Closure

  What comes into your mind when you think about closure? Do you imagine it being good or bad? Easy or difficult? Both at the same time?

  I suppose closure is mostly difficult. We would not be dwelling on it, if it were an easy thing. But determining if it is good or bad is not nearly as simple.

  Usually closure involves a dream dying. A dream that sometimes took a lifetime to achieve. This dreams passage can bring much grief. It is to this grief I want to speak.

  God sees our dreams. He knows our desires. Often He shares those very same hopes. But He doesn't get clouded by objects, rather He sees the people. The Temple is a good illustration.

  God's people had spent years building the Temple. This Temple was Davids biggest ambition. David was refused when he requested that God charter his goal of building the Temple. Although David was not allowed to build it, he saved up the materials that would one day build it. David devoted himself to this end, content that his son could do what he could not. 

  Then came Solomon, the wise guy. It was he who realised Davids dream of the temple. When finished, God came down and dwelt with the people. What a glorious day!

  The nation then yo-yoed between good and bad kings. The temple was destroyed and rebuilt numerous times. Finally the day came when God said that it was over.

  Jeremiah was devestated. He was so disturbed he wrote the book of Lamentations. He poured out his soul. The grief he had was beyond conception. He thought God was gone and that joy could not return. He was wrong.

  Sure, God had left the building. Gods next move was to join in His creation! Jesus came and dwelt among men. This took a while to happen but God knew what He was doing. The Temple was only a shadow of the glory that was coming. Oh if only Jeremiah could have known the great things God had in store! 

  Today the Temple isn't thought of in these terms. I am not sure anyone who visits there is truly aware that God once dwelt there. Instead we christians focus on Jesus who walked outside the Temple. This Temple has some value to us, but not nearly as much as Jesus does. We cannot conceive of God living in a building, when He dwells inside of us!

  Then, one day, the apostles had to say goodbye to Jesus. There was much grief. Jesus was to be crucified. How could this be? The apostles struggled thru this time only to have Jesus say that He was returning to the Father. What now? That's when they got the promise of the Holy Ghost! He will remain with us until the end. 

  How do I apply this today? Why am I bringing up closure? Let me describe some painful closure going on right now.

  I have just gotten off the phone with a wonderful woman (my momma). She is going through some closure in her life. It is so rough, I feel like writing the 2nd book of Lamentations. I wonder when Gods glory will be revealed. Will it happen quickly or slowly? I know it will happen.

  Does knowing that God is in control help? Not if you are His enemy! But to those who love the Lord, it can be comforting. He says that a bruised reed, He will not break.  A smoldering ember, He will not quench.

  Tonight I pray for my mom. I know she reads these letters. I wish I had the words that could comfort her. Heck, I wish I was a warrior and could go to battle for her. I really liked it when David had a show down with Goliath. Could I not be granted a dispensation to open up a can of whoop a** on the enemy! No? Well ok.

  Such is the way it goes. I must sit, watch, and pray for my mom as she traverses this rough time. She knows that God is beside her. She knows many people that love her and pray for her. She is not fighting alone.

  Godspeed to you mom. May Jesus draw you closer than ever before. May this day of closure bring with it new vistas of freedom.

Mom, I love you.   

Facing Jesus

  Isaiah 53:3  He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

  This verse is astounding. To be precise the entire chapter is astounding. But, for this blog, I will focus on this one verse.

  It disturbs me to think about how I rejected Jesus. I have also suffered some rejection and it has caused me to be painfully aware of what Jesus faced.

  Jesus did not face rejection because of his sin. He had none. But rather, He was rejected for others sins. Men despise the fact that they are not good enough and that God had to pay for their sins. They reject His payment.

  "Man of sorrows" is so very descriptive. Jesus' sorrow was tremendous. It literally came out of His pores. He wept for the people. They were blind just as I have been.

  This grief that is mentioned gives me another cause for pause. In my life I have had much grief. The pain of bearing my sin seems overwhelming at times. This same sin Jesus bore on the cross. No wonder He was full of grief.

  The verse also says that He was despised and we esteemed Him not. This statement should send chills down your spine. How many times have we not esteemed Him? How about His people? The bible clearly teaches that we are to esteem one another. How can we do that when we don't esteem Jesus. Or, how can we esteem Jesus and not esteem one another? It is quite the pickle.

