Bathrooms

  Some things you don't have to be taught. Take the first time you saw a toilet seat cover, nobody had to tell you what it was for. It seemed natural that there should be one. In fact now going to the bathroom in a place that doesn't have them almost seems barbaric. This isn't a blog about those blessed butt gaskets, its about some bathroom experiences.

  We had rented an small boat and went cruising around Big Bear Lake. The day was nice, the water was calm, and Jodi had an urge to go. I knew of these floating bathrooms at the far end of the lake so we motored over to them. A few minutes later she emerged a little distraught. Seems there was no gaskets. Worse yet, the seats were spring loaded to stay up, (Guess guys use them the most). She was trying to fabricate her own cover out of toilet paper but the seat would just fling it off! She had to hold the seats down to make it work. Horrible, just horrible.

  My brother in-law would use his shoe to flush the toilets he used. Just lift your foot and press. He really freaked me out! What about the poor next guy who went to flush? It would be like wiping your hands on the bathroom floor! I mentioned this to my brother in-law. He made me to observe how he had no idea what the last guy had done and was thus protecting himself. Genius!

  I regularly use truck stop restrooms. The big chain ones do a superb job keeping them clean. Yet there are a few things that people do in there that disturb me.

  One is the failure to wash. Some dude handles his junk then heads straight for the door. Whatever he touches is junkified! How much stuff in the store has that guy touched? What about the myriad of guys who didn't wash before him. Its a second hand dick store!

  Others leave racing stripes on the back of toilet seats. Yet others splash water everywhere when they wash there face. These aren't men...they are otters!

  My mom doesn't quite trust the gaskets. "The little germs could just chew right thru that thin paper", she once told me.

  When leaving, I started opening the bathroom door with the paper towels I had just used. Hand gasket, very nice!

Rest stops seldom offer paper towels anymore, choosing instead to blast the creepy crawlies off your hands and all over the walls and floor. I put a few paper towels in my pocket to use after visiting those facilities. I don't mind using air to dry my hands, but that doesn't protect them from the door handle on the way out.

  I wasn't always so fussy. Growing up I never thought about these things. What caused me to start? How did I, a roll in the mud, lose a bet and eat donkey turds little boy, start being concerned about germs?

  Your guess is as good as mine.

  One more story.

  I was in junior high. I went downtown to visit my moms ex boyfriends place. He lived in a studio apartment in a hipster building. He wasn't home. I felt the urge to turd purge. I wandered down into the old lobby area. It wasn't much of a lobby but I did notice the public restrooms. After having thus relieved myself I observed the lack of toilet paper. Duck waddling over to the other stalls failed to provide me with any paper. I panicked and looked at the sinks, no paper there either! What to do?!! I can't call out for help, that would be embarrassing!

  Leaving the toilet plugged up by my underwear made me chuckle. It had worked well. Oh sure, I tried to flush it, but that simply could not work. I felt bad for whoever had to unplug that toilet. I am sure it gave them a good story. I wondered if they would try and keep the place stocked better.

  The whole bathroom thing is messy. I like cleanliness and I like being sanitary. I just wish I didn't worry about it. Can't I just do what I do and not worry? Apparently not :)

  My brother in-law challenged me to say something funny in a public restroom. I have never gotten up the nerve to do it, but someday I simply must. Perhaps at a ball game. Those manly dudes would surely laugh. There are two things that could be said. You walk in, step up to the urinal, and say:

"So.....This is where all the dicks hang out!"
         Or
"Brrrr.....The water sure is cold today!"

  I like the first one best!