Testimonies

  Recently I read a testimony about someone being saved at the young age of five years old. That is such a kind gift from God. To be able to recognise the need for forgiveness, and accept it at such a young age, is truly remarkable.

  In my own life this was not the case. I grew up in a family of Christians who were highly dysfunctional (whose family isn't, right!). My parents both had tragic upbringings. They brought their painful past into the new family.

  The point of this particular blog is to expose the self-righteousness that comes with hearing some peoples testimonials.

  Picture this:

A man stands up in church and gives a heart wrenching story. He was abused as a child. He sought comfort with loose women and wild living. This fast life ran him down a road that ended with him killing a man and going to prison.

  While in prison he found God. He studied hard and got a degree in theology. After leaving prison he worked as a janitor for the church whose pastor visited him in prison.

  After serving as a janitor for a few years he was asked to lead up the youth ministry. A few years later he became lead pastor of his own church. And now, after all these years, he is blessed with the fastest growing church in the state!

  That is an awesome transformation and testimony!! I heard that testimony over a year ago and it blew my mind! God has the power to transform even the most vile man!

  Did you see what happened there? That last statement had a peculiar twist in it. It assumes that the sins that guy had done were more wretched than most.

  I have heard from people who were like the first guy in this blog. Saved at a young age, they never went and did those things we think of as horrible. However, in Gods eyes, was his sinfulness somehow less sinful than the murderers?

  Some who haven't "sinned as much" may wonder how God can use them to reach people.

  That whole line of thinking is a lie. It smells like smoke and is from the pit of hell. Riddle me this:

Who gave us the idea that our sins aren't as bad as others?

Who made us think that we were so righteous?

Who said that God can't use us cause we weren't as bad as others?

Does the Bible teach that some people are more wretched than others?

IT DOESN'T WORK!!!!!!

  We ALL come to God miserable, wretched, and broken. There is no sin hierarchy. We all have made a hash of Gods law. We all trampled on the cross and cursed at the saviour. Our vileness and corruption hung our dear Lord on the cross.

  How dare any of us imagine that somehow we are less guilty. We stand before a holy and sovereign God only because of what He did for us.

The Bible proclaims that our righteousness is as filthy rags.

What, you somehow think your rags aren't as dirty as someone else's? You fool. How can grace have its work on you while you still think you are a good person?

  It is important for us not to lose sight of our own deceitfulness. We can very easily begin thinking that God is very lucky, and didn't have to do much, to have saved us.

  After all, Jesus only shed a couple of drops of blood for me. Those truly disgusting people are the ones who He had to........    

The porn star

  I listened to an interview with a former porn star. She had been desiring to get into modeling and then slowly got coerced into revealing more and more. Her photographer had gained her trust by being nice and even talking about his own Christian background. Eventually the lure of money and the confidence of friends won over and she began posing nude.

  Almost immediately God began to convict her of what she had done. She called the webmaster and tried, unsuccessfully, to back out of the deal. She was able to extricate herself from further involvement, but the damage was already done and would soon haunt her.

  To her horror, within days of the site opening up her friends and family found out. Relationships were strained and hearts broken. Her relationship with her mom had still yet to heal at the time of the interview.

  Today she is a beacon of hope and reconciliation. Her strength thru the pain is a true gift of God. She stands as a testimony to the love of the gospel. Her openness will help rescue many. She has become a true woman. Gods woman.
 
  According to the interview her photos still exist on the website. Think about this, there are men who are seeing her and have no idea that she has changed. They are lusting after a woman who was very much hurt by the very images they are currently enjoying! Dude, that is rough stuff.

  My own addiction to pornography caused me to not think of women as real people. By viewing so many photographs, my heart became walled off from real connection. The real women I encountered slowly became like the imaginary women. I became incapable of a true relationship.

  This woman has helped me put those images back in their proper context. These aren't bodies to be lusted after, they are true women who should be cherished. They are women with hurts and pasts that have brought them to this place of confusion. They are women who seem to be enjoying life to the full, while slowly the noose tightens.

  In fact, the woman in the interview said that she felt glamorous at first. With all the neat cloths and makeup, she felt beautiful. She felt cherished and cared for. She wasn't aware of her great need to feel beautiful and desired, so she sought it in the wrong place, and believed the money made it ok.

  The trouble is, I felt the same way when I looked at porn. Here was an attractive lady that accepted me, warts and all. She wasn't concerned with my failures or my faults. She wasn't concerned with the finances or mortgage. It wasn't important if I truly cared for her. She was there to accept me. She could just give and I could just take. No harm done. And I really believed all that!

  I am glad I listened to the interview. O how I hope that more men and women will see just how destructive becoming involved with porn can be.

  Do you think the church can help? Wouldn't a former porn star be a valuable asset to The Lords church? What is it wasn't a former one, but one that was seeking?

  The church is supposed to be a place of healing for all. We should be able to come and pour out our pains and disappointments. We do not become complainers when we do, rather we expose the bad thoughts to the light where they can wither and die.

  Even in recovery I have bad thoughts attack me. Try out this next paragraph and see what you think. Remember, temptation isn't a sin, its when that temptation lures us away that sin begins.

   I was tempted to go look up pictures of this woman. I could say that I was only going to look at proper photos of her, ya know.....just so I could more imagine her pain and be able to put a face on the struggle. Wow what a load of mushrooms that is! Looking her up would have inevitably ended with me gazing upon her naked form. My imagination would not have been satisfied with safe images when naughty ones were just a click away. By maintaining my boundaries I didn't fall and this woman wasn't objectified by yet another dude.

  Let us face it, addiction is insipid and brutal. It takes no prisoners and does not negotiate. If I don't expose the wicked thoughts I slowly become alone and incapable of love. But the woman on the web page will still care for me, I just feel it. Brutal.

Slow down

  I just heard a story about soldiers dying at an alarming rate while storming into rooms. This close quarters combat issue evidently came down to soldiers rushing into a room too quickly, not being able to fully assess the surroundings, and thus being vulnerable to attack.

  To solve this situation the army adopted a new strategy. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

  That concept is so simple! I find myself applying it to more and more situations. In recovery taking your time and doing it smoothly seems so slow. Yet, people with more time and serenity say, "Relax, if you rush you will fail".

  I am gonna try and slow down. The pace should be set by God and I should just let him lead. I wish He would hurry up!
 
Ecclesiastes 7:8
Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.

Forgiveness

  I spent some time discussing forgiveness with some friends yesterday. One of the guys had his sisters molested by a friend of the family quite a few years ago. The pain and trauma of what happened eventually led to his being raised in foster care, his parents divorce, and his mother becoming lesbian. The offender spent ten years in prison, then passed away a couple years after his release.

  My friend has no clue how to start forgiving this guy and neither do I. So I would like to chronicle some of the difficulties of forgiveness.

  This situation isn't easy to figure out. Was the guy responsible for the divorce, foster care, and lesbianism? Was he a catalyst in making those things happen? Can my friend forgive the man even tho the guy has passed away and can't ask for forgiveness? Are my friends anger issues this dudes fault?

  I am not trying to answer any specifics about my friends situation. I just want you to imagine how you would feel and what you might do.

  The difficulties of forgiving this heinous act are numerous. It involves treating ones own unforgiveness as a cancer. We don't want to gloss over the bad behaviour, nor do we want to continue holding the resentment. Resentment will poison our lives if not taken care of.

  One way to begin forgiving someone is by writing out what happened and how we were affected. We then take that letter and share it with someone safe. We don't hold back or minimize our thoughts or feelings. The listening party doesn't try to do anything but encourage them to go deep and get it all out. Anger and tears are common.

  We can then take the letter and have a closure ceremony. Some have found that burning the letter can be quite healing. Some may want to keep the letter in their journal. If they want to keep the letter I would encourage them to find some other appropriate way to symbolize letting go.

  What about maybe talking to the person who hurt you? Confronting the person who hurt you can be helpful, but be careful! What if they try to minimize what they did? What if they point out your faults? What if the jerkasaurus thinks you don't deserve an apology? What if the healing you thought you would get becomes even more bitterness?

  Lets face it, sometimes I don't like forgiving certain people. I feel like I have power and control by not forgiving them. Sometimes I think if I forgive them I must then be buddy buddy with them. And I don't want to do that! Those suckers deserve whatever pain they get.

  I am told that forgiveness at the core is cancelling a debt. Sometimes the debt is so large it seems impossible. Sometimes the pain is so huge forgiveness seems unfair. Sometimes my anger is so righteous forgiveness seems stupid and illogical.

  When I think of debt being cancelled I think of the cross. The old saying is, "He paid a debt he didn't owe, and I owed a debt I couldn't pay".

