Confidence

  Confidence is a hard word to think of. If you are thinking about confidence, it usually means you have lost some.

  You can lose confidence in your abilities. You may even lose confidence in your thoughts.

  Losing confidence in God can happen. You may be thinking that losing confidence in God is a horrible sin. Yet sometimes it happens. Usually I notice there is a failure on my part to cause me to lose faith in God. In fact, it rarely takes much for me to be aware how God never fails me, but rather, I blew it and thus had my lapse in confidence.

  Then there are people.

  I lose confidence in people when they fail to live up to their stated beliefs. In my arrogance, I seldom grant people the same forgiveness I expect from them. Nevertheless, an error on anothers part causes a break in my confidence in them.

  I also lose confidence when my personal anonymity is broken. There are very few people who I can trust with the deep dark problems in my life. The fact is that confidence in sharing those secrets with someone is one of the fundamental building blocks. Upon those blocks a lifetime of fellowship can be established.

  When my confidence has been broken, I no longer have the ability to share intimate details with the person. When this happens it causes a great deal of grief for me. I am not able to scrub out all the garbage on my own. 

  God has told me, in His word, that I am to share my faults with other christians. On a generic level this can and should happen with all believers I choose to worship with. They should be aware of the basic issues that I face so they can pray for me and help me. This causes the fellowship to grow, when we share our shortcomings. But these shortcomings have to be in general terms because the specific things shouldn't be shared in an open forum.

  Beyond the general things, there must come someone with whom I can share those intimate details. By the very nature of those items, I must find someone very trustworthy. Someone who may have had the same faults or at least is familiar with those faults would be ideal. Perhaps the most important thing is that there must be complete confidence.

  If I share my intimate hurts and pains with someone, who in turn goes and talks to others, confidence is lost. You see, only I have the right to share my story. If someone else shares my story, they are undermining my growth, and it can hurt when that happens.

  The ability to place my character defects into a friends care is a very important thing. Many people fail to grow and end up falling back into their problems because they failed to do a complete house cleaning. And for me that house cleaning has to involve a friend.

  I am sure there are those who would say that I could just give those things over to God and that would suffice. For others this may work. In my life this would not be enough. Yes, God is my confidence and my strength. However, there is greater freedom to be found in bearing my faults to a trusted friend. Pouring out my flaws to another helps me to process lifes issues more properly.

  I encourage you to become that friend to someone in your life. To share in a friends troubles is a great honor. One not to be taken lightly.

  If you haven't spoken about all the junk you have thought or done, maybe finding a trusted friend could help bring you to a closer walk with God. As you think about that, I am sure you are a bit worried about the whole confidence thing as well. Imagine the friendship that can be had, if someone knew your junk, and still loved you. 

  I am currently looking for my trusted friend. I have found a couple of candidates who could become very close brothers indeed. This is not a decision to be taken lightly. A friend who can be trusted with all of my past, is quite a friend.

  So this confidence thing is another thing I will strive towards. God says that we are comforted so that we can comfort others. I strive to be a comfort to those God puts in my life. And to those who become closer than a brother, that comfort should be incredible!

    

Memorial Day

Here's a video that I think expains a lot. Enjoy.

Odd day at the truck stop

  Today wasn't going to be that unusual for me. I had dropped my load off at 5 this morning and would be picking up another at 10 tonight.

  After delivering my load I headed for the nearest truck stop to spend my day relaxing and getting a little sleep before the next nights drive.

  At the truck stop I quikly fall asleep until around 11am. I get up have some lunch and figure out what I will do for the next 10 hours or so.

  I read from my bible. I am currently in the Chronicles. I admire David for what he did for the Lord. Yet, there are times I get amazed how bad he can blow it. So, he was a human guy, I like that about him. 

  I play some games on my phone. Spend a little time listening to the talking heads on the radio.

  So far a fairly typical day in a truck stop. Then I began to notice some unusual happenings.

  There were a few more fellows out of their trucks than usual. Normally you will see a couple guys talking for a bit but never as many as today. I went around the lot and saw more out talking. There was a dad throwing a foam football to his kid. There were people of all sorts of kinds out of their trucks. 

  This was an awesome sight to see. Today was Memorial Day and the truckers were relaxing together.

  This gives me hope thinking back on the day. I am a loner. Most truckers are. I am one who never fit in and never felt comfortable around crowds. Why be alone in a crowd when you can be truly alone and have no worries?

  I won't try and drag some deep spiritual revelation out of today. I was just pleased to see truckers getting out of the cab and talking. So often all I want to do is crawl inside and be alone. It was very refreshing and I think I may try it again.

  In a short while I will drive off towards Spokane. Most likely the road will be fairly empty. I will be a loner again cruising to the music grateful I get to be with people again when I get to Spokane.

Model rockets

  One summer while growing up I went to a summer day camp. This happened on one of our yearly pilgrimages to the Seattle area to visit family. These visits would be for two weeks and were always filled with great activities. 

  At this camp we did lots of cool things including one year building model rockets. We did lots of activities each year on the vacation, so I am not super sure that I am not mixing the day camp with another memory.

  Either way, one year we built these rockets. And by built them I mean by scratch. They gave us some papertowel tubes, some assorted types of paper, some instruction, a bit of glue, and (but of course) a rocket motor.

  Oh wow was it exciting! I had never seen a model rocket or even knew what one was or did. But I built it to spec and hoped for the best.

  I remember some of the other kids talking as if they were experienced in the activity. I recall them saying that they had built them before. Some even had rockets at home.

