40

  Turning 40 in a few days. Doesn't seem possible. I know, I know, its kind of cliche to say that, but it really is surprising me. I was childish for most of my life. I think I was supposed to be child-like.

  I didn't really start living until just over three years ago. Until that point I had many distractions that could keep me from being me. Alcohol, drugs, sex...yes please! Oh no wait, those were the things that I did have, and life became miserable.

  Thru a series of horrible decisions I made, life as I knew it radically changed for me on July 6th of 2010. In some ways that day was my true birthday. So, I am only 3! And I act like it!

  There is some wreckage that hasn't been fixed and it breaks my heart. I am uncomfortable with the idea that I may not be able to properly make amends to some people. I understand why I can't, but I wish I could.

  I am planning a pizza and a movie party for me and my friends. I want to celebrate, laugh, cry, and cut loose with my buds. They are the best friends a guy could have.

  I sometimes wonder just how old 40 actually is. Will the coming decades reveal a redeemed life that is surrounded by loved ones? Will I be defined by my wreckage?

  I haven't a clue!

  Past regrets and future tripping are really bad for me. I am free to live in today. Sure I make plans for the tomorrows, but I really only have today. So live it up!