  Does recognizing my own sins help me forgive the sins of others? Not very often. I mean, it should. I would sound much more spiritual if I said it did. But I am just not that good. I don't like forgiving people unless I get something out of it. But if I get something out of it am I really forgiving or am I just reducing payment?

  If people would stop hurting me I wouldn't have to learn these lessons. Life would be easy. Yet God has ordered my path and forgiveness is something that he says will help.

  pOne of my friends said, "If someone keeps stepping on your toes, you should buy steel-toed boots." 

  I like that thought. The trouble is, it allows the person to keep reoffending and I pretend like it doesn't matter. Classic enabling. "Don't worry about hurting me, I am tough and can take it."

  So I challenge you... How do you forgive? And can you explain it in common terms without going super spiritual. I do think that God certainly empowers us to be able to forgive, but what are those little things we can do that helps move the process along?
 

My first view

  I am arriving at a terrible memory. It involves my first view of pornography. I don't know what the average age is for a kid to view porn for the first time is, for me it was nine.
 
  My dad took me (maybe my sister also) to see Porky's. I only know that I was nine by looking up when the movie was made. I suppose that I could have been ten, depending on when the release date was.

-Plot summary from imdb.com-
"Set in 1954, a group of Florida high schoolers seek out to lose their virginity which leads them to seek revenge on a sleazy nightclub owner and his redneck sheriff brother for harassing them"

  The movie is rated "R" and I am sure the director narrowly missed the "X" rating by being clever with a few scenes. There is plenty of nudity both male and female. There are hookers, strippers, and a madame or two.

  At nine years old I didn't know what to do with this info. The guys seemed to be having fun and I liked fun. So I began looking for this "fun".

  The neighbor kids were slightly older and they liked fun. He was thirteen and she was eleven. So I stole some wine from my dads cupboard, we all drank, and we danced nude. I felt so accepted and cared for. Finally I had arrived.  
 
  I didn't know at the time just how much I would attach acceptance with sex. If a lady cared for me, clearly sex should follow.

  I hid the alcohol in the water meter box and hoped for further contact with the neighbor kids. When they didn't want to "play", I drank the alcohol and was comforted. I remember riding the bus home wondering when I could sneak a drink. Drinking socially wasn't an option for me, even from the start.

  What I want to know is:

How come my dad stayed and watched the movie with me/us?

Was he worried about losing the money he had spent?

Did he really want to see those images and was unconcerned about the impact it would have on his young child?

The drive to the theatre was 30 minutes. Was he upset at the hour investment to get there and back, so he might as well just watch it?

  I can't think of any other scenarios that would make sense. Any one of those answers stink. My dad was a broken man, and so am I. I am certain he is not aware just how horrible that movie was. And I am certain he doesn't remember going (he might if he reads this).

  Instead of gently warning his son of the dangers of porn and alcohol, my dad provided them.

  I am not trying to blame my dad for making me the addict I have become. I would have found the pleasures of porn and alcohol on my own. But these were my first exposures to them. Those pleasures only lasted for a while, just like the Bible said they would. I warped my mind trying to pursue acceptance in a bottle or a breast.

  Things are getting better now. I have a group of men I can talk to who help me process things in a proper way. I even have female friends who I don't pursue sexually. My father and I are building bridges towards a loving relationship. But best of all, I found forgiveness in the finished work of the cross.

******UPDATE*******

  After a review of my timeline I now realise that the dancing nude with the neighbor kids happened when I was seven or eight. This puts it before Porky's . The neighbor boy was somewhere around twelve. Certainly old enough to know what was what.

  So that's where my sexual beginnings started. No wonder I struggle with sexual purity. I grew up  believing sex was just a good way to be friends with a girl. And if we didn't have sex I was being rejected.

  It is really difficult to process this history. It seems to bring into focus all the pains and struggles I have had.

The scorecard

  I came across an old scorecard from 2000. It was for a bowling league we used to play in. Those were such fun times. It is a strange thing to look back in time and remember where you were at.

  We would get my grandma to watch the kids every bowling night. She just loved coming over. I think we tried to have a meal ready for her to serve the kids.

  I was a more competitive bowler, my wife just had fun. The scorecard has me winning the top scratch score and my wife winning top handicap. It was a tremendous week!

  So I cherish those times. Who knew a small piece of paper could flood my memories and emotions? We had many great evenings bowling. Hope we can do it again sometime.
 

Paradise City

  Cruising thru Tacoma, radio blaring, and blam-o GnR comes on with Paradise City. Its a great tune to rock out to. The city lights reflect off the other cars and I am just certain they are listening to The same tune. The banshee yells of Axl seem to be in tune to the hum of my truck. I am mesmerized.

  Its not like I particularly care for for the lyrics of the song. I am not sure even what they are! The song just takes me back to highschool. Lonely nights on forbidden roads wondering just how much trouble I would be in when I finally did go home. Now its 2am, I am on similar roads, the music is cranked,  nobody is expecting me home, or wondering if I am safe.

  The irony is that there is a place called Paradise City and its not to far away. Just down the road and up a little hill called Raineer and you find that little city. I don't know if I have ever been there, but I do want to go.

  I like rock and roll on night drives thru the city. Looking at the city all lit up lends itself to a guitar solo. Much in the same way a cow and barn don't! I enjoy these times.
 

Anxious Andy

This story I adapted from a sermon illustration by Greg Laurie.

  Anxious Andy worried about everything. His friends tried to help him by sharing things he could hope in, nevertheless Andy just had to be anxious.

  One day Anxious Andy hit upon a clever idea. "Why not hire someone to worry for me?"

  A few days pass by and his friends gradually become aware that something has changed. "Andy, how come you don't worry anymore?"

  "I hired someone to worry for me."

  His friends asked how much this cost Andy.

  "Ten thousand a week."

"Have you lost your mind! You can't afford ten thousand a week!!!"

  Anxious Andy replied, "That's for them to worry about"

He says he is in recovery...

  Your special someone is in recovery. You are full of hope and dreams. Yet you wonder, "Is this real?" How do you find out? Is there a way to test the fruit of repentance?

  There is four things that go along with recovery. Anyone in recovery who is doing the stuff  should demonstrate these things. You should be able to see it without them even telling you.

The person must:

...Be able to explain their issues (what caused them to become who they became)

...Own it (no longer blame anyone or anything for what they have done)(accept responsibility)

...Have a plan of recovery (this plan better be a good one that lots have recovered with before)

...Understand that you don't have to trust them (you get to choose that...coercion must stop)

  Hint: don't tell them you are looking for these things. Don't give them the list! These things come naturally from a repentant heart. If they are in recovery, they can't help but do these things!

Safe people

  I am not going to write a book on this subject, but I do have some decent ideas about who is safe and who isn't. At least, I think they are decent. You be the judge.

   Who is a safe person to seek counsel in?

  For starters, they should hold similar values as yours. If the person is going to try to talk you into doing something you know is wrong, that person is unsafe.

  That person should have nothing emotionally at stake in what you do. Sure they will love you and care about you, but if what you do can mess them up...that is an unsafe person. Suppose you share with them that your husband is looking at porn. They freak out and tell you to divorce right away...no chance for repentance. Then you find out that the person had a failed marriage and is still bitter. Unsafe person.

  How about the gossip? They get so excited about your recovery they go tell everyone! Unsafe.

  What about the opinionated newcomer? They know it all and am shocked at how little everyone else knows. Unsafe!

  How about the one who gets angry at just about everyone they know at one time or another? You will become one of those people they get angry at.

  Be careful dear friend. Unsafe people can be caring. They can appear harmless. They may even intend the best for you. But, if they aren't solid in there recovery, trusting them will make you unsure in your recovery. Ultimately, don't walk past warning signs about people.

A real bozo that I am

  Yesterday I backed up to a dock and went inside to talk to the lumper about unloading the trailer. The man was rude very uncordial in his speech. I responded appropriately by returning his lack of kindness.
 
  I went out to the truck to get a check for their services. As I was waiting for my company to issue the check, I mentally reviewed the conversation to see if (or how badly) I had behaved.

  As I perused the darker recesses of my mental abilities, I concluded that I had better be nicer in the next conversation with the lumper. I didn't want to but I should.

  I headed back inside ready to play nice. The fellow spoke exactly the same as before only now I noticed that he spoke with a small degree of difficulty. What I had taken as rudeness was really him being deliberate in his speech.

  No, I didn't say to him "I thought you were just rude, now I think you are just slow".

  I feel kinda bad about the whole thing. When someone gets snappy or rude I really like being a jerk back. Sometimes they may have just had some horrible thing happen, they don't like their job, or whatever...the point is...perhaps I should be kinder. I'm not saying I always will be. But I will try.

