Vacation!

  For the second time in my life I have a paid vacation! Woohoo and whoopteedoo!

  Its time to be serious about fun. Very serious! Ha!

  I caught myself trying to figure out how to end the vacation early and get back to work. I am a workaholic. So when I told my boss what day I am coming back I purposefully took all the vacation. The full two weeks! Well.....not the entire two weeks, I am coming back three days early so I can use that time for when my sister visits in December. It is important to have time available for her.

  Why was I starting to obsess about returning to work early? Who cares! I thumb my nose at my neurotic nature and refuse to dwell on it any longer.

  Its time to check out for a while.

  I have plans on working on the 1956 Chevy pickup, flying rc planes, going to a play, bike riding, disc golfing, picnicking, movie watching, video gaming, and being lazy.

  I think I might have scheduled too much!

  Anyways, for the next 11 days I am free to do all the stuff I like to do, and I like to do cool stuff! I am super grateful that I am at a place in life where I can enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

  Watch out Spokane......its time to party!

Codependent

  Turns out I have a case of codependency. I don't know when exactly it struck, but I definitely have it.

  It is so annoying!

  When did caring about others cross over into this unhealthy space?

  For instance, today another driver backed his trailer into my truck. Not a lot of damage done, he only dented the shield over the exhaust stack. Seriously, no biggie.

  I begin worrying about this dude. He is a new driver in training (that means he is broke and might lose his job). I share with him a couple of blunders I had made when I started driving. We exchange info. All is done.

  But its not done for me.

  I have to swim around in the cesspool of my mind for the next hour or so. I wonder if there is anything I can do to help, perhaps I could pay for the shield. Should I have gotten his email? I have his phone number, but emailing him might be better. Is he going to be fired? Will his family be OK? Is he going to jump off the next overpass? Was this the final straw for him????!!!!!!

Arrrrggghhhhh

  Why must I care so much? Its not about them, its something about me. I like to rescue. Even when I shouldn't, even when its bad, I want to be the hero.

  Enough already!

  I need to find the perfect balance between caring and wanting to help, versus enabling and being stepped on.

  It is a delicate balance. Some people need a strong man to balance out their struggles. Others need a man strong enough to tell them to do it themselves.

  I have my own story concerning this.

  I was attending a secret society meeting. (Ominous right?!!) While at the meeting, I decided I would divulge all of my dark secrets. In open forum! Some zealous dude decided that he needed to protect me. He cuts me off and asks me to share at some other time. Screw him, I share anyways. When the meeting was over he approached me and explained how he was trying to protect me.

  I was gracious and thanked him for his effort. Then I talked to a friend about it. My friend wondered why it was that guys responsibility to protect me. Yeah, why?!!! It was a very good point indeed.

  I have come to accept that I am responsible to stand up for myself. If I feel unsafe or at risk, I need to do something about it. I am responsible.

  That is my job.

  Why then do I desire to do that same job for other people? Because I fundamentally believe that if there is conflict I need to end it, no matter how much it costs me. And because I have done that my entire life, I became emotionally weathered and proceeded to medicate away my frustrations.

  This is a big insight today. I don't take this lesson lightly. My mission isn't to be a hero. I want to be a helper, but first I have to be diligent with why I want to help. I am tired of cleaning the mud out of the welcome mat of my soul. I am tired of putting myself at emotional risk just so someone else will be comfortable.

The Ring Toss (part two)

  Well I made it! Some friends and I got together at the IHOP restaurant right in the Costco parking lot. We had dinner, chatted a bit, then walked out to toss the ring.

  I made no formality about it. I had figured that I might say a prayer, perhaps talk about a specific memory, or somehow express my sorrow. There was no need. These men have been by my side all along. They knew the scene. All of them, at one time or another, had listened to my laments about my marriage. They helped carry me thru the garbage.

  We walked over to the tree and looked for a place to toss the ring. On the far end of the lot was a big grassy dip that would likely have a dry well in the bottom. We headed that way.

  Things became quieter. We were all a little nervous. Someone commented how strange it would seem seeing a group of men walk across a parking lot and down into the ditch.

  One of the guys started to lift the grate off the top of the well. Another commented how I could just drop it down the grate. I was in a fog. I couldn't speak.

  Without saying a word I dropped the ring, turned, and walked away. The pain was so immensely powerful at that very moment, I simply couldn't think, let alone speak. Tears started flowing.

  We walked out of the ditch. We had maybe spent 30 second down there. Someone commented how strange it would look to see a group of guys walk into a ditch, one tries to take the lid off the drain, then another reaches down and drops something into the drain. I thought that was funny and started laughing.

  He had broken the ice. I am so grateful.

  We started joking around and being silly dudes. We fellowshipped in the parking lot for quite a while. I could tell that the men weren't going to leave until I was OK. That was a nice gift.

  The last gift I got that night was a friend calling me in the midst of a crisis. We were all about to head out when the call came in. My friend was hurting and wanted to talk. I offered for him to come out and meet us for dessert. He accepted the offer. I was so grateful that I could be of service.

I felt completely loved and valued the entire time I went to toss the ring. I even felt needed.

  Thank you.

  Thank you to the men who were there that night.

  Thank you to you the reader. Many of you who read this have walked this road with me.

  Thank you to all who have journeyed with me.

  Now I am a single dude.