Codependent

  Turns out I have a case of codependency. I don't know when exactly it struck, but I definitely have it.

  It is so annoying!

  When did caring about others cross over into this unhealthy space?

  For instance, today another driver backed his trailer into my truck. Not a lot of damage done, he only dented the shield over the exhaust stack. Seriously, no biggie.

  I begin worrying about this dude. He is a new driver in training (that means he is broke and might lose his job). I share with him a couple of blunders I had made when I started driving. We exchange info. All is done.

  But its not done for me.

  I have to swim around in the cesspool of my mind for the next hour or so. I wonder if there is anything I can do to help, perhaps I could pay for the shield. Should I have gotten his email? I have his phone number, but emailing him might be better. Is he going to be fired? Will his family be OK? Is he going to jump off the next overpass? Was this the final straw for him????!!!!!!

Arrrrggghhhhh

  Why must I care so much? Its not about them, its something about me. I like to rescue. Even when I shouldn't, even when its bad, I want to be the hero.

  Enough already!

  I need to find the perfect balance between caring and wanting to help, versus enabling and being stepped on.

  It is a delicate balance. Some people need a strong man to balance out their struggles. Others need a man strong enough to tell them to do it themselves.

  I have my own story concerning this.

  I was attending a secret society meeting. (Ominous right?!!) While at the meeting, I decided I would divulge all of my dark secrets. In open forum! Some zealous dude decided that he needed to protect me. He cuts me off and asks me to share at some other time. Screw him, I share anyways. When the meeting was over he approached me and explained how he was trying to protect me.

  I was gracious and thanked him for his effort. Then I talked to a friend about it. My friend wondered why it was that guys responsibility to protect me. Yeah, why?!!! It was a very good point indeed.

  I have come to accept that I am responsible to stand up for myself. If I feel unsafe or at risk, I need to do something about it. I am responsible.

  That is my job.

  Why then do I desire to do that same job for other people? Because I fundamentally believe that if there is conflict I need to end it, no matter how much it costs me. And because I have done that my entire life, I became emotionally weathered and proceeded to medicate away my frustrations.

  This is a big insight today. I don't take this lesson lightly. My mission isn't to be a hero. I want to be a helper, but first I have to be diligent with why I want to help. I am tired of cleaning the mud out of the welcome mat of my soul. I am tired of putting myself at emotional risk just so someone else will be comfortable.