 

 

Cryptic messages

  I really enjoy throwing my thoughts down on this blog, even the bad ones. I strive not to be perfect. Instead I strive for openness. This doesn't come naturally for me. I have been an alcoholic/addict for much of my life.

  Part of my difficulty is identifying things that I struggle with and articulating them. My thoughts don't form this way.

  I traditionally function better focusing on the crap other people do. Lets face it, there is plenty of crap to talk about out there! :)

  I only achieve my feelings of contentment when I get my funky gunk out. Whereas I used to find joy in passing judgement on others, I now find joy in being more open with who I am.

  I have been at this process for over two years. No artificial pain killers.

  My family hasn't come back yet. There is hope that they will. There is fear that they won't. I don't want another family.

  I sit and think a lot. I used to call it stewing, now I think of it as more like a tossed salad.

  I have no idea what that last sentence was about. I just thought it would be funny to write it.

  So life goes on and funky gunk comes out. Life does keep getting better daily. But my historical perspective also becomes clearer.

Normality

  I am completely convinced that I am unable to attain or grasp normality. Or maybe that's the most normal thought I have ever had. 

  Is it normal for someone who hurts his family to feel sorrow when he can't talk to them?

  Alcoholism isn't normal. Addiction isn't normal. I guess recovery isn't normal then either.

  The disease model of alcoholism seems normal until you apply it to recovery. A cancer victim goes to war with his disease and the family hopes for the best recovery so they can have more time with him.

  To the man suffering from addiction this scenario doesn't play out the same. His disease has harmed his family emotionally and often physically. His family desires his recovery but they can injure themselves by helping or being involved. Sometimes separating is the right thing to do.

  Easy? Yeah right.

  I live in this separated world. I have found God. I have found sobriety. I have found untold grief and sorrow. I have a map to finding peace....I think I even have a ticket to getting there :)

  But is this all normal?

  This can't be normal. But it doesn't seem strange. It just is.

  I gotta stop trying to figure out what I should feel and just feel whatever I am feeling. I think I feel lonely.

Suffering at the hands of:

  It is with great shame and pain I write this blog.

  I have hurt my family in many ways. My alcoholism and addictions have caused untold grief and anguish for many.

  The forum of writing online limits what I can say. I can't disclose all the garbage I have done. In so doing I may further hurt those I have injured.

  Now, with all the preliminaries out of the way, lets get real.

  Today I find myself grieving very much. The horrible things I have done have caused a loved one to cut themselves and contemplate suicide.

  I am incapable of describing with enough intensity the horror I feel about that last paragraph.

  Throughout my recovery I have been a little naive. I supposed this person was doing fine and was able to cope. My prayers for them weren't as focused as they should have been. My selfishness was focused on them forgiving me. I should have been more concerned for their emotional healing.

  This process of recovery is slow and painful. My soul is crushed and my spirit broken. How is it possible for this moron to hurt others so greatly? And now I must stand back and watch them struggle to find the same lifeline I grabbed. This stinks.

The greener grass

  "The grass is greener on the other side"

  I have believed this statement for way too long. I submit my mind to the fantasy that life is somehow better for someone else. I would just be happy to be who they are.
 
  Truth be told, the grass is greener where it is cared for.

  If I want that great relationship with my wife then I have to tend to the things that can cause that closeness.

  The cool thing is that God says he will help. I don't have to water alone anymore. Praise God!

Walk in the dark

  "Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling". Those lyrics make my heart pause.

   I think about how fast I ran away from God. I think about the times I knew what was right to do and chose another way. I think about Jesus calling to me just as the streetlights are coming on. He is calling, "Come in before the dark!"

  Oh but I waited too long. The streets grew disfigured with the stretching of the shadows. Excitement was in the air and everything seemed possible.

  I grew to love that twilight land. I could still see the porch where Jesus was calling, but I could see the excitement of the unknown slowly coming on. What things are possible at night?

  I had to explore this dark nether world. It frightened me yet gave me comfort. My life slowly became darkened and yet I liked it. The fear was replaced by excitement.

  I was becoming a zombie. I could still remember those wonderful days in the sun. I remember going on picnics and walks in the parks. Frolicking in the snow and splashing in the water. The seasons didn't matter, the light did. Those memories are fading.

  The shadows grew longer. I wondered what terrible things hid in those shadows. Weren't they just the same things that were there in the daylight?

  The sunlight hurts my skin now. Any exposure causes me to wince. My family and friends like the sun so I have to pretend it doesn't hurt when I go out now. I hope they don't notice the change.

  The darkness is enjoyable now. The shadows aren't scary anymore. The scariest thing out here is me. I worry that my family will tell me to stop visiting the darkness, I don't think I can do that.

  I find the darkness miserable yet I find no comfort in the light either. I grope around in darkness and I am blinded during the day.

  I am so lonely.

  My comfort has taken away my pleasure.

  I can't see anymore at night. The darkness is so complete I run into things and hurt myself. Other times I attack and hurt others, but I don't know who they are. Its just too dark.

  I freely hurt others, I begin to curse the light. Wounds begin appearing on people who I know. Devouring them seems reasonable.

  My family has a nightmare. Their nightmare is me. Anybody have a cure for a zombie?

 

 

Grace

John Calvin...some thoughts on grace

  God’s children are pleasing and lovable to him, since he sees in them the marks and features of his own countenance. For we have elsewhere taught that regeneration is a renewal of the divine image in us. Since, therefore, wherever God contemplates his own face, he both rightly loves it and holds it in honor, it is said with good reason that the lives of believers, framed to holiness and righteousness, are pleasing to him. (Institutes 3.17.5)

  Therefore, as we ourselves, when we have been engrafted in Christ, are righteous in God’s sight because our iniquities are covered by Christ’s sinlessness, so our works are righteous and are thus regarded because whatever fault is otherwise in them is buried in Christ’s purity, and is not charged to our account. Accordingly, we can deservedly say that by faith alone not only we ourselves but our works as well are justified. (Institutes 3.17.10)

Memorials

  When Joshua led the children of Israel into the promised land they got twelve stones out of the river and set them up for a memorial. Future generations would ask what the stones were for and then they could be told the story of rescue and deliverance done by God.

  Is there a modern day equivalent? Is there something we can set up that would demonstrate to others our history of recovery as Christians?

  For many the answer is no. If God did deliver them from anything, they are too embarrassed to set up a memorial.

  Openness and honesty are the hallmarks of getting better. Hiding our past is an indicator that we haven't gotten better, only become better at hiding.

  I carry a sobriety coin. It tells me how long I have been sober. It also invites people to ask me about it. I can share as little or as much as I like. But if I don't share anything but how great I am doing today, people can't relate.

  Humanity is broken. For those who pretend they are not broken, go do something rotten so God can forgive you. Its alot better once you have.

  And once God has forgiven you of that horrible act, set up a memorial of his deliverance. Don't set up reminders of how you rescued yourself.

Monkey on your back?

"What Gorilla?"

wife of an addict interview....Awesome!

Pirate Monk Podcast » Episode 27 - The Allie Interview

Nate Larkin

"Nate Larkin"
A testimonial you must hear.

Clean Slate

  Many times when I failed at something my father would pronounce "Now you have a clean slate!". We would have a rather lengthy conversation about all the interesting ways I had flubbed it up, then my slate would be clean.

  I didn't know what a slate was, didn't know mine was dirty, and certainly had no clue if I could then keep it clean!

  Nevertheless I got the basic concept. My sins were forgiven, my future was restored, and my dad could think proudly of me again.

  Inevitably I began to sully the cleanness of my slate. I enjoyed making my slate dirty. (I still do)

  My dad would begin the next round of correction by exploring the vast ways I had previously failed. Although I didn't know what a slate was, I knew mine was never actually wiped clean. The filth was still there and my dad never failed to remind me.

  Today I understand what a slate is and how it gets cleaned. In reality, every attempt I make to clean the slate of my life fails. Every time.

  I need a power greater than myself that can clean it. I need a redeemer who has cleanser. I need a saviour who has the ability to forget what was on the slate. I need a super duper slate cleaner!

  My father was a poor substitute for this need I had. I imagine that God wanted my dad to demonstrate this slate cleaning concept, my dad just couldn't.

  I walk through life now intimately aware of my faults. These sins don't get in the way of Gods love towards me. He sees me writing on my slate and loves me anyways. His love is free and covers anything I write.

  I have a clean slate and God has given me a pen with invisible ink.

Saying goodbye

  A dear friend has been separated from his wife for a few months. Today she leaves to go to Texas and she is taking their 18 year old daughter with them.

  He has been working overtime to try and rescue the marriage. Unfortunately, it appears not to have worked.

  Yesterday he hoped to see his daughter for one last movie or something. It didn't work out. So he got to say goodbye today for only a couple minutes.