  Perhaps if we remind ourselves that Jesus died on the cross because we were such great people. We have never failed. We, in fact, are all God wants us to be. Therefore, when others fail, clearly God wants us to push them aside. Surely God wouldn't expect us to sacrifice of ourselves for people who don't serve God as good as we do. God only expects us to love others who love us. Forget serving in a church where people aren't as holy as we are, God demands churchs to be perfect just like we are.

  Hey, don't freak out! If I was as good as you are I wouldn't be writing this! Many think that last paragraph was what I believe to be true. It was sarcasm. If it were true, why was Jesus a man of sorrows? He could have just found people like you and me, and been a man of joy.

  Hello? Anybody there?    

  Another point made by this verse is about hiding our face from Him. I am not sure I understand this statement. I assume it is talking about turning away from Him while He was being punished for our sins. The problem I have is, how can I help but turning away? How could I watch my saviour be crucified for what I did?

  Let me explain with a story from my life.

  At times I was not a good employee. Big shocker that is! On those occasions my boss had to pay for what I had done. If I failed to do my job correctly or even at all, it was my boss that had to pick up the tab. I was ashamed. At no point in my life have I ever wanted to go to the boss, look them in the eye, and take responsiblity. This, I think, is what the verse is talking about. I turn to Jesus and allow Him to pay for my failure and sin. 

  Please understand, it is extreemly hard to imagine watching Jesus pay the price. But the punishment is so great I don't want to pay it. In fact I can't. I simply can't afford to bankroll my sins and failures. I am bankrupt.

  By placing my sins upon Jesus, He has taken the shame away. I will always be guilty of the sins but I won't be ashamed. There is a huge difference.

  Jesus did not pat me on the back and say, "Oh well, you failed, it will be ok, let me fix that". No, He clearly showed me the enormous price that must be paid. It is very humbling to see someone else pay for something they shouldn't be paying for. I am tired of running up the bill.

  So that is what hiding my face from God means to me. I should "face" Him and say "Thank you".  I should never take lightly my own sin. My sin placed Him on the cross. I hope I can esteem Him better than I have. 

Tehachapi

  No, the title isn't an Indian curse word. Well, I don't think it is anyways!

  I decided to take a detour yesterday. It added only 4 miles to my drive but I completely missed having to drive thru LA. This detour took me across hwy 58 thru the Tehachapis. It was a day full of memories.

  First it was up and over the Tehachapis. When my wife and I first travelled thru that area she remarked that she would like to live there. I remember hoping that one day I could move her to a place she really would love to live. Sometimes we would travel in the area and see huge fields of California poppies.  Those flowers were so bright and vibrant. We were so young. Someday I hope to talk her into running thru a field of flowers in a cute dress. That would be a great memory to have.  

  I continued on into Kramer junction. It was there that I started liking the big trucks. The place sort of had a wild west, frontierie (wow what a word!) kind of a feel. The truckers, I imagined, were the last of the cowboys riding the lonely plains. Somehow lonely seemed inviting at the time. What was I thinking!

  My trip then turned south thru Adelanto and into Hesperia. I lived in Adelanto for a while in an apartment with my sister. I remember her getting a little upset with me when her son got all muddy playing in a puddle. Her son was just barely a tricycle motor. To be fair it was a disgusting puddle. If moms only knew the disgusting things that little boys will do. 

  This short cut across the dessert also reminded me of a journey to the bay area in my 1956 pickup that had no speedometer. I had lost a fanbelt in Kramer junction. Then got lost in the bay area. It was an epic journey. I will write it all out sometime.

  All told it was a very pleasant detour. My mind was bombarded with many great things.

  Sometimes lifes circumstances can get a bit rough. In this life God promises trials and temptation. When I have a chance to take a detour and encounter many great memories, today, I take it.
 

First Love

Here's a song about my first love.

Happy first birthday Neptune

  Neptune just turned one, a couple of weeks ago! True! The scientists who discovered Neptune, discovered it one year ago. Unbelievable? Well sure, if its a Earth year you were thinking of. What about a Neptunian year?

