Behave!

  I feel kind of bad about my last post. I was pretty harsh on my dad. Sorry Pops. Let me set out a couple more things and lighten the mood.

  I want to dive further into the issue of misbehavior. (Way to lighten it up right away!)

  What to do with misbehaving kids has plagued humanity since the beginning. We see plenty of examples of every philosophy working. Some say just simply love/accept and the kid comes out just fine (and sometimes they do). Others say discipline is needed to promote good behavior.

  I am not advocating either. I think both are true. What I want to expose is motive. Often what motivates discipline or gentleness is annoyance. To the disciplinarian, bad behavior is annoying and must be punished. To the more pascifist, punishment seems mean (ie annoying) and should be avoided.

  So, my dad did what he could do with what he was taught. And I think he tried to do it with love. 

  The point I am struggling to drive across is the desperate need for a child to never fear being left or forsaken. Those fears plagued me. I could pretend to do well, but then I would stumble again. My stumbling always drove a wedge between my dad and I.

  Here is one practical idea that may have helped. Let's paint a simple picture.

  I wanted to do things my way and was extremely lazy. Dad figured that I shouldn't be allowed to freeload and invited me to leave home. This seems very logical to me.

  However, why not meet up once in a while and go out for coffee? That cheeseburger and chocolate shake sounds good. How about a movie? Maybe a hike somewhere?

  My performance as a son should not affect our relationship. The motivation behind spending time together is not about rewards, its about love. Its simply about spending time together and not dwelling on the gunk.

  With all that being said, dad and I are forging a new relationship. We routinely get together for breakfast and visit. We have lively debates about all sorts of things. Honestly, it hardly matters what we talk about, we are slowly becoming close.

  I have a dear friend in Wisconsin whom we will call John. John will like that very much seeing as that is his name. (Dead pan humor....love it!). John and his son are also working out their relationship. His son is very close to my age. When I talk about my past relationship with my dad I can hear the heartache in John. He understands what I am saying, but he also understands my dad. There is so much pain.

  John and I allow each other to share our stories without the need to edit or censor. By giving each other that liberty we are helping heal each other. Its a strange process and I never would have imagined such a powerful friendship.

  There is no way of doing anything perfectly. My buddy John wants to do everything just right, my dad never wants to make mistakes, I never want to fail....but we all will mess it up. Will we still go hangout? Or will our failures dictate our relationship?