  So right now my friend is in pain. He is having to let his wife and daughter go and he has no idea when he will see them again. Its painful.
 

How could you forget?

Exodus 17:13-14

And Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword. And the Lord said unto Moses, Write this for a memorial in a book, and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua: for I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven.

  So Joshua puts a huge whooping on Amalek, Moses' arms are like jello, and the victory was awesome. Why then the command to "rehearse it in the ears of Joshua"? Who's gonna forget this?
 
  Let me use myself as an example. I have watch God totally carry me through life's trials. His faithfulness is amazing. I have fought in the trenches, doubted if it would work, and God came through.

  Will I remember former victories when I fight future battles? Will I have those around me to strengthen me as Moses did?

  Then there is poor old Moses. He starts to tire, his arms come down, and his side starts losing! No pressure there! What if some ants started crawling up his leg and he just had to swat at them?! How uncomfortable.

  Then there is the uptight baptist who said, "Who is that crazy guy on the hill holding his hands up?! We are fighting here and he is holding some praise and worship service up there?  The heretic!"

  I should make this into a small play. The humor would be great.

Prayer app

  I installed a prayer app for my phone. Basically I put the people I want to pray for and their needs into this app and it reminds me to pray for them. I can put people in a daily prayer routine or randomize it. It is fully adaptive to whatever I want.

  So my prayer life is different now. I hadn't realized just how much I never prayed specifically for people!

  I just marvel at the fact that God has blessed me with so many people I can pray for, the ability to be reminded, and the power to actually do it!

  So think about your prayer life. An app for the phone helps to remind, but it doesn't really make it any easier to actually do!

Women poem

I have read a lot of poems
About how women are like flowers

Women are God's pinnacle of creation
The perfect display of His awesome powers

I think about my wifes love
And the years I have caused her pain

Will I see her in full bloom,
Or is she destined to not flower again?

Flowers need lots of gentleness
I suppose men do too

But men are more like fertilizer
We are often full of poo

Easter amends

  It has been a while since I blogged. Times have been busy and full. Guess when the Bible says that I will live life abundantly, this qualifies!

  Easter was awesome. I have a more profound understanding of the cost of my sins. The remarkable thing is that they are all paid for. All of them! That payment was expensive! So very costly!

  Easter is a day of redemtion. Easter is a day of hope. I had lost all hope, then I observed the cross and the empty tomb, now I have great hope.

  It's all true dear friend! Jesus conquered the grave, received punishment for our sins, and rose victorious! This great hope of redemption is all I have left to place hope in.

  My terrible sins have cost me plenty. I remain hopeful that I will be able to make full amends someday to those I have harmed. The greatest amends I needed to make were made for me, Jesus made them to the Father. Amazing!!

  Easter is amends day. Jesus bore a great burden to secure my forgiveness. No wonder Paul could say that todays sufferings couldn't even be compared to the glory to come. Glory hallelujah!

It's a wonderful plan

Philippians 1:29
"For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake"

  What a statement by Paul! He was shown what things he would suffer for Jesus and here he is telling us we will suffer also!

  Check out Philipians 3:7-8
"But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may when Christ".

  Is this the gospel you have heard proclaimed? Were you promised a wonderful life? What do you do with verses like these who say we will suffer?

  If we promise an unbeliever that God wants to give them a wonderful life, do they actually consider the cost? Its expensive to serve Christ! It costs us our desires, our goals, our families, our lives.

   So what's to gain? Freedom from sin. Oh that blessed freedom! Rejoice! Rejoice! Our sins are cast away, never to be remembered! Oh blessed Redeemer!

  Stop using God's blessings as "draw cards" to introduce people to Him. They may take you up on your offer, never repent and trust, and still be bound for hell.

  When I was fourteen I gave myself to God. I was promised a wonderful life and I took it. What changed for me?

  Nothing

  I still had my sinful nature. I just thought God would shield me from the consequences of my sins. I thought God would "open doors" and "bind up the devil" for me. After all, He promised me a wonderful life.

  Twenty-two years later and sin still had me in its death grip. How could I, God's child, be so vile and wretched? He was supposed to change my life into wonderful! I was duped!

  Paul says we are in a race. I got off to a false start! I "jumped the gun" and never repented. Jesus was a way of getting what I wanted. I wasn't given the opportunity to examine myself against God's law and discover my sinful nature.

  So, instead of being regenerated by Gods Holy Spirit, I was innoculated. I became a false convert.

  Today I see the truth. God didn't come to give me a wonderful life. He came to pay for my sins. He paid a huge price to pay for my sins. I am ashamed that I trampled the blood of Jesus by believing He came to give me "a wonderful life".

  Is it wonderful that He forgave my sins? Absolutely! But nobody thinks about their sins when we tell them, "God has a wonderful plan for your life".

  Paul suffered. He says I will also. I count that "wonderful life" that I had as dung. It was worthless.

Wrongful birth?!

Deborah and Ariel Levy: Portland couple wins case against Legacy Heath for 'wrongful birth' after daughter is born with Down...

Hey Folks, I get that the people will need extra money to pay for the extra needs of their daughter. But suing because they weren't given enough information to kill the child? This is utter depravity. When did it become ok to sue for "wrongful birth"?

  I hope the parents are having, or will have, second thoughts about ever wanting to abort this little girl. I know I have done tremendously wicked things in my life and God forgave me (for Christ's sake). I surely hope they repent of their wicked desire to abort their daughter. Yes, God can forgive them. Let's hope they come to Jesus and He washes them clean.

  I want to further the gospel a bit more. Friend, if you think your sins aren't as bad as these, think again. Our vileness is just as vile even if we don't think so. God looks upon the heart and proclaims hatred as murder. Looking with lust as adultery. If we have ever lied, He says, "You are of your father, the Devil, the father of lies". That's three of the "10 commandments". Do you really want to look at more to see if you get them right?

  I hope you catch the point. We are all condemned under the law. Let the law teach you that! Then, when you see your condemnation, agree with God about your wickedness (repentance), and cry out to Jesus. He suffered and died to pay for our sins. He has not promised you a terrific and wonderful life, but He does offer forgiveness for breaking His laws.

Survivor or victim

  Children of holocaust survivers were polled and asked how they felt about the trauma their parents went thru. The result of this was shocking!

  Those parents who described how they survived, the circumstances that caused them to make it, and those things that helped, their children had great empathy for what they went thru.

  Those parents who described how they were abused, the hardships they endured, and how they felt victimized, their children felt substantially less empathy.

  I take this to mean, if we share how we struggle, if we display our hurts and what we are doing to overcome them, people will more naturally want to care about us. If we show ourselves as victims only, people will have a difficult time relating to us.

  Why do I find this helpful? I want others to care about the hard things I face! Who doesn't? But, if all I do is complain those same people won't care as much. This is just reality. Sounds heartless and cruel, but its true.

  In recovery we have a saying, "Live in the solution". If we focus on only our problems, rejecting sound advice, who wants to be around us? 

  So, speak about our hurts and worries, talk about painful things. But don't forget to include the bit about how God is our rescuer. And if we do forget, don't poo-poo the fellow who steers the conversation back to recovery with God. 

  Lemme give an example from my life.

  I was a blackout drunk. Things I did were deplorable and hideous. I hurt many people deeply. When I first got sober I would say things like, "Why is this happening? I didn't mean to do it!". Naturally most people were not very empathetic.

  Today I tell what horrible things I did, what I am doing in recovery, and how God is working on me. Now I find people showing me empathy.

  I didn't change my approach to garner their good will. I just view what happened differently, so I talk about it differently. Instead of being a victim of blackouts, I am a sober/recovering scuzbucket who used to drown my sorry butt in alcohol and drugs. People relate better!

  What's it gonna be? Victim or survivor?

Dispensational truth

  Ahh, nothing like a theological term to title a blog. Really gets the interest piqued huh? Here is the scoop.

  My friend had always struggled with eternal security. You know, once saved always saved. He has finally gotten comfortable knowing he can't lose his salvation, but now he wants to show his brother (who thinks he lost his salvation). But he is unsure how to deal with Hebrews chapter six. Good question, how do you deal with Hebrews six if you can't lose your salvation?

  The first thing to point out is that Hebrews is God's command that men make the coffee. That being said, Hebrews is written to the Jews. So we must begin with a Jewish outlook about it. (I am going to say the Hebrews coffee thing in church sometime, deadpan all the way!)

  If you understand that the promises given to the Hebrews, and the promises given to the church, are different, then you have completed Theology and Eschatology 101. Oh sure, the promises can be similar, and there is overlap, but where they are different we should just accept that they are different. It really settles a lot of scripture.

  To keep it simple, if you want to get the message to the church correct, just pay attention to the Apostle to the Gentiles. That would be Paul. He shoots a straight message about salvation, in the church age, in all his epistles. If he authored Hebrews, he was clearly aiming at a different audience (Israel).

