My right to my feelings

  Ok folks....let's get some things straight....or at least firmly crooked. Feelings are messy. Judging a situation based solely upon ones feelings is dangerous. That's why this blog is so volatile. I share about my struggles and feelings, and unfortunately they sometimes run counter to facts.

  No, this isn't my attempt to print a retraction, or somehow clarify, or edit a previous post (I can do that without writing this). This post is a refresher in the scope of what this blog is.

  Joshua and The Battle of....

   The title says it all really. I battle stuff and people. It's my take on it. Not theirs. Simple.

   If it's about me, who then is this Joshua?

  I'm a recovery man. I'm coming up on five years sober. It took a mountain of pain to change me. I only hope it was enough so I never go back. The darkness was a brutal master.

  I'm a selfish jerk. Maybe if others did things correctly, in other words MY way, then I wouldn't be so selfish.

  I'm sarcastic. See last paragraph.

  I enjoy life. Addictions had shut me completely down. I sacrificed so much at the altar of addiction. So today I live, I try and go do adventures. I enjoy many hobbies and the people that do them.

  I'm an intelligent smartass. If you are too stupid to know why, I won't bother explaining. It wouldn't help anyways.

  (I really want to edit myself on that last one. I'm gonna take some heat on that I'm sure!)

  I love people. Yes, this includes all the outcasts and forgotten ones. Chances are if you have royally screwed up I will like you. If you still think that your poop don't stink then I won't have much time for you. Broken people are beautiful. They are the rare gems. It's people who have messed things up and feel unlovable that I love the most. There is an intense connection that happens when two men share their failures.

  I'm narcissistic. This upsets many because they think that they are the important ones. Obviously they can't be, they aren't me! If they were me, they would get it. (Too much?)

  Ok, I'm done trying to think of who I am. I explain a little bit more about myself every blog I write. So scroll back thru the archives and enjoy. You will find a man who is despicable, uncaring, self-centered, and unlikeable. You will also find a man who is broken and knows it. It is difficult for me to convey feelings thru writing. So be careful while reading, sometimes I really laugh alot while typing.

  I'll just keep sharing my feelings. I know they aren't reality. How stupid do you think I am? They are FEELINGS, not facts!

  For example.....You may feel angry that I'm a jerk, but your anger is a feeling, therefore I'm not a jerk.

  See what I did there? Clever eh?

  Relax folks. I talk about deep stuff sometimes, I'm not afraid of many topics, but at the end of it all I'm just a guy sharing his thoughts.

  We good? You ok?

  Don't worry, if I haven't offended you yet, I'm working on it. It takes a while to offend everyone. But if my feelings offend you....then grow up baby!

  I'm laughing so much at writing this post. This is fun stuff!! 

  Be well out there folks. Try and find someone who needs some compassion and give it to them, you will need it someday also.

Hells Canyon part 2

  The trip is this Saturday! All the nervousness, anxiety, and planning will culminate in will hopefully be an epic adventure!

  The idea originally was to ride my dad's old bike on the trip. That's not really an option now, the old bike needs a repair. Besides that, the old bike isn't really designed to take a big guy like me (and his lady friend "Blue Eyes") on such a long journey. So, I went out and got another motorcycle.

  The trip won't quite have the same feel being on the new bike, however, it will still be epic.

  The temperatures are supposed to be hot this weekend. Long rides on hot bikes will have its own struggles. Perhaps I am slightly self-abusive but I think the heat may add to the weekend. I will be fighting thru memories of my dad, why shouldn't I be uncomfortable as well? My sweat will help conceal my tears.

  It's morbid to look forward to being uncomfortable. Am I deranged? Yep. My dad rode in all sorts of weather, I will try and fill his shoes.

  I guess refueling is very pleasant for a motorcycle driver. Something about cool fuel and the location of the tank makes it enjoyable. This makes me giggle a little. There are videos all over YouTube of guys enjoying the feeling. Sorry for mentioning it to you sensitive readers :-)

  There will be at least 8 bikes on the journey. I've never ridden with a group that large. I hope there are no butt heads in the group. All of us are riding cruisers, so I expect we won't be traumatizing any cars out there. Better not be, I like being polite on the road.

  I booked a room in an old lodge down there for Saturday night. It's rustic, quaint, and cute. Hope the air conditioner can handle my demands!

  I expect to take many photos and blog much during the experience. I'm really excited!

Blue Eyes

Dad's bike (Part 1)

  I've been getting used to dad's bike. I took it out a couple of weeks ago on a 40 min drive. That was fun and uneventful.

  My second ride out I met up with my friend Alan at his house. He had just inherited a 1986 Harley when his friend passed away a few months back.

  Alan and I are having similar experiences on the bikes. We both have the joy of riding them and the memories of who rode them. I'm grateful to have Alan to go thru this with.

  Alan and I rode up Mt Spokane, had lunch, and then over to Greenbluff.