  At this moment in time I was still not quite sure what these rockets could do. I certainly didn't act like I didn't know, that would be embarassing. 

  After the build I remember looking at my rocket and thinking, "Well it looks sort of like a rocket, but not as cool as a model you could by at a hobby store". You see, I was only familiar with the glue together plastic things that looked like real things but had no real functionality.

  Then it was off to the field for the launch. I think my mom got to be there for the launch.

  They were setting up this pad with long rods sticking up vertically out of these round metal plates. I began to see the magic of what my little rocket actually was. They gave us a briefing on safety (like I listened) and demonstrated how to place the ignition cap in the motor. They showed us how the little straws we had taped to the side of the rocket would slide over the long rods and hold the rocket on the launching pad.

  I let a little bit of my ignorance show. I asked why the rods had to be so much longer than the rocket. They told me something like, "The rod guides the rocket for the first couple of feet so in can fly straight up". I most likely said that made sense and went back to quietly observing. But I then understood what was to come!

  A rocket was staged for launch. We all backed away.

  We counted down then fawoosh! The rocket belched smoke and took of like, well, like a rocket! I watched it ascend. Oh what a sight! I almost lost it (both the rocket and my mind). Then the smoke stopped and it started falling.

  It fell for what seemed like an eternity. Then pop, out came the parachute. I had forgotten about that feature! I watched its landing and was hooked.

  I don't remember my first launch. I may have been the first but I don't really know. It was inconceivable that I could even build something that did that.

  One of the counselors mentioned he had a muliple stage rocket that would go up so high you would completely lose sight of it. Then it would take a picture at the top!

  From that day one I wanted to fly these things. I never had the chance to again until many years later.

  I won't write about my later experiences right now. Let's just say that model rockets in a city park can surprise joggers. And, if you get one stuck in a tree, its handy to have a saw in the truck to cut off the branch with. Ahh good times!

  Learning about model rockets was so awesome! I was transfixed from that moment on.

  That first day of model rockets was a very special day. The counselors were great and the program was wonderful. I don't know if those people know how much that day meant to me. I sure hope I thanked them.

Mr. Nice Guy

Are you a good guy or gal? <------ Click to find out!

Regret

  There is a statement that was made to me that I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

  How could that be possible? Of course I wouldn't want to have done those bad things I did. If it were possible to change them, why wouldn't I?

  I suppose it is possible that my future life is so good that I will forget about the past. Not very likely.

  I think the only answer I have come up with is that God will have repaired all the damage, thus freeing me of the torment. As amazing as this sounds, I believe this to be true. 

  In an amazing way I know God can use me and my past to help others. I know that my story may help others to fix their lives. Maybe they also will be wondering about regret and their past.

  I believe someday that I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I believe in a complete healing from the Lord. I also believe that my future life will be far better than my past.    

  For now, I still regret the past. And with each day I find new things to regret. Will this end sometime soon? I want to curse and fight sometimes when I think of my past. Is this normal? Why am I so messed up?

  I get a little cynical on occasions. God has given me a sharp mind and I let it get the best of me. I sit and daydream about a future that I hope is possible, rather that do the things today that could bring that hope.

  I read in my Bible about King Josiah. He gave it all to the Lord. He held nothing back. He led the people to turn back to God and tear up all the idols. God even says his heart, soul and might was turned to God more than any other king.

Check it out in 2Kings 23:25

  His reward? He got to die and be with God thus not seeing the destruction of Judah that was coming. God was his reward. I expected God to bless everyone for turning back. I was expecting the story to end by God blessing them by not following thru on the judgement.

  Guess that's yet another reason why I am not God. Like I need to tell you that!

  I wish I could be like Josiah. I wish I could give my all for the Lord. I wish I had his courage. Sometimes I feel so weak and hopeless. 

  The Lord encourages me by telling me to focus on today. As the saying goes, "Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, All we have is today". 

  I don't want to look back a year from now and regret what I was doing today. No matter what may happen or what the future holds, I want to do what God asks.

No regrets. 

Language

  My wife and I had a friend that was bi-lingual. In fact he may have been able to speak three languages. I can't remember.

  I asked him if he was good enough to think in other languages. After thinking about it, he said yes. In fact he said he could think in english and spanish.

  Imagine that! I read in english. I speak in english. And I think in english. Would it be strange to think in another language? This guy could! Bizarre!

  Okay, let's say you were looking at an apple. Your brain says apple. But what if your brain said something else (I don't know the spanish word for apple). How cool would that be!

  For me, thinking in a foreign language seems impossible. I think that other people think in english then translate it into their language! They are fooling everyone! Just kidding!

  And what about babies? They have no language. Obviously they can't think! Ask any parent. Mine wonder if I can think even after I learned language!

  This "thinking language" idea has all sorts of practical uses for me as a christian. If I follow the logic of it, I begin to understand why unbelievers have such a difficult time with the gospel message.

  Perhaps if we spoke in the language that they think in, they could begin to have knowledge about God. If we were able to speak in a way that they understood, then the gospel can make sense.

  I am not talking about changing the gospel to something easier for them to believe in. I am talking about changing our "delivery" to something that, if they got it and believed it, we could be certain they were saved.

  Think about it. We christians generally speak a language most people can't hear. We use heavy words like; atonement, propitiation, prodigal, redeemer, consecration, sanctification, gospel, saved, lost. You get the idea!

  Or we swing the other way. We water the gospel down to something it is not. Ever heard these: Accept Jesus into your heart. There is a God shaped hole in your heart. God wants you to prosper. Just pray this prayer. Our church believes... on and on.

