Awkwardness

  Spent yesterday visiting Dad. He had the hospice workers attending him. They were giving him a beard trim and making sure he was propped up in a comfortable way. He was in some pain, but the medicine worked fast and he quickly relaxed.

  I often wondered what this stuff would be like. There were people who were important to me that had passed away, but never one that passed slowly, and certainly never one that was so close.

  When I would think about these things, I would try and imagine how I should behave. Keep in mind as you read these next couple of paragraphs  that I was an emotional cripple. I had been attempting to drown any real connection with anybody. For that, I was a moderate success.

  Death was so terrifying and raw. Being that death was such an uncommon event, there was no one to emulate. If there was no one to emulate, how would I know how to behave in a way that made others think I cared? What platitudes or sayings would be appropriate?

  Sure, I would care, but I wouldn't know how to function. My charade was going to be up if the heavy duty stuff came out. I would probably stay sober, only to drink more later, nursing the resentments of having my life disrupted.
  That is almost exactly what living thru someone dying would have been like, had I been active in my addictions. I would have cranked up the organ and danced like a stupid monkey, hoping the observers were entertained and happy. I was a fraud and could offer no genuine solace.

  That's why right now I am content. Deep connections have been forged during the last year, and specifically the last two months. Being there yesterday was important. It was important for my relationship with dad, and it was also important for my relationship with my step-mom.

  Her and I talk alot now. We do a little dance in our conversations. We carefully try and figure out how each other are doing without causing the other to cry. It's an art form! We aren't very good at it. I'm smiling writing this. She has helped me thru this. Incredibly, I've helped her. I think we sympathetically cry. I mean, if she starts to cry I lose it. If I do then she does. As I was leaving I told her I was sorry that she was going thru this. We cried and held each other. This isn't easy on her.

   Right now I feel needed, loved, cared for, content, sad........etc

  I don't feel lonely. Folks, that is huge for me.

  Dad is down to the wire. I know instinctively how to handle this situation. They promised me when I got sober that I would. I'm so grateful to be present and dependable thru such a painful time.

  I'm gonna miss that old curmudgeon.