Gods will

  How can I know what the will of God is? Someone said, "Gods will can be found by always doing the next right thing". Sometimes this is a perplexing proposition.

  That being said, the quote actually works exceedingly well. The part that is missing is the part about the pain. It doesn't include my feelings. But feelings aren't the point, are they? Its faith. We walk by faith.

  You are likely wondering, "Why the cryptic language?"  I am in a changing situation right now. God, I believe, has led me towards a new job. I am going to be trucking around the Northwest now. I won't be driving into California anymore.

  So what?

  My Mom lives in California. I have developed a love for her that I had never known. This new job will eleminate the ability for me to drive by and see her. Pain ensues.

  So, is this Gods will? Should I take the new position in spite of the hurt I feel? Yes. I have been asking God to provide this new job. Many things I hope to achieve rely upon this new job. If its Gods will to happen this new job would be seen as the natural progression in my life.

  I prayed for it. I desired it. My dreams are tied up in it. Yet, when it happened I had regrets. Is this normal? How is it that I haven't perfected following God?

  So I battle on. I want to be found faithful. I must fight on.

The Seaplane

  In the summers of my youth we would visit family in Washington state. On one of these visits we took a plane ride around Seattle. It wasn't a plain ride.

  I think I remember it being a seaplane, I am fairly certain of this. Regardless, it was going to be exciting. The ride in a small plane, the beautiful views of the city, the thrill of conquest was in the air, and this little boy was ready.

  We filed into the small plane while the pilot finished performing his preflight. My mom was nervous and it showed.

  The pilot was an elderly man. Had to have been at least forty years old. Just kidding. He was a senior and perhaps looked a little frail. He had sat down and was struggling with his seat belt. I think he said something like, "I can never remember how this thing works!"

  My mom froze.

  How can this guy fly us around the city in this plane if he couldn't even fasten his seat belt? I, of course, thought nothing of the matter.

  We rocketed off into the sky and it was breathtaking. In fact, my mom couldn't breathe! We traced the city and enjoyed the views.  Once we landed her trauma was finally over.

  There is a lesson here for me. While I am panicking about the small details there might be others enjoying the view. I am sure the seatbelt thing was a ploy to help people relax. It sure worked for me!

Am I a hero?

  After listening to the testimony of Louie Zamperini I got some clarity in my life.

  I have been desirous of an event to happen, where I emerge a hero, so that I can hold my head up and know that other men do not think less of me. You see, my life as an alcoholic was filled with lies, deceit, and even criminality.

  People who survive through tramatic events and have a dramtic deliverance are heralded and lauded by the church and society. Can those who caused those horrible things also have the same outcome?

  I am not certain.

  This is where my struggle lies. It is a different thing entirely when someone has victory over self created problems. They are perhaps treated as though it was no victory. In fact, some may even wish that the victory came by some form of punishment.

  God doesn't operate this way. Sure men get punished for there wrong doing, and this is correct, but sometimes God heads straight for grace. This is most evident when one considers hell.

   Will people be able to celebrate my victory? I can't answer this. I have met people who won't. And I have met people who will. I have met people who believe that a victory cannot happen and maybe are praying that one won't.

  Let me sum up by repeating a question. Because my troubles were self-inflicted, will my deliverance be celebrated as much as someone whose problems weren't? In myself they will be.  

A Hero

  I just listened to a story about a WWII veteran who survived incredible odds. Louie Zamperini's plane went down in the ocean. He spent 47 days on the sea in a life raft. Then he spent over a year in a Japanese concentration camp. He returned home from war with Post Tramatic Stress that continued his problems. He eventually went and heard Billy Graham preach. He received salvation and his life began anew.

  This dramtic story has such a profound message that it conveys. This man even forgave the Japanese officer who punished him every day. Remarkable. Thank God for this man and his testimony.

A New Beginning

  I have started listening to Greg Lauries daily podcast. Its called "A New Beginning". He has been sharing about many topics of interest that I have. Perhaps the most powerful is his testimony. I will be trying to acquire the cd, dvd or book sometime soon. Gotta keep an eye out in the book stores for that.

  I am mentioning this because of the turmoil and grace I have in place in my own life. I am currently living through a chapter in my life that I desire to have finished. When will the new chapter start? I see the stage being erected for the next stage, yet I wonder when it will arrive and what it will be like.

  Its like I am stuck in this parenthetical place. I listen to the stories of Gods grace in these peoples lives and I rejoice. For them.

  Did I take the sin bridge past some unseen limit? Sure feels that way sometimes. I cripled myself. Am I unhealable? Through weary and tear filled eyes I ask God, "Of what use will this wretched man be?"

