In an amazing turn of events, dad's kidneys have sprung back to life and his cancer is nowhere to be found! His liver is still badly damaged with cirrhosis caused by the Hep C. But, with the new medicines available, the doctors believe they can knock out the Hep C and my dad will be able to recover. His liver will never be fully functional but he will most likely be able to live comfortably. They will check him for cancer again in three months, but for now no traces could be found.
I'm relieved.
Last night I went and visited him. He is emaciated and slightly lethargic. But there is hope returning to his eyes. He had been quite distressed for the last few days. He had lost his dignity of life. He was ready to check out.
It has been an emotional Rollercoaster for me. He and I have begun a process of relating to each other. This last year has had mountain tops of emotional connections as well as disturbing valleys of conflict. I disagree with him on many things, yet I want him to be my dad. I want a father.
In my last blog I wrote about not having time to do those things I so desired to do with dad. Maybe if I had just sucked it up, looked past the legalistic arguments of my dad, we could have enjoyed each other more. Now that it seems I have more time, now I have choices.
There are still some boundaries that I need to have in place. There are some topics too toxic to my sobriety to discuss with him. Carefully navigating those things can begin to set the stage for him and I to relate in peace.
It's a dicey situation.
It may be anecdotal, but my addictions thrived at times when I was in close proximity to him. If you were to graph out my life you would find that, at the very least, there are correlations between my addictions and my relationship with him. It may even be causation. (But I have to own my own BS, causation doesn't quite work)
So the battle has shifted. The battle is now about getting as close to him as I can without being damaged in the process. Not an easy task!
He is such an opinionated, thick headed, masogenistic, hard man. I know I am too, but he is dad, he should be better at being nice than I am!
I put my arms around him last night and told him how glad I was that he has a chance at living. I told him how sad and broken I was that he might have been dying. I told him that these last few years have been good getting to know him, and that I wanted more. I told him that I loved him deeply.
He choked up and thanked me. He told me that he loved me.
I pulled his head over onto my chest and ran my finders thru his hair. I told him I loved him again.
I hope we have many more moments like that. I hope we can relate. I know we will draw swords and skirmish sometimes, but I hope I can remember how painful it was to realize I might lose him. If I remember, I might be able to be graceful in our heated discussions.
I'm very grateful to have a second chance.
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