  Just like gleaning from the spiritual promises made to, say Noah, we must be careful not to apply the physical promises given to Noah incorrectly. We could end up with "gopher wood and pitch" churches! The physical promises made to the nation Israel are great for spiritual lessons, they can wreck havoc when applied literally (not spiritually) to the christian. (Gopher wood and pitch, a great Christian band name!)

  I hope I am not stirring the pot here. This dispensational belief I hold has been taught for many years and is considered orthodox. Yes, its a huge hunk o' spiritual meat. Some gag and some spit it out. But basically, its the only way to reconcile many verses.

  I have heard this called "The Kingdom of God" and "The Kingdom of Heaven". Since heaven isn't God (that would be pantheism) they must be different. Simply put, Israel's physical promises are "The Kingdom of Heaven". The church's spiritual promises are "The Kingdom of God". Are there overlap? Yep. Are the promises often different? You bet!

  Confused yet?

  I think for me the matter cleared up when I found myself unable to understand Hebrews 6, James 2, Acts 2, Matthew 5-7, and Matthew 24. They didn't make sense in light of Paul's epistles or the Gospel of John. How can you understand the diaspora (Matthew 24) if you think Israel's promises are to the church? Once I realised I was reading someone elses promises, I relaxed. Finally, I had peace and the Bible made sense. I was no longer trying to reconcile things that are meant to be different. I could gain great spiritual truths from those scriptures and not fret about the "works" that are in them.  

  Hope this helps. Hope I didn't just confuse you more. Next week, a study of hermeneutics. If you know what that last word means then you don't need to read next week!

  P.S. I really ain't writin bout none dem thar hermunooticks next week!

My biggest week

  Life for me will be changing this week in a very big way. Thusrday will be the culmination of events that I caused. I enter this week with fear, hope, and faith.

  Why, if I trust God implicitly with my life, would I have fear in my list? Just because I trust God completely, and I do, doesn't mean my mind doesn't explore the negative side of things. I "turn my thoughts over", yet those thoughts still happen.

  I choose to be vague about what might be happening.  There is only so much I am willing to disclose in a public forum. Those I have hurt in my life have the right to share how they were hurt publicly, I don't.

  That being said, let me chronicle a little of what has changed already I'm my life: July 5th of 2010 I drank my last drink of alcohol, August of 2010 I devoted/recommited my life to God in Christ, October of 2010 I gave God my sexuality (no sex with anyone, including myself, other than my wife), and I have been daily praying and reading my bible since October of 2010. The list could be populated with many smaller victories, such as the day I shared all my moral shortcomings with someone else, but those smaller stories would take a book to write down.

  Recovery has been a long and painful path. There has never been, nor will there ever be, a day when it has reached culmination. Even so, there has been many days of "reaching the mountain tops of faith". I love those days!

  I have many new friends. God has become tangible and accessible. My relationship with my parents and sister has been restored. I have a great new Pastor who knows me and still loves me. I have a support group who calls me on my bull fertilizer. I listen to my wife. I "walk" with a purpose. Incapacitating fear hasn't happened in a long time.

  My life has many more obstacles to overcome. God's grace is sufficient to carry me through. On good days and hard days God has never failed me. It is just so hard not to forget that He is in charge, when the enemy keeps shooting flaming arrows.

  So this Thursday will mark another day in my recovery. There are many such days that have passed, and many more to come. I just show up every time, hoping and trusting in God.

  Thank you for supporting me. To those who have read and commented on this blog, I thank you so much. You have been a valuable resource in my life.

My biggest week

  Life for me will be changing this week in a very big way. Thusrday will be the culmination of events that I caused. I enter this week with fear, hope, and faith.

  Why, if I trust God implicitly with my life, would I have fear in my list? Just because I trust God completely, and I do, doesn't mean my mind doesn't explore the negative side of things. I "turn my thoughts over", yet those thoughts still happen.

  I choose to be vague about what might be happening.  There is only so much I am willing to disclose in a public forum. Those I have hurt in my life have the right to share how they were hurt publicly, I don't.

  That being said, let me chronicle a little of what has changed already I'm my life: July 5th of 2010 I drank my last drink of alcohol, August of 2010 I devoted/recommited my life to God in Christ, October of 2010 I gave God my sexuality (no sex with anyone, including myself, other than my wife), and I have been daily praying and reading my bible since October of 2010. The list could be populated with many smaller victories, such as the day I shared all my moral shortcomings with someone else, but those smaller stories would take a book to write down.

  Recovery has been a long and painful path. There has never been, nor will there ever be, a day when it has reached culmination. Even so, there has been many days of "reaching the mountain tops of faith". I love those days!

  I have many new friends. God has become tangible and accessible. My relationship with my parents and sister has been restored. I have a great new Pastor who knows me and still loves me. I have a support group who calls me on my bull fertilizer. I listen to my wife. I "walk" with a purpose. Incapacitating fear hasn't happened in a long time.

  My life has many more obstacles to overcome. God's grace is sufficient to carry me through. On good days and hard days God has never failed me. It is just so hard not to forget that He is in charge, when the enemy keeps shooting flaming arrows.

  So this Thursday will mark another day in my recovery. There are many such days that have passed, and many more to come. I just show up every time, hoping and trusting in God.

  Thank you for supporting me. To those who have read and commented on this blog, I thank you so much. You have been a valuable resource in my life.

Preaching

  Last night I had a very vivid dream about preaching. I will share about yesterdays activities that led up to the dream, then share the gory details.

  I listen to a great podcast called "Key Life". Steve Brown, the host, shares lots of good insight into loving one another. His focus is mainly teaching Christians to set aside the issues that are secondary and love each other primary. This is far easier said than done!

  Steve spoke about teaching at a very "conservative" conference. His job was to preach three or four times. Before he got to preaching someone caught him smoking his pipe. They really thought about kicking him out, not letting him preach, they may have even doubted his salvation. After scolding him not to smoke, they let him teach, but if he smoked again he gets the boot. He complied and did the teaching.

  The last time Steve was speaking he figured he better leave it all on the line. Why get the boot for a small thing like smoking? He unloaded the full arsenal. So, midway thru his teaching he stopped. He asked the audience if he could just speak plainly for a while.

  Steve shared how his grandfather had commited suicide. How his father abandoned him. How, at 14, he had to confront his fathers mistress. Then he spoke how God's grace led him out of all that destruction and loved him the way he needed.

  The silence was only broken by the tears. A man came up to him and shared about how his father had commited suicide, the man had never shared that before! Many other people approached him with their hurts and he was able to share God's comfort. He spent the rest of the weekend helping others get over their pain. Suicide vs smoking, I think he chose wisely!

  Then last night I got to see Chaplin Gordon at the truckstop in Troutdale, Oregon. We debated the usual stuff (predestination, baptism, bibles, all the "good stuff"). Suddenly the conversation shifted. He spoke about John chapter 17, the Lord's prayer. Not the prayer Jesus gave as an exsample, rather the actual prayer Jesus spoke. In that prayer Jesus says in verse 21 that He prays for us "that they all may be one" and further in verse 23, "I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me".

  Gordon and I went on to talk about the need for brotherly love. Gordon is fundamental baptist by all counts, yet he loves his brothers and chooses to have fellowship with them, even if they disagree on secondary stuff.

  My mind was primed. I had been filled with great information. I hit the pillow thanking God for such a great day filled with great teaching, from two different sources no less! Then I dreamed, oh boy did I ever!

  I was in a huge by large assembly of Bible believing baptists. The preacher wasn't to be found. People knew Gordon and asked him to speak. I told Gordon that I wanted to speak if I had the chance. He said sure and taught for a while. Then came my turn.

  I approached the pulpit. It was skinny, solid wood, and well worn on the edges. The stage was ampitheater style with the audience almost circling all the way around. I asked God if I could share my story. Placing my hands on the pulpit, I opened my mouth and.... my alarm went off. Woke up by that infernal beeping!

  I have been given the priviledge to preach a few times in my life. I was always concerned with looking good or teaching just the right words. Never, I mean it, never did I try and share what God had showed me. I never talked about the trauma of growing up. I never spoke of my addictions.

  I hope God gives me the opportunity to share the truth. I really love preaching, I am not uncomfortable speaking in front of people. The only thing I am scared of preaching is falling back into the trap of being an impersonal preacher. Hiding my past while preaching is like pretending God saved a perfect man. I am not a perfect man and I shouldn't try to hide it.
 

Death and forgiveness

  Being given the gift of sobriety has many wonderful blessing, and some pain I would rather not have. Becoming "there" emotionally can be tough at times. Right now I am feeling the pain of having lived a life filled with bitterness.