  Notice how those things don't really make much sense? Its like telling someone that Jesus loves them. They don't know why he would. They have never met the guy.

  So introduce them. Only one type of person ever comes to a saving knowledge of the Saviour, the person who knows they have sin in their life, that they will be judged for that sin, and God provided a payment in Jesus for those sins. Wow! That's simple!

  If a person knows they have sinned and will face judgement, then they can start to understand why Jesus had to die and rise again.

  Why else would you want to meet a guy who was alive around 2000 years ago? Cause he is a swell dude and loved you so much? Nope. That message is confusing.

  It is my attempt to try and understand the language someone else thinks in. I don't want to muddy the good news up by using terminology that is overbearing. I also don't want to muddy it up by telling people it is something that it isn't.

  The language everyone can think in is called "conscience". Help someone think about theirs. The conscience is a gift from God that he gave us. No other creature on earth has one. 

  Does this all make sense? I hope so.    

finding rest

Here is a song about the rest we will find waiting for us, if we trust in Jesus.

Help a brother with lust

  Suppose a man has a problem with lust. Where can this man find help. Does the church offer any help? Are there men he could call out to? Would they hate him more than he hates himself.

  He feels alone and trapped. He tries to comfort himself by thinking he is ok and that all men struggle with lust. He wants to be set free, yet he continues sinning, not knowing there is a solution. He has a low grade sexual fever or perhaps even a full blown sexual flu.

  Could God lead him to call on you? If he did what could you say? Would you just confuse him more by giving him platitudes he doesn't understand? Do you have hope you can share in a practical way? Has God shown you how to win a battle you thought couldn't be won? Would you show him?

  I am that man with spiritual sickness. Here is some of my story. This sucks to do, but here goes.

  Everywhere I went my eyes continually focused on feeding lust. In my mind, I mentally undressed many woman I found attractive. By continuing this for many years, I had honed my eyes and mind into lustful weapons.

   After becoming saved, I was told that I must no longer lust. I glanced around to see if there was any man who had won this battle. I found many men who quoted scripture. I even found men who condemned and judged men who were in this sin. I never found one that could help lead me out of it. I continued in sin.

  Where could I find the help I needed?

  Hey, maybe my friends could help! My friends, in fact, still practiced lust. We never spoke about lust being bad, or if we did, it was more like winking at it. Strike one!

  Hmm, maybe a "Godly" man could help. Did my pastor ever have a struggle with sexual purity? How should I know! He never said a word if he did. Strike two!

Oh, but wait, there is my dad. Surely he could come thru with some sage advice on victory over sexual sin. I wouldn't know it if he did. We also never talked about it. Strike three, you are outta there!

  Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold it right there! "Foul ball", I hear! "Really, no man ever talked about his victory over sexual sin?" Sorry guys! If you won the battle, you never spoke to me about it.

  Oh sure, you belted out words about sin and judgement, but did you share your story? Ya know, the story of hiding porn. Or wishing that cute lady in the office would flirt a bit. Or the other lady who did flirt a bit. Did the flirting go to far? Were you hoping it would go further?

  What about sex with your wife? No, I am not talking about details here. Did keeping your mind and eyes pure make your sex life better with your bride? Beyond anything you could dream up? I want to know why sex is more awesome in a Godly marriage. Did your pure eyes make your desire grow for your bride? 

  "Whoa there you little puke! How dare you bring this stuff up. Sex is dirty! You should not speak of such things. Its not right! Get over it!", said the man embarassed about sex.

  It stinks to think of all those wasted years. I never knew there was a way out. Honestly, I didn't know I wanted out. I thought more lust meant better sex.

  I want my eyes and mind to be pure. I want to desire my wife. I want to be ravished by her beauty. I want her to know that I only have eyes for her. I want her to worry that if she gets a little flirty or shows a little skin, I might attack her!

  If my desire for my wife wouldn't grow, why would I want to stop lusting? Lust stole that desire away. I wanted it back!

  Some well intentioned guy would say something stupid like, "Why would I go out for a hamburger, when I have steak at home?" 

  What's a man, struggling with lust, supposed to think of that statement? I know what I thought. I thought they were retarded at best.

  Was an explanation given as to why his wife was steak while strange women offered only hamburger? Nope. Seriously, not once! I couldn't figure it out. It was just another example of something I couldn't understand. Did I ask? Nope. Too embarassing. 

  I have gotten the answers now. The answers didn't come from any man I have met in person. They came from other Godly men writing about lust. It came from men writing about why sex is more awesome once they got delivered from lust. It came from those mens testimonies. They spoke of the terror of sin. They also spoke of the rewards of living holy. Yep, they told why the steak was so good. Now hamburger doesn't hold sway over their thoughts, but that steak sure does!

  I don't want to minimize what God can do. He can lift a person right out of sin and deliver instantly. Or, he can give the tools to start working on the problem and we recover more slowly.

  I wasn't delivered instantly. I thought everyone else had been. God has helped men, who in turn have helped me, win this battle.

  It takes a special courage to talk about struggles. It takes the same courage to talk about victories. This is a taboo subject for lots of guys and many guys want to never discuss it.

  In order for men to grow in the Lord its time for men who serve the Lord to open up. Stop hiding. You haven't always served God the way you should. Stop pretending you have. What happened? Were you scared and lonely? Did you do things you wish you could hide forever? How did you win the battle? Was it difficult? Was there someone to help?