  I am assured by Gods holy word that redemtion is possible. He has expressed love towards me, and I know it. Gregs story is powerful. Can I have that same story written for me?

  I want desperatly to read the first few pages of the next chapter. Maybe a spoiler alert could sound and I could have a glimpse at the future. But alas, this is not meant to be. He is the author and finisher of our faith. I must stop trying to be the editor and accept His work. Its hard. I am struggling.

  God is working. Who am I that I should complain? He is the master craftsman. Perhaps yet He can make a vessel, fit for a Kings use, out of this muddy mess that I am.   

Laundry

  Today was a test of my laziness. I was down to the final two shirts and one pants. Why is pants plural? Well anyways, I had an opportunity at doing my laundry. Why is it so hard doing it? Its not like I had anything else I could be doing. Yet I don't like doing it. When I am done I am happy I did. For the next few days I am gratefull that I don't have any worries about running out of clothes. It doesn't make sense why I would drag my feet about doing laundry.

  So I sucked it up, acted like I should, and went at it. Its amazing how simple it is. I even hung up the clothes right away so there are no wrinkles. Like anyone cares if a trucker has wrinkly clothes.

  A small victory for Josh today. I saw something I should do and didn't procrastinate. I feel relieved having it done. Not to mention the shorts I now can wear. Oops I mentioned it.

Columbia river

  Yesterday I drove down the Columbia river gorge from Kenniwick Washington to Portland Oregon. As I was driving I took pause and noticed the beauty around.

  The drive is spectacular. It begins in a dry, high desert, environment and proceeds down into a luscious, rain foresty, environment.

  My memories of the area go back into my earliest memories. One of the memories was, as a small child we hiked a large rock on the north side of the river. It was terrific. The trail up clung onto the side of the rock and sometimes had breathtaking drops. My mom was so nervous. My uncle Aaron had plenty too laugh about. I haven't been back on the rock again. It stands there patiently awaiting my return.

  On the south side of the river is the renowned Multnomah falls. This magestic waterfall has many fellow falls that neighbor it. The hiking in the area is some of the best in the country. There are many waterfalls that can only be seen by hiking. The area is noted as being the largest concentration of high waterfalls in the world.

  My first visit seeing Multomah falls was quite memorable, only I didn't see it that way. We went near the bottom of the falls. There is a large pool of water that the upper falls drops into. We walked around the pool and right up to the roaring falls. It was frightening but exhilirating all at the same time.

  Many years went by before I returned to the falls of my youth. I visited there once as a teenager after going on "survival camp". That wasn't a great time at the falls but it was still lovely.

  About ten years ago I brought my wife and daughters there. We hiked around in awe of the beautiful falls. Before going there, I had told my wife about the pool and how you could walk right up and touch Multnomah. It was not so anymore.

  Sometime in those years they had fenced off the falls. They say its because a huge rock had fallen and it could be unsafe. Really, it was a conspiracy set up to rob me of that one experience. Jerks! Oh sure, they have a photo of a wedding party getting knocked around on the bridge by the huge wave created by the boulder. Still, someones pulling something funny.

  My family and I have been back many times. I have attended a family reunion there. I tried catching salmon in the streams with my brother in law (at the horror of the granola crunching fish lovers looking on). I have hiked into and seen many waterfalls. We even invented a way of saying hello in native treehugger. "Granola". Used the same way as "Aloha" is in Hawaii, "Granola" is the proper way of addressing the hiking tourist on the Multnomah trails. Well, maybe it won't catch on, but it is a fun thing too try!

  I love this area. The whole world is a beautiful creation of Gods. The waterfalls of the Columbia river gorge are a signature event of the creation. I highly suggest visiting there. Create some memories. Relive some older memories. Bask in the radiance of Gods majesty. 

Fatso

  I have been thinking about my weight lately. More to the point I am thinking about what I eat. I am doing to try and buy some healthy stuff when I get groceries next time I shop. Mini-chocolate donuts are my kryptonite.

  A few years ago my church had a weigh-off for fathers day. They marched the dads up and weighed them. The heaviest father won an award. For what? Who knows! Another fellow thought for sure he would outweigh me. No way! I had him by a few pounds. Embarassing? Should have been, but I won a prize!

  I am above average in height. And I carry my weight somewhat well. So, generally, I come across as heavy but not overweight. I even had someone lately tell me I was slightly overweight, not huge like I had said.

  When I was a wee lad, I saw a picture of my uncle. He was skinny in the picture. I only ever saw him overweight. One day, perhaps that day, I sat down on the toilet. My thighs smooshed out. I panicked! I went blubbering over to my mom, worried I would become fat like my uncle. She comforted me by telling me that my uncle had always been large. I told her about the photo. She laughed and told me that the picture was taken after he had been broke for a year and couldn't afford to eat. I was relieved. Well sort of! I was always a little leary of toilets after that!

