Resolutions

  I am not sure if New Years resolutions actually work. Well, at least for me they don't. OK, that's not strictly true anymore. I resolved a couple of years ago to be done with making resolutions. Sure, its a bit like betting a gambling addict that you can make him gamble, you win just by playing. I lose just by resolving not to resolve.

  I am not against resolutions, I think many are good, and often times the resolved things are quite laudable. It is wise to consider life and ponder making it better.

  But (you knew there was a but) but, I tried desperately to change myself and my behavior. I attended workshops and seminars, listened to well meaning preachers, all geared to help me change. Many a helpful suggestion was given and received with the hope that maybe this would be the thing that changed me.

  Even a certain 12 step group confused the issue. Some advised, "Be selfish and take care of yourself first". Others proclaimed that selfishness was at the root of my problem, I need to stop controlling others. Confusing!

  I think, at an intellectual level, the take care of yourself first crown nailed it. But it only works if you stop trying to control the outcomes of others.

  So, I am approaching this season of hopeful change with cynicism. I am powerless to change anything or anybody....not even myself. I continue my devout resolution to not have resolutions.

  "But aren't you concerned with just staying the same?!"

  Obviously I should be. Otherwise you wouldn't have noticed! Try not judging so much, ok?

  Just kidding! Relax a bit.

  I belong to a club of which the only requirement for joining is to not be qualified. My failures expose the greatest love imaginable. You might think that I would want to run out and fail more, go expose some more of that love. But it doesn't work that way.

  Changing from the wretch that I am, into the man I want to be, doesn't involve trying harder and doing more. My failures can't diminish the love of God. My resolutions can't gain His favor.

  So, I am free. I love those three little words, I am free. Free to fail, free to succeed, free to love, free to hate. Oops....some might not like that last one. Hater.

  My sarcasm is on high alert! Ah well, I really am digging this time of year. I even made it thru Christmas without wearing black! Life is good!

  Hope you have a great New Years! Wear a lampshade and cut loose. Begin eating some endangered species so the factory farms will begin to raise them. If you like them, they will grow them, then they won't be endangered!

  Don't take people to seriously! Sometimes its just schtick!

Happy New Years!

Acrimonious

  I feel like being rowdy. I feel like stirring things up, ruffling some feathers. Ever get that way?

  Zipping thru Portland at 2 this morning and I encountered that random car that loves to jack with me. I am cruising along at the speed limit, minding my own business, when I go past the random car going slow...in the hammer lane.

  I don't know what goes thru their mind when I pass them. All I know is, when I do get past them, they punch it and swiftly pass me, easily exceeding the speed limit by 15 mph. Then, going thru the next corners, they merge over into my lane and slow down. I get over into the hammer lane and continue at the speed limit to pass them yet again.

  I merge into the slow lane after clearing them, then yet again the punch it and pass me. Only this time when they merge in front of me, there is a cop on the shoulder (who has someone else pulled over), and this car jams on his brakes.

  I see this routinely. There was no surprise or shock on my part. I already was preparing to move over when I saw the cop lights. It all happened for me quite slowly. Turn signal was engaged, and I was moving over, well before any accident could occur. I never changed my speed.

  But I don't understand that cars logic. I mean, the last time I passed them, I blew by them like they were standing still. And I see this same scenario time and time again.

  Pick a speed.

  Some trucks have started putting that bumper sticker on their doors. Pick a speed. I know that I personally couldn't care less what speed people drive at, just stick with it! Don't allow yourself to be riled up because a truck passed you. Just continue on at whatever speed you chose. Why mess with them? OK me, why mess with me?

  Do you suppose that they know how dumb they look after all those stupid maneuvers? I suppose not.

  A little later on a small pickup with a canopy went past me. Speed limit for me, 60, check. Speed limit for him, 70, check. He rolls past me slowly then stays right next to me, just in front of my bumper. I know what's going to happen. Eventually he will want over and do a panicky brake, then acceleration, to get over.

  Wait for it.......another couple miles......aha! there is the brief signal (a one blinker, love those!)......his truck swerves over and back, appearing to shutter as he realized the truck sitting in his blind spot. He brakes....but that's not the aggressive thing to do....so he guns it and gets out in front. Then he slows down as his exit approaches. I get over and roll right on by him, getting past him before he exits the freeway. Never once did I change my speed.

