The Wrestler

  So...here I am

  Within the next two weeks my ex will be remarried. Its frighteningly fast. I am scared for them. Too many recovery relationships get rushed into. They usually end horribly.

  But I am torn. I wrestle with two natures. Part of me wants to rant and rave. I want to dissect the reasons why what they are doing is fraught with peril. My other nature recognizes the redeeming nature of God. I believe God can do a wonderful work thru their marriage.

  So I have been struggling against myself today. Guess what......I won!

  I wrote a blog out that aired a lot of my grievances. I was gonna just post it. Throw it up on the page. I couldn't care less who's toes I stepped on. I am hurt and they should be too. But my group of friends have pointed me into a better path. I can still post that blog, but I need to describe my struggle. I need to demonstrate my belief in grace. I need to show you what I am wrestling with.

  The other blog will appear at the end of these beginning paragraphs. Unedited. Raw. Unnerving.

  I heard someone say, "Its hard to know when to smooth things over or die on the sword of truth". That is precisely my struggle.

  I have the power to curse and bless with the same tongue. I am going to attempt the impossible.....I will do both. It won't be easy. I am perhaps wrong for even trying. Here we go.....

One one hand......
  I don't like this new man in my ex's life. While they are engaged I hope he gets the hives. Maybe he gets struck mute and can't say the " I do". Maybe someone talks some sense into them and they slow down. Going fast into another relationship isn't healthy! Don't make the same mistakes many others have! Its dangerous! Get help now, its not too late!!!!

On the other......
  After the engagement is over, I will be praying for a different thing entirely. I will pray that God can redeem the mistakes that were made. I hope He can repair this rushed job. Maybe their relationship will be incredible. Maybe he will be the right man for the rest of her life. I will hope so.

  You see the two natures.....right?!!

  I don't know how to fix the dichotomy. I'm not sure it should be fixed! At the very least I need balance. Who struggles with this gunk?!! Am I a freak!

  I am so broken. Sure I have four years of sobriety, some great friends, and a good counselor, but I am a wreck! This cauldron of anger at what I perceive to be stubborn ignorance has got to stop. It is no longer my responsibility to guard her. She is free to decide bad things. I am free to express my anger over them.

  Man....I hurt so much over this.

  Someday my daughters may read this blog. Perhaps at that time this man will have been a great influence on them. Maybe he fulfilled something I couldn't. I hope that if they do read this they understand my struggle and aren't hurt at the unkind words. I am angry and this is a medium I express that in.

  However, if he didn't work out, maybe they read the parts where I am being rude and they relate. Maybe I get to play the "told you so" card.

  I'm hedging my bets!

  Just don't let what you read make you think I am always a resentful jerk. I'm only mostly always! Ha!

  Beware of what you will be reading. I purposefully didn't go and edit it. I want it to be authentic. I don't wish for it to hurt anybody. When they marry I hope I am completely wrong in my fears. I would hate to have another marriage fail.

  One more thing. The Bible speaks about marriage as a picture of Christ's love for us. Christ made the largest sacrifice of all to redeem us. I could not imagine dying for the people who curse and deny you. Yet he did.

  When they marry I hope they find that same resolve. May their sins never grow big enough for the other to lose hope. May any bitterness never get a foothold. May they love unconditionally. May theirs be a beautiful marriage. May the love of Christ guide their lives together.

   Now.....strap on a seat belt. I'm mean.....and it shows.

 

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  There are many reasons I write this blog. Sometimes it is to express milestones, sometimes to express deep feelings, sometimes humor, sometimes nuttiness.....etc.

  I derive great pleasure being able to scroll back and read things I have written before. Some of those things make me cringe! I'm not much of a writer and, if you combine that with my character flaws, I can come off as a complete moron.

  I like being a moron.

  I like giving up pretenses and letting it all hang out. Rawness and reality are awesome places to live. I try and visit often.

  I am beginning this blog with those disclaimers because what I want to write is volatile. Its disruptive. But I feel like I must write!

  Let's start. Make sure you read the ending!!!!!!

