Indulge me a little petulance

  I am a few days into the discovery of my ex's new love interest. My support structure has helped navigate me thru the painful thoughts. I am greatly aware now that I will survive, flourish, and become even more healed. Armed with the knowledge that I am doing OK, let's get sideways in our discussion. Indulge me.

  I have looked at pictures of the new guy. Not a very striking guy! Handsome and debonair are not words likely to be associated with this creep. He is instantly forgettable...well...maybe not for me due to the circumstances.

  I am so pleased that he is not a looker! It would be crushing to my self worth if he had been handsome. I know it is petty, but it feels sooooo good!

  I am doubling down on the diet. I am going to buy a bike and stay riding it. I plan on thinning up and getting in shape. One day I will meet this guy, and when I do, I want to blow him out of the waters with my machismo. Booyah!

  Living well is the sweetest revenge. Looking good helps!

  Come on Josh, aren't you being a bit vain? Yup.

  Aren't you just projecting ugliness onto him? I suppose...but he earned it. Let me have a look at his picture again......nope......not projecting! Ha!

  If she is attracted to him, doesn't that make you ugly as well, seeing as she also liked you? Not at all. The fact is that I am so attractive it scared her into going for the dog. Woof!

  You are so mean Josh!

  Hey, I am just trying to be real. I sort of snickered at the idea of her dating a turd and me showing up with a beauty. Justice served!

  I will be a fit and firm hunk of manliness. Women will swoon. Men will weep. My ex will know that she chose poorly. And I will do my best to not rub it in....while flexing as I pick up something.

  Is this all fantasy? Sort of. I really do want to get in shape. I am working hard and eating well to achieve that goal. I want to present myself as a new man. Outwardly hunk-a-lishous, while inwardly a sensitive man. Cue the swooning babes!

  So Bozo (that's not the bozos real name) you may have came in and grabbed her attention, but you did it while she was vulnerable. You also did it while divorcing your own wife, turd breath. You make pond scum look smart. You make me sick. You are merely the stuff she dragged in on the bottom of her shoe. Eventually you will wear off.

  How about you man up and go try and fix your own marriage? If it can't be fixed, take some time off and come to grips with what you may have failed at. Its good to be able to see circumspectly, go try it. And leave my soon to be ex alone, instead of creating new wreckage. Its better for everyone. Stop being a predator of weak women. I was one and I recognize it in you. Get help butt breath.

 

Dilemma

  My recovery friends have helped out in the most amazing ways. Yesterday felt like my world had ended, today I begin with a new hope.

  I was presented with a dilemma. I could continue to pine away for my ex, hoping that she would wake up, or simply accept and move on.

  She appears to be entering into a destructive relationship that has plenty of landmines. It has the appearance of how our relationship had started. The trouble is, it often takes years for the problems to surface and become painful enough to address. Even if they do develop there would be no guarantee of her suddenly wanting me back, or even entertaining the idea.

  The fellow she has chosen was a leader in the church. Six months ago he stepped down and filed for divorce. His divorce is still pending. My ex's divorce isn't final yet either.

  I can see how these two hurting people could think that they will help each other out. They will be trying hard and putting their best foot forward. There is always a slight chance that it could work, but without healing its hard to see how.

  I believe the path to recovery involves investment, time, and rigorous honesty. I am not good at any of them, but I am doing it. Its not apparent that these two have done the heavy lifting.

  Goodbye my sweetie. I will be writing an obituary of our marriage. I will always cherish our memories. I won't always be bitter. I have no idea if my future has a new love for me, but I am certain our love won't reignite. I will weep and mourn. I will press into the feeling and do my best to not suppress them. You would be proud of who I have become. I will still love you, but it won't be the same kind of love. The years of confusion and pain are closing, I hope you will emerge happy. I hope you don't get hurt again.

Heartache

  Just found out that my wife is dating another dude. I suppose its more accurate to say, my soon to be ex is dating another dude. The divorce hasn't happened yet, that happens next month. Their relationship is serious enough for her family to know about it and know that they are working towards something serious. His divorce won't be final for a while. Two people going thru divorces deciding to date.......

  Last August she told me to forget about her. She didn't want to be pursued and she didn't want me to hope for reconciliation. I still did. Of course I did.

  Finding this out wrecked my day. Countless tears, screaming, and moaning. I have a headache.

  While I am so grateful for my group of friends who stepped up and kept me on the phone, it doesn't solve the problem. The problem can't be solved. The decision to date means that there will never be reconciliation. There can't be. I will never have that emotional connection with her again.

  I had hoped that she could meet the real me. Perhaps the pain caused by the old me could be transformed. Perhaps she wouldn't fear me.

  I am a recovering drunk and sex addict. Those addictions lead me to some very dark places. In the darkness I wounded and trampled on the very people who cared about me most.

  We had a while together after recovery had started. We became closer and talked more earnestly. Hopes were high. But the victories were small and the old battles were bloody. Eventually she couldn't hold out anymore. And now I am sure of it.

  I sit here right now.

  The pain is fresh. The tears sting. My hope is dashed to pieces.

  They tell me that life and love will return. This tremendous weight will be lifted. I can't see how.

  It was a very rough day.

End of life

  In kind of a bizarre twist to an otherwise acrimonious relationship, my dad has started to become gentle and loving. I only wish it didn't have to happen because of cancer.

  It started a few months ago with him finding out about his liver cancer. He began vomiting up large quantities of blood, was rushed off to the emergency room, only to discover in the coming weeks that he had the liver cancer.

  Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. He had been having pain in his left arm for a few days, then suddenly it broke. Place the arm in a cast, do some tests, and...crap...bone cancer.

  Seeing Dad weak and vulnerable is difficult. I wish he didn't have to go thru the treatments and fear. I wish the answers came easier.

  Its hard to reconcile my feelings about his physical trauma with my feelings about his emotional vulnerabilities. I have enjoyed this new side of him. Our conversations are more honest and deep. Why did it have to happen towards the end of life?

  We spent years debating politics and religion. We had countless hours dissecting the intricate details of what is wrong with the world. I watched as he carefully avoided any true bonds with people. I watched him avoid bonding with me.

  I'm still nervous when I see him. I keep expecting the legalist to emerge. Can this softer man really continue?

  There are those who can ask the same questions about me. My reformed life is still young. I only recently became a loving and compassionate man. Looks like my father, like me, may have experienced enough trauma to change him. I am working on giving him the same forgiveness I want. It is tough to do. I am a hypocrite.