  So I feel like being acrimonious. Its not easy being witness to the stupidity of others. Being short sided is such a common practice on the highways. I like (in a morbid way), seeing some hazard up ahead and watching just how long it takes before people react to it. Scary stuff.

  Las Vegas got tired of how cars behave around trucks. They plastered a couple trucks with signs that told people there was highway patrol inside of them. Fifty feet wide by eight feet tall signs! They pulled lots of cars over for doing all that stuff. I hope they are still doing it.

  Spokane posted signs up that warned people to give trucks more room. I wish they would enforce that more.

   Hey look! Its snowing now. I love driving in the snow. You might think I am goofy or just plain stupid for liking driving in the snow so much, but I think I have one pretty good reason. Cars get scared in the snow, and that makes them more cautious. They don't tend to go racing trucks.

  I get to drive in the snow tonight! Woohoo! If any of those cars behave badly tonight I can just go past them, and presto, whiteout for them! They can't see anything thru all the snow coming off my truck. Oh sweet revenge. Maybe that's what the Russians meant when they said that revenge is best served cold! I am gonna enjoy this!

 

Merry Christmas

  May your Christmas be filled with blessing. May your family and friends bring delight to you. May the food you eat remind you of rich blessings. May the carols you sing make your heart leap for joy. May any emotional wounds be bound up so you can rejoice. May you be a blessing to a stranger. May the lights and decoration lift your spirits. May you find that special gift that you know will make that special someone light up. May Christmas not be a burden for you. May the warmth of hot chocolate permeate you to your toes. May you have a wonderful New Years celebration.

Mortality

  Dad is in the hospital. He went in on Wednesday after vomiting massive amounts of blood. Scary stuff. The specifics of what is going on are his to tell, but he is doing well and will likely be released Friday or Saturday.

  He called me from the hospital on Thursday and we had a genuine conversation, perhaps even the most genuine we have ever had. When he started vomiting the blood he had a thought that this was the end. "Nobody lives thru this" is what he thought. His gentleness of voice reflected the concern.

  I am unsure how to approach all this. Part of me is suddenly awakened to the brevity of time. Other parts simply think this will blow over and nothing will have changed. I do know that I was grateful for the excellent conversation we had. I want more of those.

  He tried to dissuade me from visiting him in the hospital. What is that all about? Weakness I suppose. "Never appear weak" is the mantra of many people, and dad can be an extreme example of that. For his sake, I hope he is released before I get back to town. For mine, let's hope he is still in there. "Just drive by the hospital and know I am in there. No need to go in." Embarrassed at weakness. Relatable, completely relatable.

  I am hoping this will be a catalyst for change in our relationship. Its not that we haven't been pursuing a relationship lately, we just haven't been able to quite make that quality connection. Its not an attack on him, or an indictment of me, we just can't. Won't. Maybe won't is the correct word.

  I won't let him be who he is and just love him as such.

  I really feel like writing down all the caveats right now of why I won't love him just how he is. Perhaps propose a list of demands and boundaries that prohibit me from connecting with him. The list of changes he could make that I expect would make me comfortable. This list would be compulsory but not comprehensive. I would feel justified in my demands.

  Hopefully my "won't" can change into "wouldn't".

  Grace, sensitivity, and meaning are all wonderful things to desire from other people. Blows chunks when its desired of me!

  Maybe he and I begin to forge new paths of caring and closeness. All I know is that I have been set on a path, I am a sojourner and a pilgrim, and I want to walk a while with my dad.

Accomplishing something

  Listening to "The Mental Illness Happy Hour" podcast and I got quite a revelation. When we are broken or in distress we often think that if we accomplish something our trouble will be over. Its like we assume success negates hurt. While success is often a good thing, with regards to emotional trauma it doesn't have a direct correlation to healing.

  That is not easy for me to accept. But I believe it to be true.

  The reason I struggle with applying this into my life is that I like solving problems. If you talk to me about your struggle I instantly switch to solving mode. The tender, just listen and be there, side doesn't come thru as quick.

  Just knowing that someone is there to share the pain is transformative.

  The inverse would be laughter. Laughter is commonly a public thing. We laugh more and harder with someone rather than alone. We love sharing joy.

  I never try to fix anything about someone when they are laughing. Instead I try and get closer to them. Maybe have a good moment.

  Why do I think happy moments are good and sad ones aren't?

  I hope the next person who comes to me broken, AND wants me to help solve there problem, isn't taken aback when I just want to comfort them and talk. Ok, maybe I will help! Friendships are so messy!