Forgiveness

  I spent some time discussing forgiveness with some friends yesterday. One of the guys had his sisters molested by a friend of the family quite a few years ago. The pain and trauma of what happened eventually led to his being raised in foster care, his parents divorce, and his mother becoming lesbian. The offender spent ten years in prison, then passed away a couple years after his release.

  My friend has no clue how to start forgiving this guy and neither do I. So I would like to chronicle some of the difficulties of forgiveness.

  This situation isn't easy to figure out. Was the guy responsible for the divorce, foster care, and lesbianism? Was he a catalyst in making those things happen? Can my friend forgive the man even tho the guy has passed away and can't ask for forgiveness? Are my friends anger issues this dudes fault?

  I am not trying to answer any specifics about my friends situation. I just want you to imagine how you would feel and what you might do.

  The difficulties of forgiving this heinous act are numerous. It involves treating ones own unforgiveness as a cancer. We don't want to gloss over the bad behaviour, nor do we want to continue holding the resentment. Resentment will poison our lives if not taken care of.

  One way to begin forgiving someone is by writing out what happened and how we were affected. We then take that letter and share it with someone safe. We don't hold back or minimize our thoughts or feelings. The listening party doesn't try to do anything but encourage them to go deep and get it all out. Anger and tears are common.

  We can then take the letter and have a closure ceremony. Some have found that burning the letter can be quite healing. Some may want to keep the letter in their journal. If they want to keep the letter I would encourage them to find some other appropriate way to symbolize letting go.

  What about maybe talking to the person who hurt you? Confronting the person who hurt you can be helpful, but be careful! What if they try to minimize what they did? What if they point out your faults? What if the jerkasaurus thinks you don't deserve an apology? What if the healing you thought you would get becomes even more bitterness?

  Lets face it, sometimes I don't like forgiving certain people. I feel like I have power and control by not forgiving them. Sometimes I think if I forgive them I must then be buddy buddy with them. And I don't want to do that! Those suckers deserve whatever pain they get.

  I am told that forgiveness at the core is cancelling a debt. Sometimes the debt is so large it seems impossible. Sometimes the pain is so huge forgiveness seems unfair. Sometimes my anger is so righteous forgiveness seems stupid and illogical.

  When I think of debt being cancelled I think of the cross. The old saying is, "He paid a debt he didn't owe, and I owed a debt I couldn't pay".

  Does recognizing my own sins help me forgive the sins of others? Not very often. I mean, it should. I would sound much more spiritual if I said it did. But I am just not that good. I don't like forgiving people unless I get something out of it. But if I get something out of it am I really forgiving or am I just reducing payment?

  If people would stop hurting me I wouldn't have to learn these lessons. Life would be easy. Yet God has ordered my path and forgiveness is something that he says will help.

  pOne of my friends said, "If someone keeps stepping on your toes, you should buy steel-toed boots." 

  I like that thought. The trouble is, it allows the person to keep reoffending and I pretend like it doesn't matter. Classic enabling. "Don't worry about hurting me, I am tough and can take it."

  So I challenge you... How do you forgive? And can you explain it in common terms without going super spiritual. I do think that God certainly empowers us to be able to forgive, but what are those little things we can do that helps move the process along?