  What about the Psalms of David. All of them. He bore his heart out in those Psalms. All our lives we can look in the Psalms and read about his failures and victories. He laid it all out. I weep for what he did and the victories in his life. What a man!

  I know God has given me freedom from lust. Without him it would never have been possible. He alone should be given all the glory for this victory.

  I want to make it clear that I won't win if I trust in men. Men can only show me how they did it. If God has given them a victory and they share it, I will gain even more understanding about how I can have victory as well. If I guard my eyes and heart, daily, God will continue granting me this victory.

An answer to prayer

  A friend called me this morning to tell me about an answered prayer. Only a couple of days ago, he was really upset with someone in his life. We talked about it for a while and came to the conclusion that praying for the individual would help. We read a verse about how to do it.

  We also set about memorizing the verse we read, in order to have that verse "at the ready" for future battles with other people.

  The verse we are memorizing is:

Matthew 5:44
But I say unto you,
Love your enemies,
Bless them that curse you,
do good to them that hate you,
and pray for them which despitefully use you,
and persecute you

  So God up and answers his prayer. Its like if we do what he says and love like he does, God promises us a joyful answer! Who woulda thunk it!

  I celebrate my friends answered prayer. I know that God has set him free from what seemed like an impossible situation.

  The future will hold more battles, undoubtedly. There will always be persons that we don't get along with. I implore myself to reach out to God today and stay walking with him daily.

  When I keep my eyes on the saviour, he has promised me a lifetime of love and companionship. He cares for me. Even in the smallest of matters, he demonstrates to me that he will take action.

  The most obvious thing that he has done is given me a new heart. Like the verse said, I have love for my enemies. Ok, not all the time. Its a work in progress over here!

  Crying out to him is commonplace in my life now. I stumble along bumping into people and problems along the way. He has laid out a perfectly staight path for me to journey on. I am sure from God's perspective its like watching me play pinball. Bouncing, always bouncing.

And yet, like a good father, he loves me anyways. He has promised to be by my side and talk to me even when I blow it big time. Oh what a great God we can know! Do you know him? I would love it if you also knew my heavenly father.

  He answers prayers. My friend just told me of one. Curiously, the prayer was anwered, even when my friend had been given peace and expected no change. It is as if God gave him comfort, then changed the situation, once my friend turned over his will to God.

  Will God always answer my prayers? Yep. Sometimes the answer is something I don't like. But he loves me and always decides on the best. I promise you this, when I meet God in the future, I will know he was always correct.

  The challenge for me has always been letting go and letting God. Someone told me to "let go or be dragged". Deep spiritual stuff!
 
  Thanks be to God who gives answers to prayer. Undeserving of any good things (I can find lots who will agree with that!), I am constantly aware just how truly awesome God is. He has made all things new and answered yet one more prayer in the life of a worthless yet redeemed sinner.

Oh praise the Lord! Praise him! Praise him! He is worthy to be praised. In my darkest hours he carries me. Thank you Lord!

El Kabong

  I am remembering how silly the old cartoons were. I loved them. El Kabong was one of those that I would watch every Sat morning.

  I thought at the time that cartoons were the leading edge of good tv. What else could possibly be as good as a funny cartoon after school? I never thought I would grow out of them. It was unthinkable.

  El Kabong was a superhero. He was a champion and he was a goof. Ok maybe superhero is a stretch!

  Like some superheros he switched identities. His normal identity was "Quick Draw McGraw". Then he would switch into El Kabong. With a, "Oooo Laayyy", he would swoop in and save the day by thumping the bad guys with his guitar. The sound would go "Kabong". Ahh sweet memories!

  I imagine my parents thought cartoons either caused brain damage or were created by people with brain damage. They were right! Woohoo!

  So here is a big Hurrah to those old cartoons. Perhaps you could go youtube some of your old favorites.

  Times were so much simpler then, weren't they? I could list so many that I had long forgotten. Yet, they live on in cyberspace.

  So kick back, open a Cactus Cooler (soft drink from southern California), get a bag of corn nuts, and relive some fond memories. You are never to old to enjoy them.

Memorizing

  I am attempting to memorize some verses from the bible.

  My wife has been faithful over the years to memorize bible verses. She has even memorized entire chapters. I was so proud of her when she would say them in church. I was amazed at her desire to learn those sections of the bible.

  I, however, never got into memorizing any verses. I felt a bit of shame when my wife and daughters would get up and share the verses they had learned. I was never there to be any sort of help learning them. I regret not doing what God so clearly wanted me to do.

  Will this be my legacy? Will I be the man who watches others learn and memorize the bible? Will I sit in shame as someone else does something for the Lord that I could be doing? So many questions I could ask.

  But no! This is not who I will be. I will try to be the man whom God has asked me to be. Will I fail? Often. But with God's help, I know He will lead me into the correct path and strengthen me for the journey.

  Here is where I make my stand. I have written the first verse down I am trying to memorize. I have a brother who is also memorizing the same verse. It is such a small step. It feels like I have just begun a powerful journey, a journey that is full of hope and dreams.

  Perhaps ,one day at a time, I will have some verses to be able ro recite. Oh I hope so!

 

Space Shuttle part 2

  I got some input from my mom about the trip to see the Shuttle land.

  Turns out that it was the first landing of the first Space Shuttle that I got to go see. And, I was taken out of school to go see it. Wow, I really was doing what little boys love to do!

  On the way back we went and saw Calico Ghost Town. I am not sure if I ever have been there again. But I remember the place very well.

