Heartache

  Just found out that my wife is dating another dude. I suppose its more accurate to say, my soon to be ex is dating another dude. The divorce hasn't happened yet, that happens next month. Their relationship is serious enough for her family to know about it and know that they are working towards something serious. His divorce won't be final for a while. Two people going thru divorces deciding to date.......

  Last August she told me to forget about her. She didn't want to be pursued and she didn't want me to hope for reconciliation. I still did. Of course I did.

  Finding this out wrecked my day. Countless tears, screaming, and moaning. I have a headache.

  While I am so grateful for my group of friends who stepped up and kept me on the phone, it doesn't solve the problem. The problem can't be solved. The decision to date means that there will never be reconciliation. There can't be. I will never have that emotional connection with her again.

  I had hoped that she could meet the real me. Perhaps the pain caused by the old me could be transformed. Perhaps she wouldn't fear me.

  I am a recovering drunk and sex addict. Those addictions lead me to some very dark places. In the darkness I wounded and trampled on the very people who cared about me most.

  We had a while together after recovery had started. We became closer and talked more earnestly. Hopes were high. But the victories were small and the old battles were bloody. Eventually she couldn't hold out anymore. And now I am sure of it.

  I sit here right now.

  The pain is fresh. The tears sting. My hope is dashed to pieces.

  They tell me that life and love will return. This tremendous weight will be lifted. I can't see how.

  It was a very rough day.