  My wifes grandpa, John Davis Sr., just passed away. In years past we never visited the man. I never introduced him to his great-grandchildren. I thought I had good reasons for staying away. Today I realise I was just being a jerk. There is no valid reason for what I did. 

  I have lived a life without compassion. Sympathy, empathy, and gentleness were all words to ignore. Judgementalism and a condemning spirit were my creed.

  One day God pulled at me and drew me out of the cesspool of my own sins. My sins were horrible (they still are). I am completely amazed that God could forgive me. He paid a terrible price for my sins.

  I wish I could time travel and not be that hurtful man.

  My failure as a father and grandson-in-law is on display. I tears me apart to not have the opportunity to love John Davis Sr. in this life. I squandered my chance.

  Some sweet day I will meet this man. Neither of us will have any sin on us. Praise God! Jesus will have brought us to heaven and there will be wonderful reunions. I never met him, so I guess it will be a glorious union!

  At the end of the Lords Prayer it says, "Forgive us as we forgive others". I failed miserably to forgive much of anyone, ever. So let me finish up with a verse that speaks about how I should forgive as a Christian.

  Ephesians 4:31-32
  "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

  Oh dear friend, what a marvelous gift of forgiveness Christ offers. How is it that I spent so long refusing to grant that same gift to others? With God's grace, I hope to never be the same again.

  To those that I hurt by my actions,  I am sorry, I was wrong for not visiting Grandpa John Davis Sr.  I chose to satisfy my own desires and I wasn't a godly man.

Into the dark

Matthew 10:27 What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops.

  How many times have you read this verse? Dozens, perhaps hundreds? I only just understood this verse yesterday. I learn quick!

  What is this "darkness" that is being spoken of? Is it a place where God isn't? Well, no, it can't be. He says He will tell you stuff there.

  Is it a literal dark place? I don't think God is referring to us needing to cut the lights to hear Him.

  So what is it? I propose it is a place where you are frightened, feel alone, and you quietly wait upon The Lord. In that place God will give you some words and likely a vision.

  Let's not get all mystical and weird about "the vision" stuff. Just understand that God can show you what you can be, if you let Him have His way. Oh what a glorious thought that is!

  But that darkness is so terrifying. Nobody likes to be plunged into a place where we feel all alone and lost. The Bible speaks in many places about "groping in darkness". Stop groping. We often grasp at anything we can feel in hopes of getting out of the darkness.

  Off the top of my head, here is a list of things people grope for in the darkness:
Relationships
Jobs
Freedom
Church
Food
Alcohol
Politics
Legalism
Music
Food (darn I already said that)
Clothing and fashion
Video games
Drugs
Ad infinitim.....

  Anything we try getting comfort from, while in the darkness, will become an idol and a vice. This is the battle ground of addiction. We choose a poor substitute over Gods perfect love. Everyone has done it, none are excempt. No not one!

  However, if we will wait upon The Lord, He will speak to our very souls. What He tells us, in darkness, He wants us to share. Here is where that can get dicey.

  If we share what we were taught, but refuse to say it came while we were in darkness, nobody else will care to listen. We will have a message of hope without a basis for the hope.

  Dear friend, speak about the lonliness, talk about the fear, and in so doing you will cause others to seek God it their dark times. Failure to share about your own darkness will cause those same people to think recovery isn't possible. After all, how could you understand, you aren't familiar with darkness. That's what they will think.

  So share your story. Don't hide any failures. Don't cast light into your dark past. Just tell it like it was and you will draw others out of darkness and into light. Try not to paint yourself as never failing after you found God.

  One last thought. If Romans 7 were not in the Bible, we might have thought Paul never stumbled. Because he chose to be vulnerable, I have hope. I don't think any less of Paul because of his failures. In fact, it makes what he said ever more real to me. 

  Its not easy sharing about the darkness. Being vulnerable seems dangerous. We like to hide the darkness and never bring it up. But that's not the way God wants it done. 

Today

  Today I began to think about tomorrow and boy did it mess me up. I keep trying to teleport my thoughts into the future just hoping to gain the perspective of what I might find there.

  I don't know how Gods prophets did it. How could they gain access to such information and still function in their "todays". Truth be told, so almost couldn't.

  Take Paul for instance. He was caught up into heaven. He saw the glory and beauty of what is beyond this life. Then he was brought back. He said that he would depart and go back, if he had the choice, but Gods will was for him to help the church today.

  I wonder what my future will hold. If I could have just a vision of it I would likely panic or write a book of what I had seen. I find it curious that Paul did neither. He only mentioned the experience in the third person. Its as if he knew that dwelling on the future only brings heartache into today, no matter how wonderful the future may be.

  I get overly anxious about the future. Some call that "future trippin". That's a good way to look at it. I have come from such depravity and darkness I don't even like approaching spiritual shadows. Yet I allow the future to cast shadows into today.

  Please don't freak out about these thoughts. Normally I try and be much more uplifting. I just need to barf out some of the refuse that I find lurking in my soul. I find that true friends are those whom I share my faults with and they still love me.

  Jesus is such a great deliverer. He has reached into the darkest mire and pulled me out. He is scrubbing me clean. Its a bit like cleaning a septic tank, the "stuff" keeps coming. But He is faithful, He will finish the job.

  I really laughed at that septic tank line! I don't think I could use that in church, but that picture really gets it!

Valentines day

  I like holidays that have a mystery surrounding them. Valentines day is no exception. There are plenty of legends and myths associated with the day. One thing is certain, it has been observed for hundreds of years.

  Seeing as it has been celebrated for so long, why do some men take issue with the day?

  Growing up I thought that the day was another contrived hallmark holiday. I would never participate in such commercialism!

  Further messing me up was my dad. His lack of romance and "wooing" is truly epic. So, of course, I ended up with a warped view of the day.

  I want to set some things straight about Valentines day or, at the very least, firmly crooked.

  Women love romance. Big shocker, huh? They may recognize the commercialism of Valentines. They may think its a bit of a gimmic. They may know those flowers will die. They may even tell you that the day is not important. DON'T FALL FOR IT! All around them they will see love flowing. They would like to drink from its streams. They NEED to know that they are captivating your imagination.

  Consider the only rated R book of the Bible, Song of Solomon. The romance is terrific! Theolgical types will say something stodgy like, "Its a metaphor for the church and Christ. The symbolism gives the believer hope in this church age". Aww, ain't that so sweet! C'mon dude, its a romance story! Rated R for romance!

  Sure the Song of Solomon may have doctrinal implications, but what about the practical love it shows? Dear male reader, try and outdo the love you see in that book. You up to that?

  Why do we choose to underplay a day about love? Does not the Bible teach that our marriage is a picture of the love of Christ and the church? Why not proclaim our love louder than any other men? Do you want the pagan and heathen to show their love more than you show yours?

  Hold it now pard'na. Am I saying that we have to compete with the world on Valentines day? Well yes, sort of! However, our love needs to be displayed all the time. People should read First Corinthians chapter 13 and see that love in our marriage. Men, you must take the lead.

  Are you concerned with sharing the gospel? That's excellent, you should be. However, if you do not show love for your bride in a way others understand, why would they listen to you about the love of Christ. You have not demonstrated that love, they won't believe you. Show some grace. Don't argue or fight in front of others. Have some tact man! Better yet, next time show compassion and be kind, don't air your frustrations!

  Men, we must become lovers. We should ravish our wives hearts. They should know that they are beautiful and loved. Go to it! Don't be afraid or nervous, embarassed or shy, just display your love.

  Love her with the passion of Christ!
  With a great desire, desire her!
  Sacrifice yourself for her!
  Be gentle and sweet to her!
  Proclaim your love for her!
  Be giddy in love about her!
  And buy some flowers too you fool!

 

The Fight

  "Ladies and Gentlemen", (read this in your ring announcer voice), "in this corner, wearing the gold trunks, we have Reasons. He is looking good tonight. His fighting record is undefeated! Oh, but wait dear friend, the contender has just entered the ring. The crowd is going wild, clearly he is the crowd favorite. He has never won a battle but they all love him, Excuses." (Insert crowd noise and applause here)

  The battle between Reasons and Excuses. Seems simple when you read it. Ah, things are never that simple, are they?

   When we have a reason for something, it never brings  guilt or shame. Even if others wonder if your reason is correct, it doesn't matter. There is a reason and others can stuff it.

  But those excuses! We always hope others will see them as reasons. They seldom do! We all try to be kind and gentle, but excuses drive everyone bonkers.

  How do we get from excuses to reasons then? Is there some magic pixie dust we can sprinkle or a cup of unicorn tears we can drink that will magically change us? (By the way, unicorn tear powered cars are awesome!)

  Back to the story.

