Brokeness

  I just finished watching "Fireproof" again. If you haven't read my "Let down" blog, go and read it now. This blog is sort of a part two of it.

  My friend and I watched Fireproof together and had a very good conversation afterwards.

  The main theme of our talk was about being broken before the Lord. I was stunned at how real and powerful our conversation was. God has really blessed my life with our friendship. I thank God for him.

  The brokeness I feel tonight is overwhelming. It breaks my heart to watch that movie and recall the years of sin I implanted into my relationship with my wife. The fact is, I was a terrible husband.

  In the movie Caleb, the lead actor, realised his sin and repented. God then set out to heal Caleb's brokeness. Many powerful things happened in the movie. I wept for my own family.

  God has not promised me a bright tomorrow with everything being restored. All He has promised me is His love and forgiveness.

  I desperatly want to cry out "I don't want to be that hurtful man anymore!"  I want the painful memories to vanish. I don't want to remember those horrible things I did. I wish I could fix it. I wish fixing it wasn't so damn hard.

  Today I have begun to walk forward. I have been given the gift of focusing on today. Even though it pains me to be reminded of my failures, I want to know them, so I can work on them.

  As I plow on into life, I know God has richly blessed me. I know He continued to love me even when I was His rebelious son. 

  Please God, transform me. Take away my hideousness. Give me the things in my life that will draw me nearer to you. Help the past to be healed. Help me to be your prodigal that came home. Thank you for sending Jesus for me.