  Neptune orbits the sun about once every 165 Earth years. So Neptune is back in the same location where it was first discovered back in 1846. Hence, it just turned one.

  Kind of puts time in perspective huh? It stumped me at first also. I was like, "I learned all about Neptune growing up. What kind of crazy nuts-o thinks its only one year old?"

  I imagine that time, from Gods perspective, is kinda like this. I run around freaking out about time then this story pops up! Its all relative and God understands it all. Remarkable.

  So it turns out I am only 1/4 of a year old. Ahh to be young again!

  Up next I have to figure out my astrological information. It happens to be that Pluto was really important in figuring out my horoscope. No wonder my life has been so screwy. All my readings had Pluto as a planet. Having the wrong number of planets surely threw the calculations off a bit! Now I know my readings will be right! Yippie!

Prison

  Delivering to prisons is a strange thing. Yesterday I picked up a load from the Airway Heights prison. Then the load delivered over at the Monroe prison today. 

When I got out of my truck I made sure to leave my pens behind. What if I dropped one and an inmate found it and made it into a homemade knife!? I was apprehensive and cautious. Who knows the damage one wayward pen might cause.  

  The prisoners that loaded and unloaded the truck ended up being very nice. I am not sure what I was expecting but it sure wasn't that they would be so pleasant. I suppose that these inmates have done well in the system and likely have little time left.

  When they got the first pallet off the truck it was shrink wrapped. One of the prisoners reached in his pocket, pulled out a boxcutter razor, sliced off the plastic, and started unstacking the boxes. Guess he wouldn't have much use for a silly ole pen!

  I was surprised at how casual the whole thing actually is. They get lots of deliveries and it is not a different thing for them. For me it was the same as any other customer except they were prompt, courteous, and nice. So much for my preconceived notions.

  Heck, I never even had to drive through a security gate. I just had to speak into a box and the guard told me where to drive.

  There was a running track next to where I delivered. Around it quite a few inmates were running or walking. Certainly life for the prisoners is not all about exercise, but those guys doing laps seemed to be enjoying themselves. 

  I delivered a load to a prison in Texas once. It was a minimum security prison but was in the midst of 4 or 5 other prisons. A guard there pointed at one of the other prisons and exclaimed, "That's the max prison where we put people to death". He was very proud. He said there was a museum on site where you could see all the prison implements from the history of prisons in Texas. Wow, now that's a vacation destination! Hey kids try out this funny chair with all the wires!

  It was pleasant today. I took a walk down to a gazebo to smoke a cig. It was the only place on the grounds you were allowed to smoke. While I walked inmates drove by on lawnmowers and said good morning. They could have been anybody in Anywhere, USA just out mowing the grass.

  I have unwittingly thought of prisoners as horrible, heartless, and evil men. The men I saw today were not that way. Is it possible that these men have changed and will make it? I don't really know. Meeting them gave me hope and hope is what makes my life what it is today. I imagine that hope is a strong driving force in those mens lives as well.  

Rainbows

  I had a spectacular rainbow yesterday. It was right next to my truck!

  It had just finished raining and I was skimming along the fresh water on the roadway. The sun briefly made an apperance just off my left side. Then, in the mist created around the trailer, a rainbow showed up in my mirror!

  This may have been my first private rainbow. I am not sure anyone else saw it. Oh sure the people driving the other way might have, but thinking that would just spoil the magnitude of what I am trying to convey! I was mine, all mine! Neener neener neener.

  It was a great sight. I appreciate these little reminders of how awesome God truly is. I am surrounded by the evidence of His handiwork, all I need to do is look!

Despicable me

  I really like the movie Despicable Me. Tonight I watched it at my companies drop yard (in Bloomington, Ca). It was really strange.

  Most off the time the guys end up talking about all sorts of improper things and I end up leaving. Tonight, however, Despicable Me came on. The fellows ended up talking about their favorite cartoons from childhood. A couple of them even talked about watching that movie with their kids.

  There was a tough looking, grisled, dude who sat down and watched the entire movie. He, like me, was very touched by the message of the movie. I could see a little pain in his eyes. When the movie ended he hustled outside very quikly. If he is anything like me, seeing that ending really sucks when he thinks about what kind of a dad he has been.