  So here I am today. I carry my weight well and I don't look very fat. But I know the truth. It is time for me to stop being lazy and eat properly. Food has been a source of comfort for many moons. Will I succeed? I dunno. I want too. For today, I will eat well. Then try it again tomorrow. Hopefully the mini-chocolate donut brigade will leave me alone. Seems like every few days they gang up on me. Such subtle foe!

No more whining

  Stupid title. But what else could I use? I am picking up wine barrels and taking them into Washington.

  It is really a neat process. They are all hand made. Dudes with mallets beating the metal rings on. I had seen it done on tv. Like on Dirty Jobs. But this is so much different. These guys know what they are doing. And fast! Lemme tell ya!

  The "firing" is awesome. They have one guy who controls the charring of the insides of the barrels. He is in a room with this huge ventilation system. Outside the building I couldn't smell any charred oak. I suppose they scrub the exhaust of any contaminates. California, go figure.

  You wouldn't know that they were making wine barrels in this building. It looks like any of the other industrial buildings in the area. Just another small buisness making a product.

  The guy loading my truck is French. He speaks good english but with a very thick accent. He pointed out which dock door he would like me to back into. I told him I would rather park in a different one. He surrendered without a fight. Go figure! Oui Oui!

  Ah but seriously, it is a neat factory. I marvel at all the artisans there really are in this great country of ours. God has truly blessed us!

Magnetic trucks

  I have observed that trucks like parking in pairs. If I park my truck all by itself, in inevitably ends up with a friend right in the next parking spot.

  This was today most obvious. I parked towards the end in a huge rest stop. This rest stop could likely park 100 trucks. I parked in the area that had 10 or more spots open on my left and the final 3 spots on my right. Soon after I parked another truck came in and parked right next to my truck. None of the other spots ever got filled.

  What causes this phenomena? What draws trucks together in such ways?

  I know this isn't limited to trucks. On one occasion I went to see a movie with a friend. The theatre was empty. It was one of the theatres that had a wide center area of seats and rows of seating on either side. We took a side row assuring ourselves that nobody would bother us. The next people who came in sat in the seats right in front of us. No kidding! We got up and moved. I wonder if they ever figured out what happened.

  When the pundits joke about us being sheep there is a lot of truth in that phrase. I'm not even trying to be deep here. The average schmo (long o) simply likes to be next to others.  

  I have watched truckers struggle with backing their truck in right next to another truck. The rest of the parking lot is available but they have a need to be close. How sweet of them!

  I am not really bothered that much about this. It is just a funny observation. How many times have you seen people coagulate when they don't need to? Funny huh?

Making Amends

  In my recovery I am currently at the step that "suggests" I make amends. Heck, its only a suggestion if I want a better life. If not, don't follow the suggestion. Simple!

  Yesterday I started the process of making amends. I had the opportunity, and took it, to see my sister. It had been at least nine years since we had spoken. It wasn't that we had a huge falling out, but rather, we grew apart.

  As my alcoholism progressed my sister began hearing more and more about my failures. Huge failures. These horrible things I had done undoubtedly caused her much anger and grief.

  Part of my recovery depends upon trying to right the wrongs I have done. This is scary as hell. I am full of fear and anxiety just thinking about it.

  My sister helped calm my anxiety. When I walked into the room she held out her hand for me to hold onto. I took her hand and we started talking. She told me she loved me and forgave me. I asked if there were things I could do to remedy the past. Her reply was that I could write and call. Basically she wants a genuine brother.

  I was put at ease by my sister. It makes me want to get more amends out off the way. One by one, as I see people in person, I must start. Hopefully those meetings can be as glorious.

  I am certain all meetings won't go as smoothly. There will be people who can not or will not offer forgiveness. My job is only being sincere and doing my best.

  With God leading the way my trepidation has subsided. I am comfortable knowing that I am pleasing to my creator. I am positive that He was satisfied with me yesterday. Being found in Him is truly the greatest gift of all.

  So, for the first time in over nine years, I went to sleep and woke up with a relationship with my sister. Can you imagine?

 

The Lady of My Dreams

  A couple of nights ago I was having an unusual dream. It involved my wife (that is not unusual) and a new car (that is).

  My wife comes to see me and she is driving a really cute new car. She has a beautiful summer dress on. She is really perky and wants to show me this new car.

  In my dream I am smart enough not to flip out. Actually she described how she got the car. She said, "I sold everything and got this new car!" She is so happy and proud. I am freaking out inside.

