Sister visiting

  Dad has liver cancer. I had no idea the diverse emotional challenges that could present. The latest one to present would be my sister wanting to visit him this summer. I shiver at the thought.

  I spoke with him about this last week. Not the shivering part, the part about her wanting to visit! I offered to pay half her way and let her have use of my car while she was in town. He grumbled a bit about seeing if he could afford it and said he would get back to me. He likes the idea of her coming, grumbling notwithstanding.

  In the interim week I have thought some more about it. I have lots of concerns for my sister visiting. Would my dads money make him feel entitled to critique her life? Will she be comfortable staying with him? Will she regress into the neglected little girl? Heavy stuff.

  He called me yesterday and asked if he could talk to her about visiting. He wants to work out the details with her. I was somewhat offended.

  I wanted to broker the deal. I wanted to deftly navigate the emotional quagmire of the past and clear a path for a great visit. I wanted to discuss with him how he could make her more comfortable. I wanted to carefully construct the "perfect visit" for her. Is she capable of visiting him and not being hurt?

  Oh man. Why do I get worked up in a lather over my dad? I have figured out how to relate to him. I know how to defend myself when talking to him. Defend myself!!!! Unpack that a bit.

      "Hey Josh, how are you and your dad getting along?"

      Great, I think he loves me, I know how to defend myself.

      "........"

      Why are you staring at me?

  Yep. As sad as it may seem, defending myself is something I had to learn in order to be aware of his love. The attacks I feel were sometimes just his way of trying to care. Also, part of becoming a man is sparring with dad.

  Back to my sis. I don't want her to have a difficult visit. I don't want her to feel trapped. Free time to relax when visiting family is important to me, so I wanted her to be able to go have fun in the city.

  It hit me yesterday that I don't have to rescue her. I offered to help financially. My car can be borrowed. What more am I responsible for? Nothing! Woohoo!

  A massive burden dropped off my shoulders. My sisters relationship with dad is not my issue. Not that I don't have concern, I just don't have ownership. I am set free from that.

  Its been a long journey out of codependency. Turns out that love allows others to experience pain. We can help process, we can help mediate, but we can't dictate.

The anxiety I felt about this is lifting. Maybe without all the anxiety and stress I can be present.