  Often times we have no reason for something. Take our choice in food. Their is seldom an allergy to something, it is usually just personal choice. Why do we offer excuses for our personal preferences?

  Think about it! We think we are being more acceptable to others by giving them an excuse about food, rather than just saying, "I don't have to have a reason to dislike that food, I just don't".

  Okay, that makes sense for food, but serious matters are much more difficult to deal with. I will ask a tough question then try to answer the question.

  Is it ever ok to offer an excuse for the behavior of myself or someone I love? Keep in mind excuses are at their core lies.

  Um, I was going to answer that but my pen is running low on ink and I don't have another. Darn. Next time folks!

  (Back to the announcer) "Its been an epic battle. The crowd was so excited about the fight. Excuses never got a punch in, but he is so fast on his feet, it took Reason three rounds to knock him down. The first and only punch thrown by Reasons was a knockout blow! Tune in next week friends."

  Next weeks battle (cue the trumpets please)
Compassion versus Enabling, its an epic battle to the death!

The greatest sermon I never heard

  Years ago we had a travelling evangelist visit our church. He talked about lots of important things, but one sermon really stuck. The thing is, I never heard him preach the sermon. The title was awesome.

"One more night with the frogs"

  No, ladies, its not about marriage.

  The story takes place back in Exodus 8:9-10. That's an easy address to remember!

  The Lord had sent the plague of frogs. These frogs were everywhere. Eventually the Pharoah tired of having the problem around and asked Moses to have them removed. The Pharoah promised to let the people go, if the frogs were gone.

  Moses's reply was, "When do you want the frogs gone?"

  Pause here for consideration ---------

  If you were the Pharoah and Moses asked you when you would like the frogs removed, what would your reply be? "As soon as possible please", that's what I would say. Would you spend another night with the frogs?

  Pharoah said, "Tomorrow". Tomorrow! He is a fool! Why not now? Why did Pharoah choose one more night with the frogs?

  Perhaps he thought they might leave on their own. Perhaps the magicians convinced him that they needed just a little more time to take care of the problem themselves. Regardless the reason, Pharoah chose to continue living with the frogs, just one more night.

  What's the point of that sermon? Do you have a "plague or issue" that you are telling God, "Just one more night"?

  Why would we choose to remain in the problem when God can deliver today?

  Again, it the greatest sermon I never heard preached. I will always remember the punchline at the end. I hope I never decide to live with another "frog" another night. How about you?

Fasting part two

  At the start of this sentence I have 7 minutes left on my 24hr fast. I have prayed many times for my friend. It is really amazing how focused my prayer life has been today.

  Will I fast again? Yes. I think that God could lead me to fast again. It was a great experience.

  I am down to two minutes. I am going to pray again then eat a snickers bar. They really satisfy!

Fasting

  I am in the middle of a fast, a one day fast. To you super-power-fasters out there this blog may seem wussy.

  First some history:

  I have only attempted one fast prior to this one I am on now. My wife and I had been taught about fasting and thought we should give it a try. We heard that first timers should go for one day but the super-duper-spiritual go upwards of five days. We set our sights on three days. 

  We had no real target for this fasting. We had just heard about "revelations" and "insights" God can give you whilst fasting. I think I was trying to leverage God by fasting. 

  To prepare for the fast we consumed a very large meal the night before. It was a very good meal (we spent three days food budget on the meal). We were stuffed and ready to start. Dumb move!

  Somewhere the next day my mind started thinking about the leftovers. I was entering into dilemma land.

  My wife and I came to the same conclusion. Maybe a one day fast would be better. I think we might have made it the 24hrs on sheer will power alone.  

  Honestly, I haven't spent much time thinking about it since. Those who fast always seemed strange to me and I wasn't really interested, until last night. (Cue the dramatic music here)

  A dear brother in Christ is having a crisis in his marriage. Divorce looks probable. My heart cries for him and his possible loss. It tears me up. I wept at the news. He has been trying so hard to rescue the marriage. I hope he doesn't leave anything on the table. He needs to be able to pray, "Lord, I am giving all, please help rescue the marriage and hold me close even if it fails".

  While talking about his struggle someone mentioned fasting and praying for the situation. I thought about that nice loaf of artisan bread I had just gotten and the soup I was going to have with it. Could I sacrifice these things to focus on prayer for my friend? I love my friend more than food. I entered into the covenant.

  I think having a focused target is the key to fasting. Anytime I am having a desire for food my mind remembers my friend and I pray again. My heart breaks for him more than my tummy aches for food.

  I think I finally understand fasting. Oh sure its painful and difficult, but I really want to pray.  

A patient spirit

  Often times in life I am incredibly impulsive. I get an idea in my head that I need to purchase something, then I obsess over it until I do. What a nightmare!

  I think marketers have been aware of my impulsivity for years. The stock the isles in the stores with the things they want me to buy in such a way that those things "catch" my eye. This is most apparent at the checkout.

  The checkout has lots of little trinkets, snacks, magazines, and sodas. Each targeting a specific group of people. Think about how often you travel down the candy or magazine isles, likely not much. But everytime you shop you see candy and magazines, cause they place them in our way at checkout.

  I wish my impulsiveness was limited to the few dollars spent at the checkout. Alas, I suffer from deeper issues.

  "Instant Gratification" is what causes the most grief. Its not that the things I want are bad or wrong, I should just be patient and get them at the proper time.

  So what do I do about it?

  A good friend and I discussed this today. We came up with a plan. Call a friend before making an "impulsive" puchase. This doesn't have to be for a small item, rather it should help guard us from bigger items (say $50 or more).

  Obviously, prayer and contact with God has to be active in the picture. The money is His after all. Before all! Right?

  Those times that I kick myself for being so impulsive seem to come and go. I seldom remember in time to stop myself.

  I have yet to purchase anything that really changed my life on an impulse. When I plan out my purchases, pray about them, then go ahead, I never get "burned". Oh sure, I have bought things that I was sure were ok then they weren't, but God measures the heart.

  I hope I get better with God's money in the future. He sure is trusting a dummy with it!   

The sly serpent

  That ole serpent is a crafty one indeed. The Bible speaks of him as being a lion, seeking whom he may devour. He has millions of tricks for tripping people up. And he has no compassion for anyone, anywhere, at anytime.

  He is our adversary. His schemes often go unnoticed by us until it is too late. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

  Why does he take such an interest in us? What value does he achieve by making us fail? Are we able to defeat him or at least thwart his plans? Can we just "bind him up"?

  I don't subscribe to the "bind him up" kind of prayers. I see nobody in the entire cannon of scripture once bind up Satan and his plans. God certainly does, we however don't have that ability. (The section that talks about things being bound on earth by us should closely be studied, its not talking about Satan)

  And why would we think we did have the power to "bind him up"? Satan has been given power and authority, but only as much as God will allow. So then our battle is not with Satan. He may buffet us, throw flaming arrows at us, tempt us, but God always provides a way out.

  The battle is: Will we choose to give in to our desires or will we choose the escape God has provided?

  That is tougher to answer than it might seem. Some avenues that are provided for escape are no fun at all. They often seem more difficult than staying. If we are given over to failures in the past, escape may seem impossible.

  Insert a bible story here....

  Let's consider Joe. Joe was a good man, honorable in all his ways. The bosses wife "liked" Joe. One day she grabs him and starts pulling him towards the bed. What's a man to do?  What would you do? An opportunity to have casual sex, with no commitment, doesn't come along every day! Did Joe ever think about this before?

  Joe remains true to God. He runs for the door. she is insulted. He gets thrown in prison on false rape charges, but he is still honorable.   

  You likely are familiar with the story. Joe ends up being rescued from prison, by God, and ends up saving his entire family.

  What if you didn't know the end of the story? What if all you knew was he ran, then went to prison? Would you think him smart to choose prison over sex? He didn't know prison was going to happen, he just saw the door and ran, leaving the Devil eating dust.

  God's way out sent Joe to prison.

  Compare our own lives to that! We worry more about what people will think than what God will think! We often worry about our appearance more than offending God! Oh my! Forget prison, what about my pride?!!

  "What if I offend this woman by not 'being nice and polite' back?"

  Forget that! She is NEVER worth it. Nothing about her is! No matter how sweet and innocent she may be, if you get "that feeling" about her, run dear friend! Don't look back. Her ways go down into the pit. Destruction is her end. Nothing good will ever come by staying.

  She is being used by Satan to overthrow God's purpose in your life.

  Is she satanic? Most likely, no! She may be the most sweet, church going, God fearing, woman around. Let her get in your head, POW!, a satan sucker punch.

  What do you do when you see her? Freak out and run away? Nope. Let's be real here. We have to function in a real society.
 
