The old brown truck

  Returning the old brown truck to my wife. I have been using it, and fixing it up for the past few months.

  Her grandfather had bought the truck many years ago. After he passed we ended up with the truck. We were going to make payments on it. I failed to make consistent payments. Yet another amends I need to make.

  My wife and I have many memories in the truck. We had a shell on it and went to the drive-in every Tuesday. It transported us to many a camp site. The bench seat allowed my wife to sit next to me while we drove. It has towed all our stuff from California to Spokane. It spent a couple years just hauling garbage for my construction company.

  Its been a great old truck.

  Returning it to my wife is very rough on me. With a divorce somewhere in our future, returning the truck feels like I am having to release all those memories. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. The sight, smell, and feel of the truck does something to me. I don't want to give it back. I am scared of the closure it seems to be bringing.

  I have spent the last week and a half in Spokane having a vacation. I sort of knew that the truck issue was looming at the end of it. I shared my feeling with my friends and they comforted me...at least they tried.

  I don't know when I will see the old truck again. Perhaps I will need to borrow it for something, or maybe sometime in the future I will be visiting and and can see it then.

  Goodbye for now old truck. Stay reliable for them. I will miss you old friend.

Birthday cards

  My fortieth birthday has come and gone. I don't especially feel different, but I have obseverved a few things about myself I didn't know. Here is one such observation.

  I didn't know how valuable decorating with cards was to making the occasion. Today, when I was doing some clean up, I came across some birthday cards that were given to me. It struck me that I could place them somewhere as a decoration and they could remind me of how much I am loved. I like that!

  At this point in my life I drive truck full time. I don't really have a place I call home and I certainly don't have a place that can be decorated. By realizing that I could put these cards out at my moms house while I visit for a weeks vacation, I stumbled upon a sentimental side I had never know by putting the cards out.

  My understanding of birthday and holiday cards is better now. Some very nice things were written in those cards and I got choked up reading them. (Thank you so much for giving me the cards)

  This Christmas I will decorate my truck. Maybe a string of lights, a small Christmas tree, perhaps a snowflake or two, and some cards :)  Some may call it meditation, I am not sure what I would call it, but I will spend time thinking about the people behind the cards and how much I value them. I will place the cards in a place in my truck where I can be reminded often.

  As a child I tore into cards just hoping for some money. I cast away the card with nary a thought about the person behind the gift. Cherishing the sentiments of those I love is very important to me now.

  For such a simple thing like a card, I feel like I stepped into a new phase of growth today. They are exceptionally beautiful cards and I am now a sentimental old man!

Oh my

One more ad.....just for fun!

Smokie and The Bandit

  The long sleek Firebird whirled down the road, the sun radiating off its inky black paint. The driver slides the car to a stop just in time to pick up a runaway bride still in her wedding dress. A police chase ensues that would end up making cinematic history. Smokie and The Bandit!

  Not sure when I first saw the movie. It was made in 1977 but was being broadcast on TV for me to see in the late 80s sometime. I am guessing I would have been around 12 when I saw it.

  The film hit all the tropes a blossoming young dude needed. It had a spectacular car, a smoking hot babe, an indestructible semi-truck, a larger than life protagonist hunk, and a smarmy sheriff.

  Let's get back to that scene with the runaway bride. She came along at the perfect time for me. Pretty sure she was the first woman on film who caught my imagination. She was pretty, she had a tremendous wit, she seemed innocent, and she loved The Bandit. I was set up for sure!

  The Bandit nicknamed her The Frog. He gave her that name because she was always bouncing around and he wanted to jump her. I didn't even know what that meant the first time I saw it! Adults don't even play leap frog!

  There was also this great scene where The Bandit was smoking a cigarette and The Frog decided to try one. She sputtered and gagged prompting him to suggest that she quit. Her quote was, "Why quit now, when I am just starting to enjoy it so?" I have tried that quote on many people, haven't found any who know the reference. Smoking humor is the new gallows humor.

  That movie really formed an idea in my head of what women wanted. So I set out to apply the knowledge that I had learned. I was moderately successful. The renegade loner who was simply misunderstood. Or so I thought. Turns out when you are a misfit you only attract misfits!

  Part two of the movie starts out having The Bandit holed up in his house apparently drinking himself to death. Never really cared for that movie. I think I am going to go watch them both again. Seems to me that I might view them differently now :)

 

Weight loss

I just thought these ads were so funny!

40

  Turning 40 in a few days. Doesn't seem possible. I know, I know, its kind of cliche to say that, but it really is surprising me. I was childish for most of my life. I think I was supposed to be child-like.

  I didn't really start living until just over three years ago. Until that point I had many distractions that could keep me from being me. Alcohol, drugs, sex...yes please! Oh no wait, those were the things that I did have, and life became miserable.

  Thru a series of horrible decisions I made, life as I knew it radically changed for me on July 6th of 2010. In some ways that day was my true birthday. So, I am only 3! And I act like it!

