few more times. Ouch.
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