  There was a room with a dude who stood on a small platform. It appeared like he was tilting in relation to the room. He gave some sort of speech about something. I don't know what he said. Maybe, he was a ghost! I get it now, he was a ghost and he couldn't speak things that could be remembered! As a kid I am sure I wondered where all the ghosts were in this "ghost" town.

  Outside, there was a gutter with water that flowed the wrong way. When I got back to Big Bear I tried to recreate this phenomena. By failing to pull it of, I told my friends that I had proven that water flowed the wrong way only when in Calico. They could only see it if they went there.

  Calico Ghost Town stuck with me for a very long time. When I later learned where it was I always wanted to return. I kick myself for not slowing myself down enough to make that possible.  

  I have been to Knott's berry farm and seen similar things. It is such a cool thing to remember when I went to Calico. I had no idea it happened on the same day I went and saw the landing.

  Now for something sad. Turns out, it wasn't my grandpa that took us that day. In my desire to have some good memories of him, I placed him in one that he wasn't even at. I won't go into a great deal about this right now. I plan on blogging about this in a future "Grandpas" blog.

  Thank you Mom and Dad for taking me to see the Shuttle land. There are very few times in life that we have a choice to do something so historical. I have a great memory to be thankful for. Thank you for making that choice. 

Space Shuttle

  The Space Shuttle began its life of flight when I was about 8-9 years old. This marvel of modern science has enamored me for most of my life. In fact, I don't think I can remember much prior to my first memories of the Shuttle. The Shuttle started flying about when the house in Big Bear finished getting built. I do have some memories of building the house that I will share some other time.  

  Sometime in the first couple of flights, we got to go see the Shuttle land at Edwards. I remember the military jets flying over the highway as we made the journey to see the landing. One screamed by so close, it was breathtaking. The drive seemed so long, but I kept an eagle eye out for the Shuttle. Somehow I had convinced myself it was going to land before we got there. Or maybe I could catch a glimpse of it flying around prior to the landing.

  This is my first memory of the Mojave desert. It was so massive. I remember not understanding what I was going to see or how far away the landing was. But the desert was full of beauty and for a moment this little boy was heading towards something little boys love to do.

  This is also one of two memories I have of my grandpa. I never really knew the guy. But this was one occasion where I can remember him playing a role. He had the pass to get us on base so we could see the landing. I can't really remember him being there. I just remember he played a part. 

  There was a huge volume of people there to watch the landing. I don't know if we had binoculars or a telescope. I just remember going around and looking in other peoples . I had so much anticipation, yet, I wasn't sure what to expect.

  Then came those sonic booms. I am sure there was an update given to the people about the Shuttle coming in. But I don't remember there being one. I just remember the booms. The booms were very strange to me. They sounded like an explosion yet there was no visible source for the noise.

  There were two escort planes that followed the shuttle in. But it was so far away. I could see the Shuttle easily. It was bright white against a dirty dry lake bed background. It seemed very surreal at the time.  I didn't yet know the complexity involved in making that wonderful machine go into space and land like a plane.

  It glided in for a picture perfect touch down. It was silky smooth. I remember wondering why it was so quiet when the jets were so noisy.

  I was trying to figure out why it didn't taxi off the runway. It just landed and parked right there. Didn't the pilots watch other planes land. They all begin to taxi to the terminal right after they land. I was dumbfounded.

  Then the whole thing fades away. The last memory I have is of the Shuttle sitting there. I don't know how long we stayed or if we watched it get towed away. 

  And now the program is over. Perhaps one day I will get to visit one in a museum. Maybe I can even get a look inside. If I get a chance to do that it would be awesome and I would jump at the opportunity.

  As I write this out, the second the the last Shuttle is flying. I hope there is a lot of fanfare when the final one (Atlantis) lands. I plan on following the final flight. It will be 135 missions with 133 successful landings.

  The generation before me got to enjoy the start of space exploration. I was hoping to be witness to another lunar landing. Perhaps with all this new camera and computer technology, faking another landing would be impossible to pull off. Hehe

  The history of space travel is still very young. I wonder what the future will hold. Will there be another exciting program to captivate the next youth? What could possibly top what has been done so far? Oh I hope that there is.

  For others the memories of the Shuttle bring them back to when the Shuttle Challenger blew up shortly after take off. The first teacher to go into space was the thing that was going to be special. Instead, millions of school kids watched the destruction live on TV at school. I wonder if they are thinking about that, now that the Shuttle is being retired.

  I am glad I don't share those same memories. The memory I have is one of great adventure. One of being in utter awe. A memory of joy. 

  It disturbs me a little to have this era close in my life. It is not a difficult thing. It just reminds me of a time when I was a child. Dreams could be obtained and even the sky wasn't the limit. 

Hair

  Should dudes have short hair and dudettes have long? Oh boy is this a contentious issue.

  I raise the issue because I am presently letting my hair grow out. I am not sure why, but it seems like something I want to do. And so I am.

   A funny thing happened though. When my wife saw my hair getting longer she said, "You need a haircut". In fact I think it may have been the first thing she said to me upon seeing me. Don't worry, I will cut it soon enough. Just not yet.

  Putting aside any issue of if you think I should cut my hair, let's dive into the morality of long hair on a dude. Hair and morality, I know, kind of a silly combination of words.

  For a great start, you are likely rushing over to the book of 1st Corinthians 11 to brush up on the verses dealing with the subject. We read in those verses the question, "Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame to him?".

