Unrecognizable

  And they are off!

  Confusion takes an early lead,

  Anger begins to make its push on the back stretch,

  Disillusion has the rail,

  As we push into the final corner bitterness is showing signs of strength!

  I know, a horserace analogy for divorce isn't the most clever, but it works! So many heady emotions, so many glimmers of hope trampled under foot, heck even the announcer can't predict the winner! No matter what horse you bet on, its a race full of losers.

  There is a cliche about divorce that goes something like, "You won't be able to recognize the person you thought you once knew". My arrogance thought that it wouldn't happen to me. I REALLY knew her!

  I called her yesterday. Had a question about a bill. The phone call was pleasant and we figured out what was up. A couple hours later I get an email telling me not to call again and to only communicate with her thru email. She was upset that I had called her when she was preparing to go to church and worship God. She said my phone call was unnecessary.

  Unnecessary

  I hate that word. It described what I have become to her. It negates 18+ years of relationship we have had. It peals off the skin of hope that I had and tosses it away.

  She seems to be riding the bitterness horse quite hard. He is the easiest horse to ride and he seems to outlive all other horses. He is a stud and procreates like a damn bunny. Bitterness is always a contender.

  Many have gone thru painful divorces before me. That comforts me is some bizarre way. I see these people, they seem happy, and that gives me hope. The ones who have blossomed into loving people really draw me out. I think I can make it.

  I steady my horse. We enter the starting blocks. The powerful horse trembles and quakes in anticipation of the gates opening. Steam rises from his mighty nostrils.

My horses name you ask? Humility, Fear, Anticipation, Hope, Gratitude, Concern, Clamor....... He goes by many names. Today I'm gonna ride Honorably.

 

Unrecognizable

  And they are off!

  Confusion takes an early lead,

  Anger begins to make its push on the back stretch,

  Disillusion has the rail,

  As we push into the final corner bitterness is showing signs of strength!

  I know, a horserace analogy for divorce isn't the most clever, but it works! So many heady emotions, so many glimmers of hope trampled under foot, heck even the announcer can't predict the winner! No matter what horse you bet on, its a race full of losers.

  There is a cliche about divorce that goes something like, "You won't be able to recognize the person you thought you once knew". My arrogance thought that it wouldn't happen to me. I REALLY knew her!

  I called her yesterday. Had a question about a bill. The phone call was pleasant and we figured out what was up. A couple hours later I get an email telling me not to call again and to only communicate with her thru email. She was upset that I had called her when she was preparing to go to church and worship God. She said my phone call was unnecessary.

  Unnecessary

  I hate that word. It described what I have become to her. It negates 18+ years of relationship we have had. It peals off the skin of hope that I had and tosses it away.

  She seems to be riding the bitterness horse quite hard. He is the easiest horse to ride and he seems to outlive all other horses. He is a stud and procreates like a damn bunny. Bitterness is always a contender.

  Many have gone thru painful divorces before me. That comforts me is some bizarre way. I see these people, they seem happy, and that gives me hope. The ones who have blossomed into loving people really draw me out. I think I can make it.

  I steady my horse. We enter the starting blocks. The powerful horse trembles and quakes in anticipation of the gates opening. Steam rises from his mighty nostrils.

My horses name you ask? Humility, Fear, Anticipation, Hope, Gratitude, Concern, Clamor....... He goes by many names. Today I'm gonna ride Honorably.

 

The clock

  The clock on the wall indicates thirty minutes til I need to leave. What is to follow terrifies me. I journey to get the paperwork for my divorce from my wife's attorney. The paperwork will be a pretty fair assessment of what this part of my life will look like in the coming months and years.
 
  I want to freak out for a while. I'm scared.

  Part of me feels like a phoney for having fear. The whole "Fear not, trust God" stuff isn't working right now...OK maybe a little bit...but certainly not as much as I would like! A crisis of faith? Not really. Its more of a crisis of losing my best friend, and I don't want it to be ugly.

  For a week I have been watching this time arrive. Questions have been swirling around in my head. Will I find amicable papers, or a war compact? Who really knows? Not me, not yet!

  I have plans to be with friends tonight. Ones of whom I can freak out around. Ones who will give of there strength to buoy up this fragile man. Friends who I have found solace and comfort in.

  Its down to twenty minutes.

Codependency

  Turns out I am quite the codependent, entirely unsure how to handle situations that arise for other people. When there situation seems tough, I internalize it, thus creating shame for myself.

  Cryptic enough for ya?!!

  Here is what happened:

  I arrive at a shipper and am getting loaded (the truck....not me....ha!). My coworker gets a phone call from the safety department stating that he had hit a mirror on a car. He is a new guy and becomes visibly distressed quickly at the thought of having a write up.

We look the trailer over to see if there is a scrape or mark on it. Couldn't find a thing. But how much of a mark could a mirror leave?

  While I feel empathy for the guy, and that is good, I also start to freak out a little internally. I feel like I caused the problem. Sure I can logically find my way thru that minefield, but somehow anxiety still knocks on my door.

  Maybe its anxiety and not codependency. Whatever the label, I am tired of having these moments. I have enough crap that I cause to worry about. Why bother having undue stress over others stuff?

I truly hope the guy doesn't worry too much. Its really a small thing and it will ultimately not ding him much at all. Now to convince myself of that!

 
 

Insidious

  I really believed that separation and divorce would be one momentous, painfully brutal, occasion. Oh how wrong I can be!

  It is dozens upon dozens of tiny rejections. Every little thing that was once "ours" has to be severed. Divorce really isn't like losing a limb, its more like being scrubbed with steel wool. People tell you its going to be OK and you will heal, but she shows up to scrub away more everyday.

  I worry that my friends will bore of me talking about the divorce. Every little thing that gets changed rattles me and I want to talk. But to say what? "Yep, she is still leaving, it still hurts". Boring.

  Dreams about some other guy have started up. I wake up frustrated and upset. I cannot conceive of a day where I will see my wife loving another. I know that day will come.

  Sometimes I daydream about happy memories with her. Maybe that's not so wise!

  My thoughts are so disjointed. I can seldom stay in one spot for very long. I'm trying to medicate my emotions thru distractions. Unfortunately, I really love talking to my friends, and they aren't letting go.

  I have to be willing to be meek. My tendency is to man up and shove the pain away. Strong men are cool. Loners are lonely....at least I would be. Men who are meek are loved. Not wimpy! Manly men, doing manly things, who talk about manly stuff!
 
  I think its manly to share about life. Even in failure. Its the insidious side of humanity that says we can go it alone.