In kind of a bizarre twist to an otherwise acrimonious relationship, my dad has started to become gentle and loving. I only wish it didn't have to happen because of cancer.
It started a few months ago with him finding out about his liver cancer. He began vomiting up large quantities of blood, was rushed off to the emergency room, only to discover in the coming weeks that he had the liver cancer.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. He had been having pain in his left arm for a few days, then suddenly it broke. Place the arm in a cast, do some tests, and...crap...bone cancer.
Seeing Dad weak and vulnerable is difficult. I wish he didn't have to go thru the treatments and fear. I wish the answers came easier.
Its hard to reconcile my feelings about his physical trauma with my feelings about his emotional vulnerabilities. I have enjoyed this new side of him. Our conversations are more honest and deep. Why did it have to happen towards the end of life?
We spent years debating politics and religion. We had countless hours dissecting the intricate details of what is wrong with the world. I watched as he carefully avoided any true bonds with people. I watched him avoid bonding with me.
I'm still nervous when I see him. I keep expecting the legalist to emerge. Can this softer man really continue?
There are those who can ask the same questions about me. My reformed life is still young. I only recently became a loving and compassionate man. Looks like my father, like me, may have experienced enough trauma to change him. I am working on giving him the same forgiveness I want. It is tough to do. I am a hypocrite.
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