  So here comes my battle. I don't think nature teaches that. I have never in my life went out and observed nature and thought, "Dudes should cut their hair". I know this seems like I am challenging scripture, but am I really? When have you looked at a lion and said, "wow, he is so tough, but his mane is a shame". I have never done that. I don't get it. Lions look goofy when they don't have manes. And men can get freaked out when they lose theirs.
 
  I really don't get it. Am I alone in this? Did you go out and observe nature and come to the belief that short hair on a dude is the correct way. Is Paul posing the question so that you may form your own answer?

  The other idea put forth in those verses deals with a man covering up his head when he goes to worship. I do feel strange wearing a hat while singing, praying or reading the Bible. So I don't do it. Is that what that verse means?

  Am I being contentious? Yep. Well now, that's a great attitude to have Josh. Is this topic so tough? Why? The same discussion isn't made about fingernail length. Why not? Clearly some people (mostly women) let their nails grow so long it hinders them of being of service to the Lord. Jump on that one! C'mon, I am trying to be funny here! Lighten up a bit and smile.

  But this isn't what my battle with hair is about. I can do battle in the scriptures and prove (at least to myself) that long hair can be ok for a dude. I can show where the very same author of the book of 1st Corinthians took the vow of the nazarene and that vow forbade a man to cut his hair. Then there is that last verse in 1Cor 11 that says that the church doesn't have any custom about this subject! Really! Seems like most I have gone into have set up that custom.

   Just like I talked about in my previous blog about dancing, I don't want to blindly follow opinions. "Opinions are like noses, they all smell".

  What's the point, I say!  Do I really need to get all bent up over hair. Why not just get a haircut and not worry about it? "But, I don't wanna cut my hair", Josh says while crossing his arms in a huff. Besides I want to grow it out now before there is no grass to mow, if you know what I mean. 

  I have no idea if I am blowing this way out of shape. Believe me when I say that this issue can get me spinning sideways. For some unknown reason I want to grow out my hair (the mowing thing might be it). This will change I am sure. But for now I want to grow it out.

  One more thing, I am so tired of judging others for how long or short their hair is. Of what importance is that to me? They must answer to God for their faith and what they believe. I must stop the battle on others and fight harder on the battle for what I do.

  Well, that felt good. Getting this off my mind was helpful. It was a bit hard to see what I was typing through my hair though. Just kidding.

Somedays

Interpretive dance

  I have been very curious over the years about this topic.

  I have always thought that interpretive dance was a strange thing to want to do. This goes back to the days of my youth when I first saw it. Upon first seeing it, I thought to myself, this is goofy and doesn't belong in church. Having set my opinion about the subject, I made it a heartfelt belief of mine.

  Years went by and I didn't think much about it. I had joined a church that also believed as I did. I even heard the pastor speak against it from the pulpit. His teaching helped set my opinion even more on the subject.

  Then recently my wife posted a video that had been filmed at our new church. Some would say, including me, that the video was showing interpretive dance. And it was beautiful. It demonstrated the life of a young christian who gets drawn away by her friends. Then Jesus helps her to win the battle. And all is well.

  So what am I to do? I have always struggled with this type of worship.

  In comes the Bible to the rescue. Surely it must have verses speaking to this. I mean, my pastor taught about it and I believed it, so surely I could rely on the Bible to offer great council on the subject.

  Nope! I can't find a single verse to support my belief. Horror of horrors! I had believed and taught something that I couldn't support scripturally. Wow, what a humbling experience! Not much of a shock though.

  In my readings I came across David dancing in front of the Lord. He was even in his under-roos! His wife is completely mad about it. She is telling David that he has brought shame to his house dancing the way he did by taking of his clothes. That story ends by David telling her that he did not dance for the people but rather for the Lord. And she went on to have no children because of this!  Tough stuff indeed.

  So I rush over to the book of 1st Opinions. (You know that book! The most quoted book in the Bible!) Well my opinion was still there but it seemed to be changing. Hmm, maybe 2nd Opinions is where the truth could be found. I have relied on 2nd Opinions so much in my life. How could it fail!  

  Let's face it. I don't want opinions about anything anymore. I want the truth. The truth is, this is a matter of the heart. Like most things we do, if our heart be pure, we may worship God freely.

  So there I am. I give up! So much of how I served the Lord relied on my personal opinions. NO MORE!! If you want to worship God thru dancing or singing in your own way or style who am I to be your judge.

  In fact, you might catch me dancing before the Lord. Who can help it! He has blessed me so much and has given me such great things to enjoy.

  I want to be pleasing to my Lord.

Shopping

  Today I went and got my groceries for the next two weeks. This normal activity, for most, creates a huge battlefield in my life.

  For starters, there is the obvious stuff. There are people crowding the aisles. The lines at the checkout are way too long. Food prices seem outrageous. Parking the truck causes its own headaches. And, I never know what it is I really want to buy.

  All those items I am sure you relate to. Including the parking the truck bit. Parking lots suck. I always forget to park by the cart return. If I park by the return, the car can get extra dings because of the carts. Then, if I park far away, I feel guilty for not feeling good about the extra walking I am doing (this fat guy could use some good walking).

  Let me share about the other problems I encounter when I walk into the grocery store.

  I eat the same stuff most of the time. I have a somewhat limited choice about what I can buy. I can't really buy uncooked food cause it doesn't store well in the truck. So my choices are limited to canned or frozen food. Wow, imagine the variety that affords!

  I did learn a little trick to being ok with this limited food choice. I rotate the food I will buy. So for a couple of weeks I will buy a bunch of some things. Then the next time, I will buy the other things. This seems like it wouldn't work very well. But it does. I only get tired of eating things every two weeks instead of daily. I am really tired of ramen though (how much can one man take!).