  She is learning to be a strong woman and I am so proud of her. This carried over into my dream. I never argued, I started liking the car and was trying to be happy for her. The dream ended with me working on my acceptance and repeating to myself, "She sold everything and bought this cute car". Did I mention she looked cute in the car? 

  So here is the punchline. Today I shared this dream with my wife. At the end she thought about the dream and asked, "If I sell everything and buy a new car, then I can be the woman of your dreams?" 

  Kaapow, zing, she got me!

 

Tapatio Doritos!

  Wow are they good. A little spicy, awesomey, bag o chips . I noticed that the bag has all the ingredients in spanish as well! They must be thinking that this flavor of Doritos will be popular among Mexicans.

  I highly recommend getting a bag of them. They have that distinct Tapatio flavor. They also kinda remind me of a breakfast burrito. Perhaps with a little bit of choriso.
  It hits all those notes that I have come to recognise as good mexican food. There is a reason many mexican restaurants have Tapatio on hand.

  So go get a bag. Heck, get a bottle of Tapatio and put a drop on the Tapatio chip! Magic! Another favorite is the habanero Tabasco added to Nacho Doritos. Awww yeaah!

The Hazard Lights

  When approaching a road construction zone, where there is a flagger, I put on my hazard lights. This let's the people behind me know that I will be slowing or stopping. It also let's the people in front of me know that I am aware of what is happening.

  I have seen flaggers visually relax when they see my hazard lights come on. I am sure they get nervous when the cars are approaching. Do they see me? Are they slowing down? Will they stop? Those lights inform them that I see them and am ready to stop.

  Can this be true in our daily walk? When we see a difficult situation approaching, is there a way to signal that we are preparing for it? I think yes.

  I believe God is watching and listening to our prayers. In some ways prayer can be our signal to Him that we are aware of the hazard that is coming. Far too often I have waited until the situation becomes a panic stop, spiritually speaking.

  Letting God know that I am aware and concerned has taken on new meaning in my life. Those people holding the stop/slow sign have never pulled out another sign that says "speed up" or "go faster". I assume that God is the same way. When he places warning signs in my life it is imperative that I heed those warning. Prayer indicates that I am paying attention.

  When I see a problem in the future, prayer is a sure way of getting directions on how I should proceed.

Debby

  Tonight my sister is in the hospital. I have just heard a report that her neck has a fracture and they are transferring her to a hospital that can work on the neck. She does have feeling in her extremities. It was an awful crash, to be sure.

  My prayers go out to her and the family. I am so very grateful she is doing well. Please God, guide those doctors and nurses. 

  I am given to great pause this evening. I need to digest these emotions a little bit more. I must not waste time in loving people. 

  Is it enough to say that I care and am praying? Will she know the depth of my worry? I can't know.

  Soon my Mom will call with an update. It will cause these emotions to swirl around. Hopefully it will be good news. Heal well Debby. I love you.

C+D Drive-in

  Ahhh, the joys of a good burger.

  Tonight I parked next to C+D and went in to check it out. It is a passion of mine to visit small diners sometimes. This place had it all; burgers, shakes, donuts, burritos, pizzas and ice cream. Not just any ice cream, locally made quality ice cream.

  It had and old timey feel and the staff was exceptional. They were a little pricey but it was worth it for the experience. They are located in a little town called Boardman, Oregon. Its a two exit town and one of the exits has nothing on it.

  I ate their signature burger, The Bozo. Hey! That's the burgers name not mine! It was a super thin 1/4 patty fried super quik. The cheese was melty. The bacon salty and crisp. They buttered and toasted the oversized bun. They built it the correct way; bacon, lettuce, tomato, and pickles on the bottom. Dare I say the perfect burger? For this style, awww yeahhh!

  Now I am relaxing in my truck. I have made my phone calls and am ready to call it a night. Just off to the east a thunder storm is building. Gods fireworks are on display. What a most pleasurable day!

An Accident

  One of the drivers of the company I work for had an accident a couple weeks ago. The person in the other vehicle died.

  I can only imagine what is going through the truckers mind. I am sure they can relive the entire experience. I am sure they know exactly what the other driver looked like right before the accident. The other vehicle had blown a tire, came across the median, struck a minivan, then struck the semi, and lastly hit a pickup. The people in the van had to be taken to the hospital. The semi and pickup drivers had no injuries. 

  These kind of events are so tragic and painful. The family of the deceased will have a hard time. It will also be very rough for the semi driver. The semi completely smashed thru the drivers side of the vehicle.  