  King David

  No, I'm not writing about the old testament King who conquered nations while stealing a soldiers wife, I'm talking about a modern David who stole my wife.

  Come on Josh! That's ridiculous. You screwed up your life and she left you. This man has nothing to do with that. Get over it jerk!

  Yup, I did many horrible things. I will own all of them. So relax, I know the majority of this is my fault, but I will still complain about king Davids part as well.

Dear king David,

  You did it! Congratulations you old rascal! She divorced her husband, while you divorced your wife. Good job!

  A couple of weeks after her divorce was final you proposed. She accepted! Awesome!

  Two months after her divorce you will be married. Shut my mouth! You are so great at this!

...................Too far yet?...................nah, I'm just getting started.............

Last year you spent Christmas with YOUR wife and kids. January you announce the divorce. Its October and you are remarrying! Way to be! You get a new family this Christmas, its a Christmas miracle!

  Dude, if you had romantic notions about MY wife before YOUR divorce.....slap my knee.....that's spectacular!

  Enough joking

  Listen king David, you and I know some of the same people. They know how you treated your wife. You are a strong armed bully. You won't be able to pretend forever. The fact is that you pushed MY wife to divorce fast, get engaged fast, and marry fast. Fast and recovery don't mix well. They don't mix at all. You are a bully for rushing things.

  I know of no credible recovery group that would sanction what you are doing. The most prevalent group (Divorce Care) makes this especially clear. You are choosing to refuse sound counsel and go it alone.

  You may feel that your recovery group is sanctioning your relationship and that makes it ok. The group you have at your church was started by pushing out an established recovery group. You spearheaded that effort. I was part of that group. You formed a coup and kicked us out. You bullied a dear friend of mine into giving up our meeting time. I propose that your recovery group has its own issues, starting with how it started.

  I know the feelings you have. You thought you would be unlovable and that life was passing you by. Then you spotted a beauty. A broken beauty. Who wouldn't want to help? You would be cruel if you didn't. But, she wasn't your beauty. You were wrong to even talk with her. Men shouldn't try and help wounded beauties. They end up in adultery. If you had any "thoughts" about MY wife before her divorce....its adultery you are doing. Its not divorce and remarriage.

  You started dating her before all this took place. Didn't you? At the very least, you flirted and got cozy. Right?

  So, you are playing a good hand. You see the other players and know what the next move is. You saw the weakness of my hand and raised. She was impressed and figured you could be her hero.

  But you are a conman. You have them all bamboozled. When I discovered what you were up to it resonated with me. I was just like you.

  You weren't sent by God to her. You are not a good man. You aren't even honorable enough to admit to influencing her decision to divorce!

  I hurt my wife and we separated. But we started working things out. We started to reconcile. Forgiveness and reconciliation were happening! We were going to take things SLOW. Were you part of the group that helped influence her to leave?

  How far back does this con go king David? Honestly?

  Now, with all that gunk out, let me close this positively.

  Its clear you two will marry. You will experience struggles just like any normal couple would. You both profess to love God and like recovery. Fight for her heart David. When the hard times come, be a man and seek help. Don't let this marriage fail. Sure I don't like how it started, but now that it is started, do a good job of it. Be a good and kind husband. Invest in her. Don't control or manipulate, rather submit to each other in love.

  I really want to curse you David. I didn't write down all the ways that I despise you. Someday we will meet again. Its going to be awkward. Especially after all the names I called you! Ha!

Signing off, Josh

  How did I do? Was I mean enough? I want to be meaner. I really do! But I'm done folks. I have spent enough time grieving and worrying. They are going to be married shortly. Its no longer my concern.

  My job is to stay the course in recovery. My job is to reach out to hurting men. My job is to be present at all times. Its Davids job to look out for her. As much as I think he is an asshole, I hope they succeed. It would suck to have invested so much deception and not get the reward.

OK, now I'm really done.

I am such a jerk sometimes.

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  How did I do? I can't believe I could be so nasty! Yet, there is another side that shows love and forgiveness.

  I wrestle with myself. Don't you wrestle with yourself? Its the human condition.