  This brings me to the people. At first I didn't notice why I would get agitated after being around those people. It takes only a few minutes and I start getting very uneasy. I start to become flustered and ready to bolt for the door.

  I have thought about the phenomena of my agitation and have found the problem. There are moms shopping for their families. There are dads picking up a few things on the way home. There are children trying to put sweets into the cart and the parents trying to put them back. You get the picture. The problem is, I used to dread going shopping. Now, I see the families doing this family thing and I wish I could participate.

  I was never aware how much shopping was a family activity. I am surrounded by people who are going about this tedious activity without even being aware of how richly blessed they are to be able to do it. I know I was never aware of the blessing of it.

  So today I dream about the future of shopping. I want to remember these painful days so I can be grateful. I want to grow in my spiritual life because of this awareness. When I get the privilege to shop for (or with) those I love I want to cherish it. I want to count this blessing while it is happening.

  I don't know when this battle will be won. I fight it like clockwork every two weeks. I do get small victories.  Here is an example, I have gone shopping with both of my parents. I didn't think about the other people and their families. Mine were present with me. And I totally enjoyed the company.  

  I am not trying to be a boo bear. I don't want you feeling all sorts of bad for me. Just remember in your own life, there are seemingly tedious things that you do for your family, and that it is a blessing to be able to do them. It is an expession of your love for them that you do these things (at least it should be).

  In the battle of shopping I have learned of the Lord. He has taught me to cherish and hold dear the very thing I used to not like. It is a blessing and a privilege to serve my family. I would even count it an honor and priviledge to hold my wife's purse for her while she tries on a dress (yikes really! You betcha). 
   
  So, my attitude about shopping is changing. I watch and learn. Most of all, I thank the Lord for showing me how wonderful the gift of a family to love and serve really is.

Forgiveness - Resentment

  There are many avenues of discussion I could go down when discussing forgiveness. The one I am choosing to go down today is specific to the area of my forgiving or being resentful to others.

  This area of my life has been lacking for most of my life. I tend to choose resentments much easier than forgiveness. It is much more my nature to harbor resentments.

  Actually I treat the resentment as a little pet. In fact with a little care and support these resentments grow into fine specimens, offering years of great pet love and loyalty.

  My mom tells me that hers grow and multiply like the Tribbles (I have no idea how to spell them) on Star Trek. Those little fellas were so cute, just like my resentments are when they start. Then they multiply. Or perhaps they grow freaky like Gremlins when you feed them after midnight.

  Gremlins never had a watch so I dunno how they knew when to flip out.

  Anyways, I know how to nurture and care for my resentments very well. Not too much coldness here, a little more gossip there, oops almost forgot to add a bit of judgement, and viola a fully mature resentment. Just look at how tasty the fruit is! Oh sure its not organic but have you ever laid eyes on such gorgeous produce.

  Let's have a taste shall we? Mmm tasty. Hey what are you doing feasting on my resentments! Get your own!

  So if God wants me to lay the axe of forgiveness to this horrible resentment tree, why is it so rough to do?

  I know the fruits of the Spirit. They are so wonderful. I didn't expect them to be so great.  I am set so free when I give someone the gift of forgiveness. It is really a blessing. Life is great and full when I yield to His will.

  He also says to forgive others as I have been forgiven. This isn't an easy thing to do. I say things like, "How can I forgive them when they might hurt me again?" Or, "They don't deserve forgiveness, the pain they caused doesn't warrant it."

  I am sure by now you have lots of ideas flashing thru your mind about how this forgiveness thing should work. There are many scriptures you could be thinking of. Perhaps you have some good story from your life about when those same scriptures brought you great joy and peace. I have similar experiences and I can remember those same verses.

  The point I want to drive home is that this is a real battle for me. People suck. I don't like them all the time. They hurt me sometimes. They say and do things that have the intention of causing me pain. Even when their motives are pure I can't guarantee I won't get bent out of shape over it.

  So I rage on. Yep. I don't want to. I just do. I would love to end this blog with some sort of creative phrase or thought that would make you think, "Well that's good, it will be alright then". It will be. God is helping.

Adventures

  I am the type of guy who has grown up needing entertainment all the time. This is an unfortunate quality to have. I am restless and discontent when I am not being entertained.
 
  I don't know how previous generations got by without all the anti-boredom stuff we now have. I remember back to a day when I was growing up and was almost never bored. Ok, maybe I do understand how they did it. I just lost it along the way.

  I used to go out into the fields behind the house and spend hours exploring. I could find unlimited joy in those small discoveries made in those fields.

  I remember one such occasion. There was a frog epedimic in Big Bear. These little guys were everywhere. They were tiny but very prolific. I got the great idea to put as many as I could into a spagetti jar (you remember the tall jar with the springy thingy lid). I took the jar to my mom to show her.

  She was very amused. No lecture about the little frogs on the bottom. Just a simple, "that's great, now go play with them somewhere else".

  I had collected the entire jar o' frogs from around the back and front yard. I set them free in the back yard. Curiously some didn't hop away when I let them go. They must really loved being around me to not want to run away like that!

  But seriously. How do I regain that youthful excitment about this world God has given me to enjoy? I think one of the ways is to be a parent and encourage the kids to be explorers the way we were as kids. We relive our adventures thru them. I don't think they have to be mean to little frogs. I just think that every kid has to be allowed to go on an adventure.

  I lost my adventuring spirit somewhere along the way. It got replaced with a false adventure. This false adventure brought me to my knees. Seeking unholy entertainment causes a bunch of unwanted grief.

