Relaxation

  How do I relax? Can I relax without being lazy? Does God approve of relaxation? How did Jesus relax? Can I relax around uptight people?

  The first question (how do I relax?) has changed plenty over the years. Catching frogs, tormenting my sister, repainting matchbox cars, experimenting with fire, were all fun things I did as a kid, but I don't think of them as relaxation. Relaxation means taking time from being busy accomplishing things to actively pursuing enjoyment. This definition doesn't quite work entirely, but it provides the foundation for what I now consider relaxation. Today I relax in many ways, the most enjoyable is dispensing grace. Loving on people is by far the most enjoyable thing in my life.

  That brings up the point of laziness. Often times in my life relaxation and laziness were synonymous. Discovering active relaxation has been eye opening to me. The effort involved with relaxation no longer seems a burden, rather it makes the relaxation much more enjoyable. Laziness robbed from me years of true friendship. Laziness cost me creativity. Laziness contributed to the failure of my marriage.

  God approves of relaxation. Ultimately this is the truth of the Gospel, relax dude, you can't do it but God will. Relax in the completeness that Christ bought for you. A person who is perfect has nothing to fret about, and Christ has made you perfect! Relax! Its all good.

  How did Jesus relax? I see a couple ways. He hung out and laughed with the worst of sinners. He rejoiced when someone came to him broken. He loved the unlovable. In one verse we see John leaning up against his chest, try seeing a modern Christian tough guy do that! John relaxed around the relaxed Christ.

  My last question of relaxing around uptight people is the hardest. They take themselves way too seriously. Always seeking approval and never discovering that God approved them a long time ago.

  I try not to worry about it anymore. Buddhism teaches that we should let go of things to be free, Christianity teaches that even if we hold on to things God still finds us pleasing. Who cares about qualifying if the only qualification is to be unqualified?

  Enjoy yourself! The toughest battle I often face is just enjoying life. I don't have to fix anything to please my Creator. Relax in the completeness of Christ.

  I just laid out a beautiful teaching about the completeness in Christ and how that gives us freedom to relax. That means I have it all figured out! Sure, yeah right. I am a compulsive worrier and a habitual over thinker. I can't relax when there is so much that needs fixing. Oh sure, sometimes I taste freedom and I lean on Christ's chest, but other times I am up frantically trying to prepare a meal while my lazy brothers are relaxing with Christ.

  Neurotic doesn't begin to describe how messed up I am. When I finish a good round of relaxing I feel bad. Not all the time, but more than you do. I bet you don't think so. I bet you think you worry more than anybody. Neurotic.

  I can't even relax about this blog about relaxing! I gotta stop this insanity. I need some coffee and a cigarette. I will try and smoke it as lazily as possible. I'm done :)

The Bible and a bottle

  I am learning to walk, not in the literal stumbling about as a toddler sense, but in the "I am a man and here is what I think and feel sense". This is not natural to me.

  I grew up in a house where differing opinions or emotions was discouraged. My mother and father had grown up in abusive homes and hadn't yet processed their own gunk before starting a family. So I was left an emotional cripple. Just like them, I pretended to have it all together. I was quite an actor.

  My emotional retardation carried over into the family my wife and I had created. Opportunities for my wife or children to express themselves just didn't happen. I didn't know what to do with the information. I discouraged the openness that I now seek.

  Drowning my feelings worked. Becoming a know-it-all zealot Christian also worked. Hiding behind a Bible and a bottle was simply a way of life. I became a super smarty-pants about religion and was quite adept at drinking.

  As the years rolled on my addiction to alcohol took very dark turns. Bolstered by the booze, I tore my family apart. My church rejected me. Many in the church rejected my wife for being with me. I became a spiritual leper for whom some believed there was no healing.

  I got sober at the beginning of July 2010. My sobriety came on the heels of a terrible bender. I had purchased some extra expensive scotch in hopes that I could savor, rather than guzzle, the whiskey. Instead I just spent more on getting stupid.

  I threw up a white flag to God soon after. Surrender wasn't conditional. I no longer had any bargaining tools. For the first time in my life I saw the consequences of sin.

  A month before I hit the wall, I was worried my wife would demand that I quit. As that was impossible for me to do, I was prepared to leave her, knowing that I could just drink even more to bury the pain.

