Painful joy

  Recovery has been painful and joyful, sometimes at the same moments. One such moment is the holidays.

  Yesterday, while doing my shopping, I noticed wonderful christmas music playing. I sang along, chirping and dancing (well, almost). It was great.

  After singing along for a bit my mind began to focus on christmas morning. My wife and I would have just pulled an all nighter to get the presents wrapped. We would stuff some gifts and treats into the stockings. The daughters would wake up and have free reign over the stockings, but would have to wait for Mom and Dad to get up before opening the gifts. They were always so full of joy.

  Due to circumstances that I created, last year I missed celebrating the holidays with my family. There were still times of joy and happiness, yet. I hate "yets".

  So here I am in this Walmart singing along and remembering that this Christmas could be as last years was. My heart sank.

  I quickly realized I had to get out of the store. I grabbed what I knew I needed and bolted for the door. A miracle happened on the way out, there was a cashier with nobody in line, he just waved me in!

  I almost made it to my truck before the tears came. Since nobody was around to embarass me, I leaned against the truck and poured out my soul to my creator.

  So I am left with this strange mixture of emotions in my life. On the one hand, I am set free from my addictions and I celebrate. On the other, my addictions caused trouble that isn't over yet and I am not sure when it will be.

  For today I just move on. I never know when I will be side-swiped with these emotions. I know this, despite how difficult these feelings are to experience, I am so grateful that I can feel them. 

  It doesn't concern me that I could have an emotional moment in a parking lot. What concerns me is, how long until I can share those moments with my family?

  Have patience. God has been pulling an all-nighter. He is making Joshua grow up. I will emerge from this a spiritual warrior. If this process isn't perfected in Christ, I am doomed for failure.

  Take me Lord. Help me to never turn back from your will. I repent of my sin and despise those things I have done. Strengthen me in your word so that I might not fail. Lead on, Lord, lead on.