  The conversation during the movie was unlike any other I have ever heard in a truckers lounge. I was eating it up. For a brief moment those men showed that they could be softer. Just a little glimpse into how real men can be.  

  As a man, I am expected to be tough. While I agree that men should be tough, I don't think I understood what being strong really is. It takes real men to be able to watch a cartoon together. Truly an amazing evening. I hope it happens again sometime.

Sleep and Gods will

  My sleep pattern has been jacked up for the last couple of days. I had to run through the evening when I left Spokane. Then run through the next night. Only to run through yet one more evening.

  I am very good at doing this. At no time did I get tired or dangerous. But, I just realised, I was not 100% when I got to the truck fire (see previous blog).

  I do feel a bit better now that I remembered all the circumstances I was under. I haven't yet found any articles on what happened, but I am slowly getting more comfortable with my reaction.

  A couple of people have written me and shared their support. I think most everyone finds themselves in situations that suprises them, causing them to second guess themselves.

  If I have to act quikly, with little planning, I always wonder if I could have done better. I, afterall, am only human, with all the bad that implies. I seek to do Gods perfect will, only to find that I continually fail. Things rarely happen the way I expect. And it is impossible to predict all things. It comforts me to know my own limitations.

  It seems God only requires from me the things He knows I can succeed at. My ability is stretched and tested by God. However, He only breaks my will when I am unwilling to serve Him. For this I am thankful.

  As with all things in life, I have more knowledge today about how to serve God. I was humbled deeply after this latest fire. The previous fire had caused me to be proud. I wish I wasn't so stubborn and could learn an easier way. Wouldn't that be nice!

Another fire

  I wrote about a house fire a couple of months ago. In the middle of the night I had come across a house that was just starting to burn. At that moment I decided I would help and was willing to go into the house if needed. Thankfully going in wasn't needed.

  Last night I was driving on a remote highway and saw some flashing lights just over the next hill. I had been seeing lightning flashing to the east and I assumed that was what I was seeing up ahead. Then I noticed a steady glow and flashing. Now I began to think there was a forest fire that had started from lightning. Strange thing was that the flashes kept coming. It was as if electricity was sparking but I could see no lightning.
  I was very close now. I started checking mile markers so I could call the fire department and give them an exact location. A car passing the other way was flashing their lights. The glow is becoming really big. Then I rounded the corner. 

   A tanker truck had driven off the road and was completely engulfed in flames. Huge billowing flames. Nobody was around. I parked on the road and tried to figure out what to do. Immediately there was a large explosion. My truck rocked a little, I felt the heat through the windows, and I came to the conclusion there was nothing I could do. I felt unsafe even being in my truck. 

  I drove until I got cell service (about a mile down the road). The 911 operator had gotten a call already but had no idea where the fire was at. I gave her the info. She asked what the four numbers on the truck were. I never even thought to check the hazmat numbers on the truck. Those four numbers would have been good to have. She said the fire deptartment was on the way and thanked me for calling.

  I never got out of my truck back at the scene. I surveyed the wreck and knew I couldn't get anywhere near it. I wish I had gotten out and tried.

  What if the driver had gotten out and was very hurt but okay? What if I could have helped? I can't remember seeing the cab through all the flame, maybe it was being the fire but not yet burned. What if the time it took emergency personnel to get there could have been the drivers last chance to survive? Maybe I was his only hope.

  I don't think there was anyway I could have gotten close to the wreck. I was 50 yards away, in my truck, and the heat was intense. Yet I am second guessing myself. I am somewhat defeated. Why didn't I get out and look? It was so scary when that explosion happened. I just grabbed gears and got out of there. I hope I did the right thing. I feel like a coward. If there was something I could have done, I failed. 

  I have asked God to help me be a hero. Not just in scenes like this but in every aspect of my life. I don't want to second guess anything. I want to be courageous. I want to be strong. At this moment I don't.

  I am going to check and see if there is a news story about it. I want to know what happened. I hope the driver was ok. If not, I hope my choices wouldn't have made a difference. I feel bad for even thinking this way. Why am I so messed up? I will write more when I find out.