  When my wife told me exactly how I had hurt my family I knew instantly that drinking was no longer an option. Drinking and hurting only myself seemed all well and good, but the pain I brought her and my daughters.......damn.

  Sobriety is scary. When I feel feelings I don't like, the only way of escape is by reaching out to my friends. I don't like reaching out! It is sometimes difficult to muster up the gumption to share the gunk. I often think that relief can never be had. But my friends are faithful. They hear me out and point me to the cross.

  As far as the Bible is concerned, I understand what redemption means today. Church was a place where good people taught other people how to be good. Today I understand that the church is filled with screwed up people being loved by a caring God. The people who know they are screwed up serve God the best.

  I like to tell my friends that God loves sinners. And if he loves sinners then he loves me more than them. I out-sin them all!

  The trick I found is to not celebrate my brokenness, rather I celebrate a God who sacrificed himself to pay for my brokenness. I celebrate those friends whom God has sent into my life. 

  My days of booze therapy are over. If I go back I will die. My body can't keep up with how much my mind would need. 

  So I instead spend my time around guys who are genuine. Am I as screwed up today as I was when I got sober? Oh yes! But in a much more healthy way. Until I get put to bed with a shovel, I will always be screwed up. My God likes me screwed up. Its when I think I am doing really good, that's when I stumble.

  God gave me a big ol' hug back in July of 2010. It felt great to truly be home. He has been very merciful and gracious to me. The love and comfort he gives me didn't come cheap. He took every sin of mine, even those really gross ones, and placed them on Jesus. His son was ridiculed, abused, and killed because of what I did. And I love him for it!

 

Elephant seals

  Guess I am worried about my size, specifically my weight. I am a tall dude (6'4") but I am also horizontally gifted. OK, fat! Tubby tubalotamous.
 
  For years my weight has been slowly climbing. Good food, heavy drinking, good food, getting sober, good food, lack of exercise, good food, and driving a truck have all contributed to my present portly state. Did I mention good food?

  Its a classic thing we see all across america. A non-active lifestyle ties together with good food. Its a recipe for largess.

   By now you granola crunchers are thinking "if you ate 'good food' you wouldn't be so big". Yeah, and if I ate only tree bark I would lose it all pretty quick. Say no to the tree bark diet.

  How do you identify a dogwood tree? By its bark.

  Nope, no granola crunching, bunny food diet will work for this dude. I just can't hack it. So today I embark on fatkins again. Steaks, butter, bacon, sausage, eggs.......oh yeah baby!

  Why the title of elephant seals?

  Those dudes have it so good. The most fat bull among them gets the babes. The cows are really cute and totally go for the big guys. Not fair! With elephant seals it appears that big and ugly looks good on a guy. When you look at them you always wonder just how the girl is so pretty and the guy is so horrendous yet they match up! I bet he has a great personality....yeah that's it!

  Its time for me to lose the weight. I let myself get away with eating wrong while I got sober, but three years is probably too much. My support group will help me be accountable. It is either lose the weight or work on my elephant seal calls. I already got the belly waddle down!

Now I lay me down to sleep

  I have begun to notice another disturbing pattern in my life. If I read or think about painful things before I go to bed, I really struggle getting to sleep.

  Now I started doing the emotional work in the mornings. Thinking about life's issues and praying for them at night messes me up, but the mornings seem to work out much better.

  I heard about those bible verses that say to seek God in the morning. I never knew why that would ever matter. Guess I figured out another reason why :)

Softness

  Been reading some of my old postings. I am not a very soft man. Some were preachy and others were harsh. I feel like I have gained a softness that I didn't have before. I still have a long ways to go.

The little sail boat

  When I was a young dude, perhaps 10ish, we made these little sail boats. By little, I mean like just over a foot long. They were the coolest thing! I think we made them to compete in a sailing race. Maybe we were all going to go to the lake and let them go and see whose was fastest.

  I don't remember racing them. Actually I don't remember building them either. I wonder if the boat I played with was my sisters? Damn. I hope not...eww

  Well anyways, we lived on a small lake and I would take it out there to play with it. There was an overflow part to the lake that wasn't nearly as big as the lake and that's where my adventures with the boat took place.

  I would tie a string to the boat to be able to get it back or steer it. Sure the lake was small and I could swim, but the string made me feel safe. I didn't want to lose the boat. Somehow I figured on keeping it and cherishing it forever.

