The porn star

  I listened to an interview with a former porn star. She had been desiring to get into modeling and then slowly got coerced into revealing more and more. Her photographer had gained her trust by being nice and even talking about his own Christian background. Eventually the lure of money and the confidence of friends won over and she began posing nude.

  Almost immediately God began to convict her of what she had done. She called the webmaster and tried, unsuccessfully, to back out of the deal. She was able to extricate herself from further involvement, but the damage was already done and would soon haunt her.

  To her horror, within days of the site opening up her friends and family found out. Relationships were strained and hearts broken. Her relationship with her mom had still yet to heal at the time of the interview.

  Today she is a beacon of hope and reconciliation. Her strength thru the pain is a true gift of God. She stands as a testimony to the love of the gospel. Her openness will help rescue many. She has become a true woman. Gods woman.
 
  According to the interview her photos still exist on the website. Think about this, there are men who are seeing her and have no idea that she has changed. They are lusting after a woman who was very much hurt by the very images they are currently enjoying! Dude, that is rough stuff.

  My own addiction to pornography caused me to not think of women as real people. By viewing so many photographs, my heart became walled off from real connection. The real women I encountered slowly became like the imaginary women. I became incapable of a true relationship.

  This woman has helped me put those images back in their proper context. These aren't bodies to be lusted after, they are true women who should be cherished. They are women with hurts and pasts that have brought them to this place of confusion. They are women who seem to be enjoying life to the full, while slowly the noose tightens.

  In fact, the woman in the interview said that she felt glamorous at first. With all the neat cloths and makeup, she felt beautiful. She felt cherished and cared for. She wasn't aware of her great need to feel beautiful and desired, so she sought it in the wrong place, and believed the money made it ok.

  The trouble is, I felt the same way when I looked at porn. Here was an attractive lady that accepted me, warts and all. She wasn't concerned with my failures or my faults. She wasn't concerned with the finances or mortgage. It wasn't important if I truly cared for her. She was there to accept me. She could just give and I could just take. No harm done. And I really believed all that!

  I am glad I listened to the interview. O how I hope that more men and women will see just how destructive becoming involved with porn can be.

  Do you think the church can help? Wouldn't a former porn star be a valuable asset to The Lords church? What is it wasn't a former one, but one that was seeking?

  The church is supposed to be a place of healing for all. We should be able to come and pour out our pains and disappointments. We do not become complainers when we do, rather we expose the bad thoughts to the light where they can wither and die.

  Even in recovery I have bad thoughts attack me. Try out this next paragraph and see what you think. Remember, temptation isn't a sin, its when that temptation lures us away that sin begins.

   I was tempted to go look up pictures of this woman. I could say that I was only going to look at proper photos of her, ya know.....just so I could more imagine her pain and be able to put a face on the struggle. Wow what a load of mushrooms that is! Looking her up would have inevitably ended with me gazing upon her naked form. My imagination would not have been satisfied with safe images when naughty ones were just a click away. By maintaining my boundaries I didn't fall and this woman wasn't objectified by yet another dude.

  Let us face it, addiction is insipid and brutal. It takes no prisoners and does not negotiate. If I don't expose the wicked thoughts I slowly become alone and incapable of love. But the woman on the web page will still care for me, I just feel it. Brutal.

Slow down

  I just heard a story about soldiers dying at an alarming rate while storming into rooms. This close quarters combat issue evidently came down to soldiers rushing into a room too quickly, not being able to fully assess the surroundings, and thus being vulnerable to attack.

  To solve this situation the army adopted a new strategy. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

  That concept is so simple! I find myself applying it to more and more situations. In recovery taking your time and doing it smoothly seems so slow. Yet, people with more time and serenity say, "Relax, if you rush you will fail".

  I am gonna try and slow down. The pace should be set by God and I should just let him lead. I wish He would hurry up!
 
Ecclesiastes 7:8
Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.

Forgiveness

  I spent some time discussing forgiveness with some friends yesterday. One of the guys had his sisters molested by a friend of the family quite a few years ago. The pain and trauma of what happened eventually led to his being raised in foster care, his parents divorce, and his mother becoming lesbian. The offender spent ten years in prison, then passed away a couple years after his release.

  My friend has no clue how to start forgiving this guy and neither do I. So I would like to chronicle some of the difficulties of forgiveness.

  This situation isn't easy to figure out. Was the guy responsible for the divorce, foster care, and lesbianism? Was he a catalyst in making those things happen? Can my friend forgive the man even tho the guy has passed away and can't ask for forgiveness? Are my friends anger issues this dudes fault?

  I am not trying to answer any specifics about my friends situation. I just want you to imagine how you would feel and what you might do.

  The difficulties of forgiving this heinous act are numerous. It involves treating ones own unforgiveness as a cancer. We don't want to gloss over the bad behaviour, nor do we want to continue holding the resentment. Resentment will poison our lives if not taken care of.

  One way to begin forgiving someone is by writing out what happened and how we were affected. We then take that letter and share it with someone safe. We don't hold back or minimize our thoughts or feelings. The listening party doesn't try to do anything but encourage them to go deep and get it all out. Anger and tears are common.

  We can then take the letter and have a closure ceremony. Some have found that burning the letter can be quite healing. Some may want to keep the letter in their journal. If they want to keep the letter I would encourage them to find some other appropriate way to symbolize letting go.