The unwanted photo

  Here is a picture of my birthday cake (carrot with cream cheese frosting) and another with Willis, his wife, and me. I don't like the photo of me. I am fat! So fat! I should cut back on the cake! Oh well, fat and sober. Its okay I guess.

  Willis just celebrated his birthday. 26 years! He also just turned 90. He is an incredible man and an inspiration for me. He is yet another friend who has given me hope!

One year

  On the 6th of July I celebrated my independence day. On the 7th I got my coin at my home group. What an awesome experience! 

  There were 3 other birthdays shared that evening. A very close friend of mine had one year. Another friend took his 26 year coin. And yet another friend took 42 years.

  Let me talk about the fellow with the 42. The day after his 42nd birthday his brother died in his arms. He died from alcoholism on June 27th. While going through DT's his body forgot how to swallow and he simply choked to death.

  While I am so happy about my birthday, I was reminded just what I could look forward to if I went back to drinking. His brother had said, "I would rather die than not drink". He did. I would rather live.

  No one can say with 100% certainty I will live my entire life sober. Nobody said I should even try. They told me to do what has to be done today, cover the tasks in prayer, and leave the worrying to God. If I do that everyday, God will grant me a reprieve.

  God has blessed me with over a year sober now. I still  have plenty of wreckage that needs fixin. In someways I wish I could just jump ahead to the time when those things are fixed. In other ways I am aware that if I don't walk through the fixing process and get it all fixed, sometime in my future I may pay for it. I can only grow if I continue walking the path towards God. If I compromise and skip critical items, I will never have complete freedom.

  My desire is complete healing. I want those who love me to know I am a godly man. I don't want to fail them or myself. Only by Gods grace will this be possible. I serve a very gracious God. His Son suffered far more than I ever could.

  Thank you Lord for my year. I never thought I would be given such a gift.     

 

  

My new camel coin!

  Actually its only new to me. My sponsor carried it around and has had it for over 10 years. Last time I was in town I shared about wanting a camel pin and his wife was at the meeting. She remembered it and shared it with him. He was so gracious in passing this coin on to me.

  I don't see how it would be possible for me to give this coin away. I am completely humbled that he did. I don't think I am worthy of it. I am so grateful that he chose to give me this coin. Unbelievable.

  I like what the back of the coin says. I hope the picture is clear enough.

  The trick to the camel is that he can go a whole day without a drink. If a dumb animal can do it, God can help me do it also. Or, put another way, if God created an animal who can go a day without drinking, a dumb man like me can also! Yep. 

America

  The highways were empty tonight. Most people had gotten where they were going before I hit the road. It was a quiet night and I loved it.

  I saw many fireworks being launched. These were no professional displays, rather, they were done by individuals. They were magestic. In a small town (Dorris, Ca) they lit up the entire town! What a display!

  I thank God for this great land He has given mankind to enjoy. I take these freedoms for granted far too often. I seldom recognize just what a special gift this land is.

  So celebrate dear friends. Humbly thank God for providing such a wonderful place to live. Look around, God is magnificent. His handywork is on display. This countrys just one thing among many we have to give thanks for.

College home run derby

  I am watching this home run derby right now. I have never watched one before. These teenage guys can really hit!

  The pitcher seemed to be trying to pitch the ball just right so the hitter ca clobber the ball over the fences. Who did the young men chose to pitch for them? I was suprised to see their dads pitching to them.

  The announcers were talking about one of the hitters named Victor. His dad lives 15 hours away from where he goes to college. His dad routinely drives over to see his son play. Remarkable.

  I can imagine the pride and nervousness the dads must be feeling. They are attempting to throw the best pitches so their sons can knock them out of the park. I admire these dads.

  My daughters are going to their first ball game tomorrow. I regret not being able to go. I have an enormous pit in my soul.

  I am just now awakening to the greatness of sports. For years I was taught that sports were evil. They took you away from the Lord. While I think it is possible to make an idol of sports, there is nothing wrong with enjoying them.

  I dream of playing ball recreationaly with my family. When I met my wife we went and played basketball lots of times. Going and watching sports with the family is a good and healthy thing. It promotes love and communication.

  This home run derby is quite enjoyable. These young men are great! They have inspired me to be a better dad. I could just imagine the time spent in the back yard tossing the ball, at little league, and pizza parties afterwards.