Being needed

  Last week Grandma Margie went into the hospital for pneumonia. She is old, frail, and onry. She has the spirit and spunk of a two year old, but her body and mind can't keep pace.

  On Sunday her heart started beating erratic. One side was dubbing and the other wasn't lubbing. The lub side was basically quivering. No lub-dub. Death seemed to be knocking on her door.

  They put a cocktail of drugs in her to stabilize her heartbeat and dissolve the clot that was found on her lung. She was tired from the morphine and seemed ready to check out. She has an order to not resuscitate her, so things were getting tense.

  But let me rewind a bit.

  On Sunday I was on my way back into town and was going to spend the afternoon helping a friend move and then stop by the hospital to say hi to Gram. My mom called me and said, "Grandma is dying". Then my mom broke into tears and said, "I need you here". I told her that it would be another hour before I got there, but I would hurry.

  That's when time slowed down and reality warped on me.

  You see, I'm not that guy. Unreliable, insensitive, uncaring, hardass, all around jerk face......that's who I am. I am not the guy you call in a time of crisis. I cried out to God, "Please help me be of comfort to Grandma and Mom. I don't know what I am doing. I am gonna walk into that hospital, please just show me what I can do".

  That may not be the exact wording I used. Probably more of a panicked "oh crap" kinda prayer was offered. But those were my thoughts.

  Grandma took a few hours to start improving, but she did improve! Last night she even moved into a place that has the facilities to help her. I was able to be there for my mom and grandma.

  I am not used to being relied upon. I hurt people. Don't pass that last sentence up. I hurt people......deeply. I am so amazed that my life has brought me to a place of usefulness. Gratitude is an inadequate word to describe the feeling.

  I really am available to help. I truly can express my own fears and frustrations. I can even be counted on to say inappropriate jokes at all the wrong times! I am Josh, and I think I am comfortable with that.

  It was a great blessing to be called upon to help.