Picking at wounds

  Why is it in my life I like to scratch at my fresh wounds? I am often obsessed with picking at my scabs, not just in a figurative way.

  The real scabs I would receive from my adventures in childhood were lots of fun to pick at. Heck, I still do! My mom would tell me things like, "Stop picking at them, if you don't you will get scars". Boys love scars. Chicks dig them!

  This reminds me of that old elementary school joke. The one with the little girl eating corn flakes only to have her little brother ask if she had seen his scab collection he had misplaced.

  I need to stop being gross in these blogs. Everyone will stop reading them. Guess my humor is twisted!

  Back to the concept at hand.

  When wounded emotionaly or spiritualy, I tend to take a sadistic pleasure in picking at my wounds. I play the scenario over and over again. It is as if I enjoy revelling in the pain.

  This happens worst when I get into a depressive cycle. One of the hallmarks of depression is thinking only in absolutes. "Things will NEVER get better". "I ALWAYS mess up". "Never" and "Always" thinking is a sure sign that I am slipping into a funk. Then begins the picking of the scabs.

  What can be done about it? When I catch myself getting into thinking only in absolutes, I must remember that God is the only unchanging absolute. He never changes. His love for me is as full and bright today as it ever was in the past.

  The opposite of depression is called "manic". I am a somewhat depressive but not so much a manic. But I would like to throw in a thought about mania that I relate to.

  A sure sign of mania is thinking only in grandeous thoughts. "I will ALWAYS be doing this good". "I am the BEST". "Failure will NEVER happen again". Notice the similarity to depression? They are polar opposites, hence the term "Bi-polar". They used to be called manic depressives.

  I relate to mania and depression. I don't swing into the extreems that a bi-polar will, but I have the tendency to think great thoughts sometimes and horrible thoughts at others.

  Let me bring it back around to the scab picking. I tend to either pick at my wounds and think that healing won't happen OR I see my scars and think that I will never be wounded again. Neither are true.

  I hope this makes sense. I don't think I will ever be able to write in a way you can understand. Then again, I think I write better than anybody. Oh no, there I go again!

   I am going to eat a bowl of cornflakes and try and figure this out. I don't have a little brother, I should be fine.