Judgemental

  I have come to accept that there are some hideously dark thoughts that I have. My tendency towards evil was brought to light just over three years ago. The revelation of my darkness created a chasm between me and some that I love. Some that I don't love too.

  There is a story in the Bible about Hosea. He was a prophet dude who was told to marry a harlet. She ran away from him many times to be with her lovers. After many years of this, she was worn out and her last lover sold her at auction. Hosea went and bought her back. I could almost feel his pain when he proclaimed that they could now be a family. The story draws to a close with us never finding out if his ransom truly redeemed her.

  There is an incredible video that is a modern day rendering of Hosea. Its called "The Hosea Love Story". No words are even spoken. If you didn't know the back story you wouldn't even know it was a Bible story. I hope you watch it. Its in the context of this video that I will write about next. Be sure and watch all the parts.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyWWXSwtPP0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

  My story is one of utter change. Not only in my actions but in my thoughts. Yet every once in a while a thought flashes across my mind and I am stunned at the darkness.

  As you may know, if you read this blog much, I am cagey about the specifics of my flaws. I feel that I would further hurt the people I hurt by writing publicly about the specifics. Its their story to tell not mine.

  That being said, I can tell you about my distant past and my current dark thought.

  I was very sexually active in my teenage years. It became a game to sleep with others. My exploits hurt many. To others it was just silly fun. Nevertheless, I became a dirtball and I kinda enjoyed it. That is the backdrop of my dark thought.

  Currently my wife is leaving me. I shared with my mom how I was worried that she might go and find another. Worse yet, she might find someone else who will hurt her.

  "What if she finds someone else? What if God asks me to wait for her? I hope she doesn't come back dirty."

  Yep.

  I know.

  That's what I said.

  King filthy over here is worried about his wife getting dirty.

  I am trapped in a vicious cycle. I deeply desire forgiveness and grace. I proclaim redemption and restoration. I champion the future and live with the past.

  But I also don't like thinking about forgiving others who have hurt me. They hurt me dammit! I have rights! How dare you do that to me!

  When I told my mom my thought she did a funny laugh and "whoa" all at the same time. Sort of a, "Well look at who thinks he is something now", laugh.

  Oh how quickly I fall back into the camp of people who judge others unrightly. I want to be a living sacrifice. Like someone said, "The trouble with living sacrifices is, they keep crawling off the altar".

  I wish I had never heard the story of Hosea. That video devastated me. I completely break down when he hugs her at the end. I don't really know if I am capable of such things. Yet I hope others are.