Insidious

  I really believed that separation and divorce would be one momentous, painfully brutal, occasion. Oh how wrong I can be!

  It is dozens upon dozens of tiny rejections. Every little thing that was once "ours" has to be severed. Divorce really isn't like losing a limb, its more like being scrubbed with steel wool. People tell you its going to be OK and you will heal, but she shows up to scrub away more everyday.

  I worry that my friends will bore of me talking about the divorce. Every little thing that gets changed rattles me and I want to talk. But to say what? "Yep, she is still leaving, it still hurts". Boring.

  Dreams about some other guy have started up. I wake up frustrated and upset. I cannot conceive of a day where I will see my wife loving another. I know that day will come.

  Sometimes I daydream about happy memories with her. Maybe that's not so wise!

  My thoughts are so disjointed. I can seldom stay in one spot for very long. I'm trying to medicate my emotions thru distractions. Unfortunately, I really love talking to my friends, and they aren't letting go.

  I have to be willing to be meek. My tendency is to man up and shove the pain away. Strong men are cool. Loners are lonely....at least I would be. Men who are meek are loved. Not wimpy! Manly men, doing manly things, who talk about manly stuff!
 
  I think its manly to share about life. Even in failure. Its the insidious side of humanity that says we can go it alone.