Insurance

  Its that time of year again, time to contemplate signing up for insurance. It is open enrollment season for my work! The excitement!

  Getting older has its benefits, who knew that I would be paying for them!

  For the first time in my life I have health insurance! I'm not very happy about getting it. Of course I realize that someday I will be needing it and signing up now makes it easier down the road, but I don't like being forced into buying something by my government. I will pay for it, even if I didn't get it. Somehow someone thinks this is being kind to me. Leave me alone. No really, give me back my money, I know how to use it better than you. Bug off.

  Maybe there could have been an opt out option. Maybe a form that states that I will never use the social services! Don't get me wrong, safety nets are nice, but we have a system of hammocks.

  Whatever.

  I do not much care for the insurance. Guess its a sign of maturity that I'm insured. Maybe its a good thing. Maybe the buttinskis have it right, insurance is good. I like buttoutskis better! Being insured is probably the smart move.

  If I ever get sick and need major medical care, please don't read this post to me! Just smile and show me where to sign for the next government handout, its the fashionable thing to do! If I get sick I never complained about this...ok?

  So, the same government that wages seemingly stupid wars is now requiring my compliance in getting insurance. War mongers running health care. This will end well!

  How did this become a political rant? It's just insurance Josh! Cough up the stupid money, grow up, and go about your life. Why the big deal?!

  It's because I'm a crybaby who doesn't like being told what to do. Also, I live in a country that said it wouldn't impose these things. Those traitors! Boohoo.....waaaahhhh!

  May the fleas from a thousand camels infest their bedroom.

  May I never become sick and have to eat these words. I will just pretend I never wrote them, just like they pretend the constitution..........

  Enough already!  End this dumb post! You're insured....it's good....get on with it.  :)

 

 
 
 

Foggy

  That time of year has come again, the fog! Usually it starts around Ellensburg and doesn't let up until after Moses Lake, but sometimes it extends all the way from Snoqualmie pass clear to Spokane.

  I suppose most don't like the fog. It makes your nerves rattle and your trip harder. I think that's why I like it! I am on high alert. Adrenaline.......oh how I love thee!

  When the fog starts freezing.....now that's when its really fun!

  I'm no sadist. I like driving in nice weather on a sunny day. But if you need to run at night, I prefer to mix it up with rough weather. Makes the drive go by faster. Also, you tend to not get drowsy!

  The freezing fog starts. The wipers start to clog up with ice. The defrost can't keep up. Your face is boiling from heat. All you can see is thru two small holes right above the defrost vents.

  Eventually you give up on the wipers figuring they aren't helping. Turns out they were, but now you can even get the windshield back to what it was mere moments ago.  You roll the window down to try and time the wipers to give them a "slap". That works! Then in a few miles they are clogged again.

  I am totally cut out to drive this truck. I have the perfect mixture of skill and stupidity! I'm just glad that I have this job. Sure I miss out on some things, but I feel blessed to do a job I enjoy.

  Bring it on old man winter!

The Wrestler

  So...here I am

  Within the next two weeks my ex will be remarried. Its frighteningly fast. I am scared for them. Too many recovery relationships get rushed into. They usually end horribly.

  But I am torn. I wrestle with two natures. Part of me wants to rant and rave. I want to dissect the reasons why what they are doing is fraught with peril. My other nature recognizes the redeeming nature of God. I believe God can do a wonderful work thru their marriage.

  So I have been struggling against myself today. Guess what......I won!

  I wrote a blog out that aired a lot of my grievances. I was gonna just post it. Throw it up on the page. I couldn't care less who's toes I stepped on. I am hurt and they should be too. But my group of friends have pointed me into a better path. I can still post that blog, but I need to describe my struggle. I need to demonstrate my belief in grace. I need to show you what I am wrestling with.

  The other blog will appear at the end of these beginning paragraphs. Unedited. Raw. Unnerving.

  I heard someone say, "Its hard to know when to smooth things over or die on the sword of truth". That is precisely my struggle.

  I have the power to curse and bless with the same tongue. I am going to attempt the impossible.....I will do both. It won't be easy. I am perhaps wrong for even trying. Here we go.....

One one hand......
  I don't like this new man in my ex's life. While they are engaged I hope he gets the hives. Maybe he gets struck mute and can't say the " I do". Maybe someone talks some sense into them and they slow down. Going fast into another relationship isn't healthy! Don't make the same mistakes many others have! Its dangerous! Get help now, its not too late!!!!

On the other......
  After the engagement is over, I will be praying for a different thing entirely. I will pray that God can redeem the mistakes that were made. I hope He can repair this rushed job. Maybe their relationship will be incredible. Maybe he will be the right man for the rest of her life. I will hope so.

  You see the two natures.....right?!!

  I don't know how to fix the dichotomy. I'm not sure it should be fixed! At the very least I need balance. Who struggles with this gunk?!! Am I a freak!

