Mortality

  Dad is in the hospital. He went in on Wednesday after vomiting massive amounts of blood. Scary stuff. The specifics of what is going on are his to tell, but he is doing well and will likely be released Friday or Saturday.

  He called me from the hospital on Thursday and we had a genuine conversation, perhaps even the most genuine we have ever had. When he started vomiting the blood he had a thought that this was the end. "Nobody lives thru this" is what he thought. His gentleness of voice reflected the concern.

  I am unsure how to approach all this. Part of me is suddenly awakened to the brevity of time. Other parts simply think this will blow over and nothing will have changed. I do know that I was grateful for the excellent conversation we had. I want more of those.

  He tried to dissuade me from visiting him in the hospital. What is that all about? Weakness I suppose. "Never appear weak" is the mantra of many people, and dad can be an extreme example of that. For his sake, I hope he is released before I get back to town. For mine, let's hope he is still in there. "Just drive by the hospital and know I am in there. No need to go in." Embarrassed at weakness. Relatable, completely relatable.

  I am hoping this will be a catalyst for change in our relationship. Its not that we haven't been pursuing a relationship lately, we just haven't been able to quite make that quality connection. Its not an attack on him, or an indictment of me, we just can't. Won't. Maybe won't is the correct word.

  I won't let him be who he is and just love him as such.

  I really feel like writing down all the caveats right now of why I won't love him just how he is. Perhaps propose a list of demands and boundaries that prohibit me from connecting with him. The list of changes he could make that I expect would make me comfortable. This list would be compulsory but not comprehensive. I would feel justified in my demands.

  Hopefully my "won't" can change into "wouldn't".

  Grace, sensitivity, and meaning are all wonderful things to desire from other people. Blows chunks when its desired of me!

  Maybe he and I begin to forge new paths of caring and closeness. All I know is that I have been set on a path, I am a sojourner and a pilgrim, and I want to walk a while with my dad.