Today, July 6th, is my sobriety anniversary. It has been five years since alcohol has passed these lips. Five years of repairing decades worth of destruction. There is still much work to be done.
I am told that I am in the big leagues now. Five years is a benchmark, a milestone of recovery. Never in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined life without alcohol for even a day, but five years!!!! Woot!!!!
Five years and one day ago I hit rock bottom. My alcoholism took its toll on everyone whom I knew. Some paid more, but it cost everyone for me to be a drunk.
Sometimes when drunks and druggies get together they play an informal game of "I can out bottom you". Some view this activity as silly and ridiculous, while others get quite upset at making light of tragic times. I don't bother playing the game. Most simply can't out bottom me. I'm a winner! A winner at failure!
Those early days in recovery were so scary. I had absolutely no idea if I could stay away from the drink. For so long my world revolved around getting the next drink. How could I convince my (ex)wife to go get another bottle without her worrying about how much I drank? Maybe I should buy a few bottles, but that never worked either. So when recovery came barging into my life I wasn't sure I could pull it off. Drinking was my life. By requiring me to quit, you were telling me that I could no longer be comfortable and alive.
I had tried all the tricks in the book to curb my drinking. The tricks never worked, for an alcoholic they never could. I was certain there was an elusive combo or formula that I could find where alcohol would work again. My favorite was waiting to drink til noon. Alcoholics drank in the morning. This was effective, until I discovered how awesome alcohol in the morning was.
I also suffer from terminal uniqueness. Many do. If I refuse to share about life with another person, I start to become unique again. It's a brutal cycle. As long as I'm convinced that nobody else has the same issues or problems, I will suffer alone.
That's the biggest thing now, I'M NOT ALONE!! I was alone in a church full of people, I was alone in my home, and I was alone at work. Every stinking place I went I was alone in my head. Alcohol solved that problem. It slowed down my thinking until I could manage.
Thank you to my many friends in recovery and to my family who has chosen to love me. These last five years have meant the world to me. I can't begin to tell you what you mean to me.
What a ride folks! This living open and honest is wild. The secrets almost killed me, the truth makes some people want to kill me, but in the end it doesn't matter. None of this was about me to begin with.
I'm just a broken man traveling and enjoying the scenery. I didn't make the man nor the scenery. God did.
So, I also want to thank my Creator.
God,
You knew that I would fail life in the most spectacular ways, yet you still loved me. Never once did I suprise you! You have been so gentle and patient with me. Even today as I write this you show me compassion and forgiveness. My response to being cared for by you was to run out and be hypocritical and judgemental, yet you still loved me.
All I can offer you are these filthy rags, but you told me that's all I needed to bring. Thank you.
While I was out injuring my fellow man, you had already paid the price to redeem me. I was a fool and I worked hard at proving it.
Thank you Father for sending your Son. I'm so grateful that my relationship with you doesn't depend upon my performance. As much as I want to serve you well, I find within myself no ability to carry it out.
You tell me that I can rest in the finished work of the cross, yet I still think there is something I can help with. Then, when I do think I've helped, I become boastful and proud of the work I've done.
I'm an arrogant and unforgiving man. But Lord, those people are stupid and haven't forgiven me!
I love you Lord, Josh
Thank you reader for reading these musings. I've been toying with the idea of making an appointment to write more faithfully. Perhaps I will. I'm also toying with the idea of submitting them to be published. Perhaps someday that may happen. Some editing will need to be done!
Five years.
Five years!!!!!!!!
I've witnessed the impossible.
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