  I am so broken. Sure I have four years of sobriety, some great friends, and a good counselor, but I am a wreck! This cauldron of anger at what I perceive to be stubborn ignorance has got to stop. It is no longer my responsibility to guard her. She is free to decide bad things. I am free to express my anger over them.

  Man....I hurt so much over this.

  Someday my daughters may read this blog. Perhaps at that time this man will have been a great influence on them. Maybe he fulfilled something I couldn't. I hope that if they do read this they understand my struggle and aren't hurt at the unkind words. I am angry and this is a medium I express that in.

  However, if he didn't work out, maybe they read the parts where I am being rude and they relate. Maybe I get to play the "told you so" card.

  I'm hedging my bets!

  Just don't let what you read make you think I am always a resentful jerk. I'm only mostly always! Ha!

  Beware of what you will be reading. I purposefully didn't go and edit it. I want it to be authentic. I don't wish for it to hurt anybody. When they marry I hope I am completely wrong in my fears. I would hate to have another marriage fail.

  One more thing. The Bible speaks about marriage as a picture of Christ's love for us. Christ made the largest sacrifice of all to redeem us. I could not imagine dying for the people who curse and deny you. Yet he did.

  When they marry I hope they find that same resolve. May their sins never grow big enough for the other to lose hope. May any bitterness never get a foothold. May they love unconditionally. May theirs be a beautiful marriage. May the love of Christ guide their lives together.

   Now.....strap on a seat belt. I'm mean.....and it shows.

 

**************************************

  There are many reasons I write this blog. Sometimes it is to express milestones, sometimes to express deep feelings, sometimes humor, sometimes nuttiness.....etc.

  I derive great pleasure being able to scroll back and read things I have written before. Some of those things make me cringe! I'm not much of a writer and, if you combine that with my character flaws, I can come off as a complete moron.

  I like being a moron.

  I like giving up pretenses and letting it all hang out. Rawness and reality are awesome places to live. I try and visit often.

  I am beginning this blog with those disclaimers because what I want to write is volatile. Its disruptive. But I feel like I must write!

  Let's start. Make sure you read the ending!!!!!!

  King David

  No, I'm not writing about the old testament King who conquered nations while stealing a soldiers wife, I'm talking about a modern David who stole my wife.

  Come on Josh! That's ridiculous. You screwed up your life and she left you. This man has nothing to do with that. Get over it jerk!

  Yup, I did many horrible things. I will own all of them. So relax, I know the majority of this is my fault, but I will still complain about king Davids part as well.

Dear king David,

  You did it! Congratulations you old rascal! She divorced her husband, while you divorced your wife. Good job!

  A couple of weeks after her divorce was final you proposed. She accepted! Awesome!

  Two months after her divorce you will be married. Shut my mouth! You are so great at this!

...................Too far yet?...................nah, I'm just getting started.............

Last year you spent Christmas with YOUR wife and kids. January you announce the divorce. Its October and you are remarrying! Way to be! You get a new family this Christmas, its a Christmas miracle!

  Dude, if you had romantic notions about MY wife before YOUR divorce.....slap my knee.....that's spectacular!

  Enough joking

  Listen king David, you and I know some of the same people. They know how you treated your wife. You are a strong armed bully. You won't be able to pretend forever. The fact is that you pushed MY wife to divorce fast, get engaged fast, and marry fast. Fast and recovery don't mix well. They don't mix at all. You are a bully for rushing things.

  I know of no credible recovery group that would sanction what you are doing. The most prevalent group (Divorce Care) makes this especially clear. You are choosing to refuse sound counsel and go it alone.

  You may feel that your recovery group is sanctioning your relationship and that makes it ok. The group you have at your church was started by pushing out an established recovery group. You spearheaded that effort. I was part of that group. You formed a coup and kicked us out. You bullied a dear friend of mine into giving up our meeting time. I propose that your recovery group has its own issues, starting with how it started.

  I know the feelings you have. You thought you would be unlovable and that life was passing you by. Then you spotted a beauty. A broken beauty. Who wouldn't want to help? You would be cruel if you didn't. But, she wasn't your beauty. You were wrong to even talk with her. Men shouldn't try and help wounded beauties. They end up in adultery. If you had any "thoughts" about MY wife before her divorce....its adultery you are doing. Its not divorce and remarriage.

  You started dating her before all this took place. Didn't you? At the very least, you flirted and got cozy. Right?

  So, you are playing a good hand. You see the other players and know what the next move is. You saw the weakness of my hand and raised. She was impressed and figured you could be her hero.

  But you are a conman. You have them all bamboozled. When I discovered what you were up to it resonated with me. I was just like you.

  You weren't sent by God to her. You are not a good man. You aren't even honorable enough to admit to influencing her decision to divorce!