  We stopped at the lodge up on the Mountain for lunch. We were the only patrons and the owner was super nice. It's gonna become a regular destination I'm sure. The restaurant is rustic and comfortable. It's a great spot to relax.

  I had led us up the mountain and then Alan led us to Greenbluff. On the way there Alan opened up the throttle a couple times. Would the old Kawasaki keep up? I smiled as I flew by him. Yep, the Kawasaki has much power! Grunt grunt scratch scratch!

  Manly men doing manly things. Big throttle small brains. It's fun!

  Greenbluff was awesome. I had a huckleberry icecream and relaxed in the shade. I could get used to these rides!

  The day of "The ride" is coming up soon. 650 miles in two days. Not a whole lot, but enough to stretch me. I will need to be comfortable with the bike cause I won't be very comfortable with my feelings.

  I'm getting excited about the ride. The old KZ900 LTD is a fun bike. My dad chose well. It's fast and also good to look at going slow. It's a win win!

Dad's bike (Part two)

  The trip to Hell's Canyon is coming up quickly. I've been out on a few rides getting familiar with the bike, they have been fun.

  My girlfriend, we will call her "Blue Eyes", went with me for a ride up Mt Spokane last weekend. It was an adventure! Isn't that what riding is all about!

  The ride started at my Step mom's house. I checked the bikes fluids and concluded that a bit more gas might be nice. I added about a gallon from a gas can, we put our gear on, and we headed out.

  I'm not used to having a passenger on a bike, so the first couple miles were awkward but ok. However, the bike wasn't performing well. It lacked acceleration and it sputtered when given more than half throttle. Thinking that perhaps the fuel I added was bad, we proceeded on to Alan's house to meet up with him. He might have some fresh fuel there and that could dilute the bad. Or so I hoped.

  Alan's house wasn't more than 15 minutes away. The bike occasionally ran really bad, but sometimes seemed to run fine. Motorcycle maintenance. I like the book, despise the practice!

  Somewhere around 10 minutes into the trip to Alan's the rear brake started sticking. I pulled over, looked at it, and concluded that it was fine. Perhaps the foot lever got caught on a burr or something. I figured if it acted up again I would flick the pedal with my foot to dislodge it.

  We get to Alan's without anymore problems. The bike seemed to sputter some but surely the fresh fuel will help.

  Alan had the fuel. We added it and took off for the mountain. It's only a 30 min drive. The bike still is sputtering. I'm beginning to be concerned. Are the carburetors getting plugged up? How will I know?

  About 20 minutes into the ride the rear brake grabs hard. I only have time to pull over. We pull into the drive of someone's house.

  The rear disc is glowing and the brake fluid is spurting out and igniting on the disc. Blue Eyes looks concerned. The fire worries her.  Somehow sitting on top of something that just caught fire doesn't appeal to her. Women...go figure. I blew on the flame and it went out immediately.

  While we let the brakes cool down I went for some water. I had stashed a bottle under the seat earlier, so I opened up the seat. There, just as I grabbed the bottle, I saw the problem. The water bottle was able to move around and get sucked into the air cleaner opening. My cleaver idea on where to put my water was the reason why the bike was running funny!

  I started the bike up just to see. Oh man, it was alive again! The power, the speed....oh baby!

  I figured out how to remove the brake pads from the rear caliper. Without them the brake would no longer seize up, and the front brake would still provide plenty of stopping power.

  Let's ride!

  Blue Eyes expressed her concern about entering the highway from where we were at. We were on a blind corner and it was a bit scary. But she didn't know the bikes secret weapon, more power!

  I gave it the beans. The old bike roared out onto the highway with the vim and vigor of a teenager. I was smiling from ear to ear. My back was getting sore from Blue Eyes hitting it, but it was still fun!

  We got to the top and rested in the shade. I chirped on about how much of an adventure we were having, Blue Eyes just smiled. I think she likes it when I get excitable, she just tries to be coy about it.

  We came off the mountain and I had Alan lead the way.

  Alan's Harley makes alot of noise when he gets on it and I can feel Blue Eyes arms tense up when she knows I'm gonna go for it. It was fun having her get nervous. It's a man thing. I can't help it. Grunt grunt....scratch scratch.

  We made it back to Alan's without any further complications. I mean, other than Blue Eyes occasionally slapping me  :o)

  I remembered that the suspension on the bike was adjustable so I turned it up to the top setting. That seemed to take care of the bottoming out we had experienced a couple of times. My bum was sore, so was Blue Eyes.

  When we arrived back to my Step Mom's place we told her about the ride. She admonished me for accelerating fast, something about how my dad was the same way and she scolded him til he accelerated more sanely. I'm not sure what she was saying. Accelerate slower? As if!!

  Riding that bike is pure joy. Even the mishaps and sore butt are a part of the journey. It is a "Be in the present" experience. It's therapy for a busy brain.

  I want Blue Eyes to ride with me more. I suppose that means taking her feelings into account and being easier on the throttle. This maturity stuff is annoying but good.