My first view

  I am arriving at a terrible memory. It involves my first view of pornography. I don't know what the average age is for a kid to view porn for the first time is, for me it was nine.
 
  My dad took me (maybe my sister also) to see Porky's. I only know that I was nine by looking up when the movie was made. I suppose that I could have been ten, depending on when the release date was.

-Plot summary from imdb.com-
"Set in 1954, a group of Florida high schoolers seek out to lose their virginity which leads them to seek revenge on a sleazy nightclub owner and his redneck sheriff brother for harassing them"

  The movie is rated "R" and I am sure the director narrowly missed the "X" rating by being clever with a few scenes. There is plenty of nudity both male and female. There are hookers, strippers, and a madame or two.

  At nine years old I didn't know what to do with this info. The guys seemed to be having fun and I liked fun. So I began looking for this "fun".

  The neighbor kids were slightly older and they liked fun. He was thirteen and she was eleven. So I stole some wine from my dads cupboard, we all drank, and we danced nude. I felt so accepted and cared for. Finally I had arrived.  
 
  I didn't know at the time just how much I would attach acceptance with sex. If a lady cared for me, clearly sex should follow.

  I hid the alcohol in the water meter box and hoped for further contact with the neighbor kids. When they didn't want to "play", I drank the alcohol and was comforted. I remember riding the bus home wondering when I could sneak a drink. Drinking socially wasn't an option for me, even from the start.

  What I want to know is:

How come my dad stayed and watched the movie with me/us?

Was he worried about losing the money he had spent?

Did he really want to see those images and was unconcerned about the impact it would have on his young child?

The drive to the theatre was 30 minutes. Was he upset at the hour investment to get there and back, so he might as well just watch it?

  I can't think of any other scenarios that would make sense. Any one of those answers stink. My dad was a broken man, and so am I. I am certain he is not aware just how horrible that movie was. And I am certain he doesn't remember going (he might if he reads this).

  Instead of gently warning his son of the dangers of porn and alcohol, my dad provided them.

  I am not trying to blame my dad for making me the addict I have become. I would have found the pleasures of porn and alcohol on my own. But these were my first exposures to them. Those pleasures only lasted for a while, just like the Bible said they would. I warped my mind trying to pursue acceptance in a bottle or a breast.

  Things are getting better now. I have a group of men I can talk to who help me process things in a proper way. I even have female friends who I don't pursue sexually. My father and I are building bridges towards a loving relationship. But best of all, I found forgiveness in the finished work of the cross.

******UPDATE*******

  After a review of my timeline I now realise that the dancing nude with the neighbor kids happened when I was seven or eight. This puts it before Porky's . The neighbor boy was somewhere around twelve. Certainly old enough to know what was what.

  So that's where my sexual beginnings started. No wonder I struggle with sexual purity. I grew up  believing sex was just a good way to be friends with a girl. And if we didn't have sex I was being rejected.

  It is really difficult to process this history. It seems to bring into focus all the pains and struggles I have had.