  So how do I pick up the trail and find the adventure God wants me to have? 

  To start with, I can be content with such friends as I have. Seeking people to fill the missing adventure in my life is a fatal mistake. Those people are not the adventure, rather, they get to be on the adventure with me. I am to be full of gratitude that God has given me those friends.

  Let me speak a bit more plainly. Women are the pinnacle of God's creation. Of all things that He made women top the list. He truly saved the best for last.

  He also provided a way for a man to love a woman. I messed this all up. I thought that women were the adventure. They were not. The woman was to be a companion on the adventure. She was to have dreams and desires and I was to be her companion on her adventure. Partners in a great caper called life.

  Ok, enough of the talk about guys and gals. Let's get back to those frogs! Just kidding!

  I want to be enamored with God and His creation. Just to sit back in complete awe over what He made for me to enjoy. Such amazing beauty.

  I want to get lost in a stream. Or hike a mountain. Perhaps feel the sand on the beach. To feel the warmth of the sun on a brisk spring day. I get fired up just dwelling on such ideas.

  God has placed me on a new adventure. I was born twice in Riverside, Ca. With my new life the adventuresome spirit should not have passed away. I stopped adventuring and thought that spirit had died. Not so! He encourages His children to go forth, explore and be about the adventures.

  Exploring this adventure called life is so very pleasing to me. I thought that I had lost this feeling forever. Turns out I had buried it under years of sin and laziness. Now I burst forth with earnest expectation for the next chapter in life to unfold.

  Does this mean that I just know lifes adventures will be great and fun. Nope! I got lots of scrapes and cuts on those adventures as a kid. I expect to get some more as an adult. I want to go out and enjoy this life. And no amount of pain should stop me.

 

Traffic

  Wow, traffic is a battle for most drivers. Being terminaly unique, I suppose that traffic has to be worse for me. In some ways this is true but only because I drive a tractor trailer. Hurtling 80000 lbs thru swarming 4000 lb cars is exciting at times.

  It is a bit like watching water in a bath tub when you scoop a bucket of water out. There isn't a hole left behind. It fills in almost instantly. So, in traffic, my huge truck has more difficulty gaining speed. I leave a gap in front of the truck because of this lag time and also just for safety (you know the guys and gals who don't realize what my truck will do to them if I can't stop in time).

  However the gap is created it inevitably gets filled. So I back off more to create another safety barrier. The people behind me get upset that I am going slower and they jump around me, get in front, and start the process all over again. Hundreds of times a day.

  So what to do. I can try bumper enemas with these unsafe people. But if I have an accident the question asked will be if I left a safety gap.
 
  I could honk, curse and wave the one finger salute at the discourteous drivers. This, however, gets even more of them upset. And then they aren't driving unsafe because they are unaware. They are then driving unsafe because they actually want to be dangerous.

  Perhaps my best choice is to practice patience. I leave with plenty of time to get to where I am going. (Why should others change their behavior because I am lazy and won't leave early).

  Also my truck is a Peterbilt with lots of chrome. It looks cool. So if I slow my roll, keep my cool, and wear some shades, more people get the chance to marvel at how totally awesome my ride is.

  Ok that last bit was for thee sake o humour.

  But seriously, I don't want to be the guy driving all freaked out. I want to serve my God and be an example of that while I am driving. No, I don't expect these people to say, "wow, here is a courteous driver, I wonder what the gospel is all about". Get real right?

  But God observes the heart. My heart can get real dark real quik in the traffic.

  I am out here fighting this battle almost daily as I deliver my loads for the same people who cause me such grief.

  I guess it could be a metaphor for Gods love for us. He sacrificed himself for us. He does the job. And we cut Him off, flip Him off, and expect Him to just roll on.

  Maybe I will never be done inventing great ideas in my head for paying back these wayward drivers.

  Its a battle. I am certainly not always victorious.  

Worship

  I know the title "Worship" seems a little odd. I mean how can there be a battle over worshiping God when He has done so very much for me? Well, its like this:

  For years upon years I showed up to church and the worship leaders led worship. The situation for me was that I was there in body but not in heart. Now don't get me wrong, there were times when I could worship (and did), but there were also plenty of times when I could
and didn't.

  Freedom to worship is what I have heard it called. The concept carries with it the idea that I would not be able to enter into the worship properly if I have some latent sin present in my life.

  So what would happen is that I would begin to sing then my mind would rush over to this sin that I had not dealt with. Or, worse yet, I would be active in my sin the very same moment I was trying to sing! Boy did that stink big time. Oh sure I would continue singing. Perhaps I would throw out an Amen or two in the attempt to make myself look good to my wife or others who were present.

  It wasn't that I didn't believe what I was singing. Nor was it that I felt like I was somehow not worthy of God's love. I simply had placed my affections and desires ahead of the affections and desires God wanted me to have.

  Well today this was not so. I entered into worship correctly. I placed everything in my life in front of God. I asked Him if there was anything that I needed to address. Of course there were some. I didn't shy away. I took the correction.

  Then I sang to Him. In the midst of many tears I sang to my creator. He tells me in His word that He likes my singing. Today God liked my singing!  I want to scream that from the moutain tops! GOD LOVED TO HEAR ME SING TODAY! 

  The battle over worship was won today. Thank you Lord. 

Growing pains

This blog is an attempt to discuss my daily battles. I am not saying they are battles that are always big, just that they are things that are of interest to me. The battle rages on and I want to describe my daily skirmishes.