  I hurt my wife and we separated. But we started working things out. We started to reconcile. Forgiveness and reconciliation were happening! We were going to take things SLOW. Were you part of the group that helped influence her to leave?

  How far back does this con go king David? Honestly?

  Now, with all that gunk out, let me close this positively.

  Its clear you two will marry. You will experience struggles just like any normal couple would. You both profess to love God and like recovery. Fight for her heart David. When the hard times come, be a man and seek help. Don't let this marriage fail. Sure I don't like how it started, but now that it is started, do a good job of it. Be a good and kind husband. Invest in her. Don't control or manipulate, rather submit to each other in love.

  I really want to curse you David. I didn't write down all the ways that I despise you. Someday we will meet again. Its going to be awkward. Especially after all the names I called you! Ha!

Signing off, Josh

  How did I do? Was I mean enough? I want to be meaner. I really do! But I'm done folks. I have spent enough time grieving and worrying. They are going to be married shortly. Its no longer my concern.

  My job is to stay the course in recovery. My job is to reach out to hurting men. My job is to be present at all times. Its Davids job to look out for her. As much as I think he is an asshole, I hope they succeed. It would suck to have invested so much deception and not get the reward.

OK, now I'm really done.

I am such a jerk sometimes.

************************************************

  How did I do? I can't believe I could be so nasty! Yet, there is another side that shows love and forgiveness.

  I wrestle with myself. Don't you wrestle with yourself? Its the human condition.

Recurring dreams

  Seems that every time I interact with my ex I am in store for intense dreams that evening. The dreams always revolve around her leaving, my disbelief, an explanation of repentance, and a discussion about recovery. Last night was no different.

  She sent me an email, all she wanted was for me to start writing her checks in her maiden name. Didn't really phase me. Tho I did wonder how long until that changes again.

  Its the dreams I have afterwards that cause me to marvel. I figure that my subconscious mind is forging new connections. That's good! But the dreams are sad. I am left feeling unloved and unforgivable.

  It takes me a while to clear my mind in the morning. Feeling loved and lovable doesn't come cheaply. While many have chosen to love me in spite of my dark past, she could not.

  I think the dreams could offer up an indication of my healing. When the dreams stop the healing is completed. Sounds good to me! Its not very scientific and it likely isn't true, but when those dreams stop, my heart will finally be comforted entirely.

 

 

Oblivious

  I love writing about those moments where I don't quite get what's going on.  My inability to pick up on cues is staggering.  I am a social cripple! I present such a case:

  I arrive at a truck stop and settle in. A short while later, I notice that a coworker is going to park next to me. She appears stressed. She needs help backing her trailer in...... Uh oh!

  ("She" is a problem. Not this one in particular. All women. Well....most women. Here's the thing, I tend to sexualize female encounters. Rather, that's what I did for many years. These last four years I have been getting my black belt in situational awareness. Today I can treat women with respect! But, I had to become a dork to avoid certain situations. Dorking out, this will become key later in the story.)

  I hop out of my truck, pausing only to put on my superman cape, and help guide her into her spot. She is very grateful, explains how she is worn out from driving all day, and how nice it was to help her out.

  No problem. Glad to help. Have a pleasant night. I get back in my truck.

  My friends are playing online and I join in. We are all chatting and having fun. That's when I get a knock on my door.

  She's back!

  I then that I noticed her truck had moved. She mentions that the parking is better at the other end of the lot. There is a spot next to hers down there and perhaps I should move. Leaving in the morning would be much easier from those other spots.

  She's right. But I don't care. I'm comfortable right here. Besides, I want to get back to goofing off with my friends.

  She hands me a movie. Its a part two of some dumb movie I didn't care to see part one of. She says that she wanted to thank me and saw this movie. Figured I might like it.

  I'm like, "Nah, I got Netflix. It works just fine. Thank you for the kind thought. I gotta go. Have a nice evening."

  I left her holding some snacks, movie in hand, wanting to thank me.

  Now, at the moment all I could think about was getting back and hanging with my friends. At the moment, my phone was blowing up with text messages wondering what was going on. (My friends had heard a females voice and then I went silent). I wasn't aware of the texts yet. I was still outside.

  After her and I parted ways I noticed all my texts. My friends were really worried. They thought a lot lizard had grabbed my attention! I had a good laugh as I told them it was just a coworker.

  Then it hit me!

  I think she wanted some company watching the movie! I remember how strange she looked at me when I said I had Netflix! Netflix doesn't have ME ya big dork!

  Oh well.

  I have practiced the art of not flirting for years now. I am really slow to the draw! I'm glad I am.

  Right now I am on a quest to find myself. Sure a night of passionate popcorn eating might be fun, but it would wound me. I'm not looking to start anything with any women.

  But how funny is it that I couldn't even pick up the clues! "I have Netflix!"

  Oblivious dork! I love it!