  What about maybe talking to the person who hurt you? Confronting the person who hurt you can be helpful, but be careful! What if they try to minimize what they did? What if they point out your faults? What if the jerkasaurus thinks you don't deserve an apology? What if the healing you thought you would get becomes even more bitterness?

  Lets face it, sometimes I don't like forgiving certain people. I feel like I have power and control by not forgiving them. Sometimes I think if I forgive them I must then be buddy buddy with them. And I don't want to do that! Those suckers deserve whatever pain they get.

  I am told that forgiveness at the core is cancelling a debt. Sometimes the debt is so large it seems impossible. Sometimes the pain is so huge forgiveness seems unfair. Sometimes my anger is so righteous forgiveness seems stupid and illogical.

  When I think of debt being cancelled I think of the cross. The old saying is, "He paid a debt he didn't owe, and I owed a debt I couldn't pay".

  Does recognizing my own sins help me forgive the sins of others? Not very often. I mean, it should. I would sound much more spiritual if I said it did. But I am just not that good. I don't like forgiving people unless I get something out of it. But if I get something out of it am I really forgiving or am I just reducing payment?

  If people would stop hurting me I wouldn't have to learn these lessons. Life would be easy. Yet God has ordered my path and forgiveness is something that he says will help.

  pOne of my friends said, "If someone keeps stepping on your toes, you should buy steel-toed boots." 

  I like that thought. The trouble is, it allows the person to keep reoffending and I pretend like it doesn't matter. Classic enabling. "Don't worry about hurting me, I am tough and can take it."

  So I challenge you... How do you forgive? And can you explain it in common terms without going super spiritual. I do think that God certainly empowers us to be able to forgive, but what are those little things we can do that helps move the process along?
 

My first view

  I am arriving at a terrible memory. It involves my first view of pornography. I don't know what the average age is for a kid to view porn for the first time is, for me it was nine.
 
  My dad took me (maybe my sister also) to see Porky's. I only know that I was nine by looking up when the movie was made. I suppose that I could have been ten, depending on when the release date was.

-Plot summary from imdb.com-
"Set in 1954, a group of Florida high schoolers seek out to lose their virginity which leads them to seek revenge on a sleazy nightclub owner and his redneck sheriff brother for harassing them"

  The movie is rated "R" and I am sure the director narrowly missed the "X" rating by being clever with a few scenes. There is plenty of nudity both male and female. There are hookers, strippers, and a madame or two.

  At nine years old I didn't know what to do with this info. The guys seemed to be having fun and I liked fun. So I began looking for this "fun".

  The neighbor kids were slightly older and they liked fun. He was thirteen and she was eleven. So I stole some wine from my dads cupboard, we all drank, and we danced nude. I felt so accepted and cared for. Finally I had arrived.  
 
  I didn't know at the time just how much I would attach acceptance with sex. If a lady cared for me, clearly sex should follow.

  I hid the alcohol in the water meter box and hoped for further contact with the neighbor kids. When they didn't want to "play", I drank the alcohol and was comforted. I remember riding the bus home wondering when I could sneak a drink. Drinking socially wasn't an option for me, even from the start.

  What I want to know is:

How come my dad stayed and watched the movie with me/us?

Was he worried about losing the money he had spent?

Did he really want to see those images and was unconcerned about the impact it would have on his young child?

The drive to the theatre was 30 minutes. Was he upset at the hour investment to get there and back, so he might as well just watch it?

  I can't think of any other scenarios that would make sense. Any one of those answers stink. My dad was a broken man, and so am I. I am certain he is not aware just how horrible that movie was. And I am certain he doesn't remember going (he might if he reads this).

  Instead of gently warning his son of the dangers of porn and alcohol, my dad provided them.

  I am not trying to blame my dad for making me the addict I have become. I would have found the pleasures of porn and alcohol on my own. But these were my first exposures to them. Those pleasures only lasted for a while, just like the Bible said they would. I warped my mind trying to pursue acceptance in a bottle or a breast.

  Things are getting better now. I have a group of men I can talk to who help me process things in a proper way. I even have female friends who I don't pursue sexually. My father and I are building bridges towards a loving relationship. But best of all, I found forgiveness in the finished work of the cross.

******UPDATE*******

  After a review of my timeline I now realise that the dancing nude with the neighbor kids happened when I was seven or eight. This puts it before Porky's . The neighbor boy was somewhere around twelve. Certainly old enough to know what was what.

  So that's where my sexual beginnings started. No wonder I struggle with sexual purity. I grew up  believing sex was just a good way to be friends with a girl. And if we didn't have sex I was being rejected.

  It is really difficult to process this history. It seems to bring into focus all the pains and struggles I have had.

The scorecard

  I came across an old scorecard from 2000. It was for a bowling league we used to play in. Those were such fun times. It is a strange thing to look back in time and remember where you were at.

  We would get my grandma to watch the kids every bowling night. She just loved coming over. I think we tried to have a meal ready for her to serve the kids.

  I was a more competitive bowler, my wife just had fun. The scorecard has me winning the top scratch score and my wife winning top handicap. It was a tremendous week!

  So I cherish those times. Who knew a small piece of paper could flood my memories and emotions? We had many great evenings bowling. Hope we can do it again sometime.