A real bozo that I am

  Yesterday I backed up to a dock and went inside to talk to the lumper about unloading the trailer. The man was rude very uncordial in his speech. I responded appropriately by returning his lack of kindness.
 
  I went out to the truck to get a check for their services. As I was waiting for my company to issue the check, I mentally reviewed the conversation to see if (or how badly) I had behaved.

  As I perused the darker recesses of my mental abilities, I concluded that I had better be nicer in the next conversation with the lumper. I didn't want to but I should.

  I headed back inside ready to play nice. The fellow spoke exactly the same as before only now I noticed that he spoke with a small degree of difficulty. What I had taken as rudeness was really him being deliberate in his speech.

  No, I didn't say to him "I thought you were just rude, now I think you are just slow".

  I feel kinda bad about the whole thing. When someone gets snappy or rude I really like being a jerk back. Sometimes they may have just had some horrible thing happen, they don't like their job, or whatever...the point is...perhaps I should be kinder. I'm not saying I always will be. But I will try.

 

 

Cryptic messages

  I really enjoy throwing my thoughts down on this blog, even the bad ones. I strive not to be perfect. Instead I strive for openness. This doesn't come naturally for me. I have been an alcoholic/addict for much of my life.

  Part of my difficulty is identifying things that I struggle with and articulating them. My thoughts don't form this way.

  I traditionally function better focusing on the crap other people do. Lets face it, there is plenty of crap to talk about out there! :)

  I only achieve my feelings of contentment when I get my funky gunk out. Whereas I used to find joy in passing judgement on others, I now find joy in being more open with who I am.

  I have been at this process for over two years. No artificial pain killers.

  My family hasn't come back yet. There is hope that they will. There is fear that they won't. I don't want another family.

  I sit and think a lot. I used to call it stewing, now I think of it as more like a tossed salad.

  I have no idea what that last sentence was about. I just thought it would be funny to write it.

  So life goes on and funky gunk comes out. Life does keep getting better daily. But my historical perspective also becomes clearer.

Normality

  I am completely convinced that I am unable to attain or grasp normality. Or maybe that's the most normal thought I have ever had. 

  Is it normal for someone who hurts his family to feel sorrow when he can't talk to them?

  Alcoholism isn't normal. Addiction isn't normal. I guess recovery isn't normal then either.

  The disease model of alcoholism seems normal until you apply it to recovery. A cancer victim goes to war with his disease and the family hopes for the best recovery so they can have more time with him.

  To the man suffering from addiction this scenario doesn't play out the same. His disease has harmed his family emotionally and often physically. His family desires his recovery but they can injure themselves by helping or being involved. Sometimes separating is the right thing to do.

  Easy? Yeah right.

  I live in this separated world. I have found God. I have found sobriety. I have found untold grief and sorrow. I have a map to finding peace....I think I even have a ticket to getting there :)

  But is this all normal?

  This can't be normal. But it doesn't seem strange. It just is.

  I gotta stop trying to figure out what I should feel and just feel whatever I am feeling. I think I feel lonely.

Suffering at the hands of:

  It is with great shame and pain I write this blog.

  I have hurt my family in many ways. My alcoholism and addictions have caused untold grief and anguish for many.

  The forum of writing online limits what I can say. I can't disclose all the garbage I have done. In so doing I may further hurt those I have injured.

  Now, with all the preliminaries out of the way, lets get real.

  Today I find myself grieving very much. The horrible things I have done have caused a loved one to cut themselves and contemplate suicide.

  I am incapable of describing with enough intensity the horror I feel about that last paragraph.

  Throughout my recovery I have been a little naive. I supposed this person was doing fine and was able to cope. My prayers for them weren't as focused as they should have been. My selfishness was focused on them forgiving me. I should have been more concerned for their emotional healing.

  This process of recovery is slow and painful. My soul is crushed and my spirit broken. How is it possible for this moron to hurt others so greatly? And now I must stand back and watch them struggle to find the same lifeline I grabbed. This stinks.

The greener grass

  "The grass is greener on the other side"

  I have believed this statement for way too long. I submit my mind to the fantasy that life is somehow better for someone else. I would just be happy to be who they are.
 
  Truth be told, the grass is greener where it is cared for.

  If I want that great relationship with my wife then I have to tend to the things that can cause that closeness.

  The cool thing is that God says he will help. I don't have to water alone anymore. Praise God!