  So, I would launch the boat and try to steer it just right with the string. My friends and I would take turns with it and complain that the others weren't doing it right. Nobody ever did it right, but when you watched someone else play with it you just knew you could do it better!

  I spent hours with that boat. I would get almost transfixed at the way the wind pushed her over and made her scoot thru the water.

  We eventually got good enough to tie two strings to it and tack into the wind. This was a dangerous maneuver and capsizing was always an option. The waves would pummel the little boat as the howling winds would toss her about. Proportionally, the little boat went thru hurricanes with me at the helm...er string.

  I always figured on saving that little boat. Some artifact of my youth. Some other relics have survived but sadly the boat didn't. 

  In thinking back this story I am struck wondering why I never let the boat just sail on the lake. Why confine it to the small overflow? If I was worried about it being stuck on the island that wasn't a big concern. Surely we could have fashioned up something to go to the island. How much fun would that have been!

  I wish I had a memory of letting the boat go. The lake wasn't all that big but I would have enjoyed watching it sail freely. My fear of loss prevented me from capturing a truly momentous occasion.

  I'm not sure if the other kids held their boats in such high regards as I did mine. But I am also not sure if I enjoyed mine as much as I could have. I wonder if they just let theirs go?

  Go little boat go!

Broken hearted

Friends

  I am so grateful for the friends in my life. They have been a great source of strength to this weary soul. As I face trauma and heartbreak they provide a sounding board for me to express my hurt.

  You know, I'm not that good at sharing how I am doing with my friends. Heck, I'm not that good at hearing how you are doing. When we are doing well its easy. But when hard times come the difficulty begins. Sometimes I pretend I am doing well just so my friends will want to talk to me.

  For instance, I will be sharing a bunch about my pain as i go thru this divorce. If I was listening to me I wouldn't exactly know what to say. I truly feel others pain, but what do you say? I like hearing others share their pain. I want to comfort them. But ameliorating pain isn't everything. Sometimes we can only stand next to them and offer hugs and love.

  I don't want my friends to attack my soon to be ex. She is the victim of marrying a broken man. Sure she could join me in therapy and work things out, but she doesn't want to. Does that make her an enemy? When my feelings are running high, the answer is yes! She is an enemy and I hate what she is doing. Then my leveler head comes back and I want to offer her compassion. Compassion that I didn't give her while married. A compassion that I can only give by the grace of Jesus. But sometimes I don't wanna.

  I ask my friends to be patient with me. I will be mean, I will be obnoxious, I will be a pain, I will be a butthole. But I want to be so much more. More nice....not more jerky!

Just get it out! :)

  Just re-read my last post. I am a morbid dude! I just want to make it abundantly clear, I am going to attempt to write and dialog of my thoughts and emotions as my divorce unfolds. I do no want to hold back, but I also don't want to improperly attack my wife. Hmmm, ex-wife.
 
  While I am hurt and feel rejected, I also understand her side. Years of living with an addict took its toll. I will never get into the specifics in a public forum, but satisfy yourself by knowing that I am a huge jerk who treated his wife very poorly.

  Knowing how much of a jerk face I was doesn't limit my pain of being rejected. God has moved greatly in my my life and I am a restored son of the Sovereign Lord. My life doesn't look like it did back then. So I get caught up in thinking that the man I am today is the man my wife is rejecting. Its not! She is rejecting a low down slimeball that treated her badly! I am not that dude any more.

  If you ever meet that creep, kick his ass for me. He hurt far too many people.

 

A new start

  Looks like for the next couple of months I will be struggling my way thru divorce. My life for the last couple of years has had this looming over it. I have held a torch for my wife and hoped that she could somehow forgive me and we could reconcile. That isn't going to happen.

  I find myself wanting to listen to sad songs and read sad stories. I want to yell and fight. I feel invisible and want to be heard. I can no longer numb out with addiction so I swing the other way and want to feel miserable.

  My thoughts are disjointed and I break down easily. I try and put on a tough face but the facade only lasts so long.

  I worry that my friends will grow weary of hearing me discuss the divorce. I'm not sure they can handle me process my emotions and thoughts as I go thru the next couple of months.

  I have watched a couple people I love go thru divorces. It was brutal and painful to watch. Both of them seem to be doing quite well today.

  I don't really think that its possible for me to get past this. I feel so wounded. My best friend has rejected me.