  When something tragic happens, that wasn't preventable, it can really mess someone up. We all hope to have something we could have changed so the tragity could have been avoided. When there is nothing that could have been changed, we struggle and grasp for answers that never quite make sense.

  I was discussing this with my wife a while ago and she didn't really understand the concept. "How could someone have difficulty when they knew there was nothing they could do?" A day or two later she stepped on a pet frog that had escaped. She understood. She spent that day tearing her mind apart wondering what she could have done differently. 

  This all makes complete sense when you fully see the complexity. When you make an error and something happens you can change and thus prevent another error from happening. When you did nothing wrong and something bad happens you are left struggling with what could be changed. If nothing could be changed how can we grow? It is a truly perilous dilema.

  There you have it. I pray that all people involved will be okay. And I hope the driver of the semi won't be reliving those moments forever. I am sure they are haunted by them.  

Captain Microwave Mind

  In a podcast recently I heard a funny quip about time. They were having a discussion about ice cream and if hot toppings should be applied. I agreed with the one guy when he postulated that the hot toppings help melt the ice cream thus making for a more pleasurable eating experience. The other host simply said, "Why not just add time?"

  That indeed is the question. Is time an ingredient that, when added, can enhance and better our experinces? If we add time, can we do without the hot toppings?

  I read a funny quote as well. "Might as well become friends with time, you're gonna spend a lot of it together".

  Time as an ingredient. Time as a friend. For me, time is to long. Call me, "Captain Microwave Mind"! I want things done quickly. I can't help but wanting things done rapidly.

  However, I really appreciate things that take time. Where they take time too, I have no idea. Is there a time island where time goes to get some time off? No really, things that take time to build or create are often impressive.

  The idea that somethings just take time is erroneous. For instance, it doesn't take time to grow a vegetable garden. It takes soil, seeds, summer, weeding, water, and a miracle. Once all those things are in place then you add time. Not too much later and things will start to grow. Then you start seeing and hoping. If you are good you can start identifying the plants almost right away.

  But we don't eat those tiny plants. We nurture them. We feed them. We hope for them. We marvel when the flowers come out. Then those tiny veggies come in. So cute!

  The point for me is, I feel like a young plant. I am well watered and fed. My roots are tapping deep and my leaves are maturing. So, like, when is the fruit going to come? Actually there is fruit and I am grateful for it. Its a time consuming thing to produce some kinds of produce. And I want the best. 

  I remember going into a community garden at UCR. There was lots of cool things that the stores didn't carry. I was in awe. A lady mentioned that she grew asparagus. I didn't know what it was and inquired of the lady. She said that it took a couple of years before an asparagus plant would produce. As a young man I thought, "Forget that, that's far too long". She had been very proud of them. I couldn't understand.

  How does a gardener plant something that takes so long to mature? I thought two years was like a lifetime. If I planted them then, I would have been like 14 years old when they matured! Who had that much time?

  That lady had no idea if the asparagus would work out. Maybe they would be digged up by dogs or trampled by kids. But she planted anyways. She had great hope and desire to see the finished process. As it turns out, part of the pleasure of gardening is the process.    

  That lady also told me that artichokes took years to grow. She also said they were from the moon. I don't know about that one. Maybe she was growing herbs other than thyme. Or maybe she said they looked like they came from the moon. Funny lady. 

  Time flies when you're having fun. Fruit flies like an apple.

Power

  Ok, I don't have a problem with power. I have a problem with being powerless.

  Maybe I should write a list of all the things I have no power over. Wow, that could be a long list! Perhaps a list of things I do have power over.

Here goes. My list of thing that I have power over:
1.

  Whew! I am spent. That's a difficult thing to write so much. Hope I didn't forget anything. Do you have any items I may have forgotten?

  I enjoy putting a humorist spin on rough things. I guess if something is funny it shouldn't hurt. The things still hurt but I have a better perspective on them.

  Let me freak out a bit here. I hate having no power. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. For that matter, I hate not knowing what is happening. This is one of the largest challenges I encounter.

  I can't get my stupid head to straighten out around this. I get all spun out and bent up. I cry out to God. He says, "Be patient". I can't control patience! Patience just happens.

  I feel like a blind guy. Jesus walks over and heals me. Then I look around and say, "Lord, I don't like what I see". Ok that story is 100% wrong. I am more like a guy who thought I could see, then was healed, only to discover I can't see those things I cared about. That's reality.

  This powerless issue crept up and bit me. For a couple of days it has been dogging me. Acceptance, prayer, talking, reading, and listening. I do these things and they help very much.

  Well that's where I am at. Not very articulate in my thoughts today. Like the doctor said to the patient with a kidney stone, "This too shall pass".