Misogyny

  I always kinda figured I was somewhat misogynistic. Growing up I never could relate to females and I figured they were just impossible to know. As my body matured into a man, my mind remained juvenile. Never trying to explore this reality, I objectified women.

  I just finished reading the definition of misogyny. Primarily it is defined as hatred of women. Now I'm not so sure I was misogynistic. Sure, pornography can be viewed as hatred towards women. Objectifying women can be taken as hateful. But I still reject the idea that I hated them.

  And now I attempt to explain why without having a hail of verbal gunfire head my way.

  I simply wasn't capable of properly talking with women. It didn't draw from a deep seated hatred or resentment, I was just an awkward goof. Heck, I'm not even sure if I had anything worthwhile to talk about. If I did I didn't know how.

  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't blame women and I never have. My emotional capabilities were stuck somewhere in the stone ages. Eating and having sex seemed like a pleasant enough future.

  I wasn't even capable of sharing with a woman that all I wanted was sex. Instead I would try and lure them in with promises of friendship and devotion, only to be turned away after a short while. It was brutal. The times I did share that all I wanted was sex, I got the sex, but I felt queasy about it.

  My wife married that freak. That selfish and confused little boy tried to play house. What a mess that became!

  My wife read all the, "Be nicer to your husband so he won't be such an ass", books put out by the christian women. I'm sure there are witch's who need to hear that, my wife didn't. She needed something more like, "Don't put up with his bull, go seek help".

  But few people will seek the help. The shame about what was going on, the despair of hope, conspire to make one isolated.

  My poor wife. We began with such promise. A small wedding by the pastor who had counseled us, and a desire to raise our kids in a godly household, all came crashing down upon the rocks of addictions.

  I am infinitely more capable of being real today. I carefully dissect emotions and ways to express them. I allow for others to share theirs. Women are no longer simply sexual objects, they are vibrant and intelligent.

  I have two therapists. Both are female. Both are well thought out and quite articulate. They have insights into life I could have never dreamed even existed. I am a blessed man to have been given an opportunity at emotional growth.

  My hairy knuckled pursuit of zaftig women in peril is on hold. I need to become an emotionally mature man first. Confidence is not maturity.