  There is some wreckage that hasn't been fixed and it breaks my heart. I am uncomfortable with the idea that I may not be able to properly make amends to some people. I understand why I can't, but I wish I could.

  I am planning a pizza and a movie party for me and my friends. I want to celebrate, laugh, cry, and cut loose with my buds. They are the best friends a guy could have.

  I sometimes wonder just how old 40 actually is. Will the coming decades reveal a redeemed life that is surrounded by loved ones? Will I be defined by my wreckage?

  I haven't a clue!

  Past regrets and future tripping are really bad for me. I am free to live in today. Sure I make plans for the tomorrows, but I really only have today. So live it up!

Drive thru dining

  Last night I pulled into McDonalds for two cheeseburgers and a chocolate shake. The drive thru lane was packed. I had to stop a little back from the car in front of me to let traffic thru the parking lot. When the drive thru started rolling again I needed to wait for one more car to pass, then I could make my turn in.

  That's when it happened. A dude swung around me and got in front of me in the drive thru. The minivan behind him looked like they might do the same. I honked my horn in disgust. I squeezed in behind the perpetrator and blocked traffic. But I wasn't letting nobody else cut in line!

  I surveyed the guys suburban looking for evidence that would bother me even more. Utah plates, damn Mormons. Loud exhaust, stupid hillbilly. Various dents, aggressive driver.

  I noticed one of those family cartoon stickers in the rear window. You know the kind with a mom and dad smiling with all the kids next to them, maybe a dog or cat for good measure. The mom cartoon was missing and the rest were all boys (5 of them)! She probably left the bastard due to his erratic driving. He probably likes cutting people off and she is tired of being embarrassed. Those punk boys probably asked their dad to drive crazy.

  Oh man I was having fun. Everything about this guy and his car was cliche. I sat fuming. Honestly, I was getting worked up and was enjoying it.

  I thought about rolling down the window and saying some choice words. Maybe actually getting out and saying something would be better?  Oh how great to make his sons feel like dirt about daddy!

  They get to the window and all they got was ice cream. Ice cream! Damn right I scream! At least the raging guy inside me wants to. But I sit silent like a fool.

  I think about catching up with him on the freeway. Oh how sweet to cut him off. That would show him.

  After what seemed like an eternity he has gotten their ice cream and they pull away never to be seen by me again. I try calming down so I can get my food without ruining the day of the cashier. I pull up and go to pay. I have exact bills and change, I'm a helluva guy.

  The dude had purchased my food!

  Son of a! What kind of! Damn, damn, damn.

  I was really enjoying being worked up. I had a healthy rage going and I wasn't ready for it to end. I was going to eat disgust cheeseburgers and have a rage shake. Now what do I do? This jerk really hacked me off big this time. I don't like eating humble pie and I never order it!

  So that's what happened at the drive thru. The cashier told me that the guy was sorry for cutting me off. It was an honest mistake.

  There is a lesson in this for me. But I am way to cynical to write it down.

Chuck Smith

  Today is a sad day. I am mourning the loss of Chuck Smith. His ministry and life were very instrumental in my life. When he broke Christian tradition and started ministering to hippies, he ultimately broke thru to the very people who would help me in my recovery.

  Chuck understood the powerful love and grace of Jesus. He leaves behind quite a legacy. Many people have learned about Jesus thru him.

  Now let me personalize this blog.

  One of my earliest childhood memories was of Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa. The Children of The Day were performing and I was back stage. The place was so large and there was quite a crowd. I remember being overwhelmed with the size of the place. I don't think I had ever seen anything so big with so many people.

  The Children of The Day group were friends of my parents. I spent many days playing with Marsha's son and daughter. I didn't know it at the time, but my future would rely heavily upon the concept Marsha sung about in her song "Come to the water". I did come Marsha. And I drank up Jesus to the dregs. Thank you for such a beautiful song about such a wonderful God.

  Greg Laurie toured with Children of The Day for a while. I actually don't remember this happening, but Greg would go on to preach and teach to quite large crowds. Greg's messages could be found thru podcasts and on YouTube. When my world fell apart under the heavy weight of my wretched sin, Greg's messages carried me back to the cross. He taught me that I was acceptable and loved. He taught me to stand strong in the truth of the bible. Thanks Greg.

  What does all this have to do with Chuck Smith?

  As I wrote about earlier, Chuck was the one with the vision. God used him to draw people to Christ, the same people who would bring the gospel to me. Countless times I have been reminded just how fortunate my life is and how Chuck helped lay the foundation.

  I never wrote Chuck and told him these things. I am reminded today just how much I need to tell people how much I love them. I am sad at his going home. I am also sad I never wrote him. I need to remember this lesson.

  Thank you Chuck. I love you and am exceedingly blessed because of you. Prepare yourself for a big ole bear hug from me.