  So, just be distant. No engaging conversations. No lingering looks. No compliments on her attire. Act like a dweeb. Make her want to walk away, not because you were rude, but because you are a dull dweeb. If she likes dull dweebs, run man run! 

  "But Joshua, we are only friends, nothing more. I think it's ok if we ___________. " Fill in the blank. Has she caught your "attention"? If yes, nothing you put in the blank is safe. Deal with it dude. 

  Let's stop pretending we are playing a game with the Devil. He only wants us destroyed. He only stops if God makes him. God has given us the strength to get thru any attack. Don't give an inch to the Devil. You are fighting for God's holy home. Defend it well.

Emergency instructions

  We have all flown on commercial airlines. Well, at least most of us have, perhaps many times even. Remember those instructions the stewardess, oops forgot my political correctness, um flight attendant, would give out at the beginning of the flight?

  The review would include where the escape hatches were. What to do in case of smoke entering the cabin. How to disarm a devout muslim (no need to worry about the backslidden ones! Aww c'mon its a joke right?). Water landing instuctions. The seat bottom doubles as a floatation device. You remember them, right? Me neither.

  Turns out, we don't pay attention too well to things we don't think will happen.

  Today I listened to a show and the lady spoke about one of those instructions. She had been in a destructive relationship and kept trying to "fix" the dude. Want to know the instruction that helped her?

  If the cabin loses pressure, or smoke fills the plane, air masks will fall from the ceiling. Place the mask over your face then wrap the straps around your head. (Here is the important bit) If you are taking care of someone who will need your assistance putting on their mask, put yours on first then put theirs on.

  Understand this, you must be in safety before you can rescue someone else. If not, you both might not make it.
  I could spin this into a great metaphor for our Christian life, but you have already thought of an application that works for you. Follow the safety instructions dear friend. Another emergency is likely to happen again.

Count em up

  Remember the childrens song, "Count your blessings, name them one by one"?

  I am just sitting here marveling at the great mercy God has given in my live. A little over one and a half years ago I thought my life was over, friends would be gone, and my family would have disowned me.

  Sure there are those "friends" who are no longer my friends. And, there are family members who have no idea what to think and thus might choose to remain upset. But my life, it has never ever been this good.

  Today I have a loving relationship with God. I think about spending time with him in the same terms I think about spending time with my bride. I imagine a lifelong romance with my creator.

Let me explore this thought a bit. Do a lil' compairing. 

  My bride is a gorgeous woman. She has captivated my thoughts as well as my eyes. I daydream about her often. I know that I know her but a little. My desire is to know her more and more with each passing day. When she smiles my heart blossoms. When her eyes twinkle at me I almost faint. Ohh baby!

  I have been asking God what I could do to develope the same "practical" love for him. I see my wife's beauty and I adore her, in what sense can I have this towards God? What is the equivalent to holding hands with my bride? Can I hold hands with God?

  I really would like to know what this should look like. I look out and God's creation and I see magnificent beauty, but that isn't Him. Just like I see my wife's beauty, but that isn't her. I want to know the genuine beauty, that alluring love that God created. 

  How is God's love for me supposed to be similar to my love for my bride?

  Jesus commands me to submit to my wife and sacrifice myself for her. Pour out my life for her. He says my prayers will be hindered if I fail to do this. Yikes, I don't want hindered prayers! I am to love her as Christ loves the church. Christ loved me BEFORE I loved him. Radical! What a great love he gave. I must try and give this love towards my bride even when she doesn't love me back. But, God will always love me back. 

  Back to the idea of spending time with God. I am a romantic. I like waterfalls, flowers, sunsets, all that gooey stuff. I like having my wife next to me in those romantic times. How can I create a romance between me and God.

  I am not trying to be weird here. I simply want romance with God. To be enamored with Him. Maybe I should write Him a poem or psalm. Perhaps I should take Him on a walk. We could enjoy a sunset together. Now I am getting the picture! Take God with me wherever I go, but specifically, take him places I want to take my wife.

  I got off the target of talking about blessings. I really needed to express myself about romance. I gotta go find a beach, lake, or stream, and take God on a nice walk. Spend the time just talking with Him. Ask Him what things please Him. Then ask Him where we should go on our next date. I am sure He has some wonderful ideas.

 

Bad teeth and sour grapes

Ezekiel 18:2 - "What mean ye, that ye use this proverb concerning the land of Israel saying, The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are on edge?"

  The idea that God is getting across is that my basic desire to blame others (specifically parents) has to be stopped. Until I take responsibility, no progress in my relationship to God will be found. Tough words indeed!

  But does it make sense? I mean, obviously the decisions made by the parents will have a factor in what happens to the kid. If the dad is mean, lazy, isolationist, lying, sexually immoral, etc..., wouldn't it make sense his child would be as well? I would think so.
  Here is the thing to take notice of, the children in this chapter (Ez 18) are having communication with God. In this world many things that we do can be traced back to our upbringing. God understands that. He says that the Gentiles are a law unto themselves. Hence, if you were born a Gentile, you would not know the Law of God. But God gives you the law on your heart and then you must choose to obey.

  So then, when we start communicating with God, He is the perfect judge. He knows when we do things by our invisible upbringing or when we do them by rebellion. To rebel against what we know is right is sin. 

  We may look at our employment, education, housing, car, habits, etc..., and think, "My parents are to blame". Blame for what? Not having as nice of things as I think I should.

  Were we commanded to worry about what we wear, what we eat, or where we live? Just checking. 

  Let us use the perfect example. Jesus. His father was The Father. He came into our world, not by demand, but by choice. Jesus lived a much rougher life than mine. Then, out of his own volition, died on the cross. At that very moment the payment for every sin ever committed was paid for. That is really taking the sour grapes thing to the extreem! Jesus really did have to pay for what everyone else did. The payment was huge.

  Did Jesus complain during any of this? Was he bitter that this was going to happen?

  I am not saying we should imitate Jesus and sacrifice ourselves. Sometimes we should, but that's not the point of this blog.

  The point is, when we start communicating with God, He holds us accountable for our actions. We better get this correct here and now, for the Bible teaches that we store up judgement for the day of wrath. Sort of an unholy savings account, each sin is a new deposit and we sure like to save up those points! Stop saving up wrath dear friend. Jesus paid it all.

  So, mom and dad, I guess I should stop blaming you. You likely blame yourself enough for the both of us. My life is what I have made it. My choices, my problems.

  Today I choose to follow God. He promises that if I will give my life to him, he will take good care of it. I will never be alone and I will have nothing I need to worry about. That's an awesome promise!

Picking at wounds

  Why is it in my life I like to scratch at my fresh wounds? I am often obsessed with picking at my scabs, not just in a figurative way.

  The real scabs I would receive from my adventures in childhood were lots of fun to pick at. Heck, I still do! My mom would tell me things like, "Stop picking at them, if you don't you will get scars". Boys love scars. Chicks dig them!

  This reminds me of that old elementary school joke. The one with the little girl eating corn flakes only to have her little brother ask if she had seen his scab collection he had misplaced.

  I need to stop being gross in these blogs. Everyone will stop reading them. Guess my humor is twisted!

  Back to the concept at hand.

  When wounded emotionaly or spiritualy, I tend to take a sadistic pleasure in picking at my wounds. I play the scenario over and over again. It is as if I enjoy revelling in the pain.

  This happens worst when I get into a depressive cycle. One of the hallmarks of depression is thinking only in absolutes. "Things will NEVER get better". "I ALWAYS mess up". "Never" and "Always" thinking is a sure sign that I am slipping into a funk. Then begins the picking of the scabs.

  What can be done about it? When I catch myself getting into thinking only in absolutes, I must remember that God is the only unchanging absolute. He never changes. His love for me is as full and bright today as it ever was in the past.

  The opposite of depression is called "manic". I am a somewhat depressive but not so much a manic. But I would like to throw in a thought about mania that I relate to.

  A sure sign of mania is thinking only in grandeous thoughts. "I will ALWAYS be doing this good". "I am the BEST". "Failure will NEVER happen again". Notice the similarity to depression? They are polar opposites, hence the term "Bi-polar". They used to be called manic depressives.

  I relate to mania and depression. I don't swing into the extreems that a bi-polar will, but I have the tendency to think great thoughts sometimes and horrible thoughts at others.

  Let me bring it back around to the scab picking. I tend to either pick at my wounds and think that healing won't happen OR I see my scars and think that I will never be wounded again. Neither are true.

  I hope this makes sense. I don't think I will ever be able to write in a way you can understand. Then again, I think I write better than anybody. Oh no, there I go again!

   I am going to eat a bowl of cornflakes and try and figure this out. I don't have a little brother, I should be fine.  

 

Bad singing in church

Here's a singer that should make you feel better if you don't think you sing well. I just hope the video has been dubbed over or was just a guy making a silly video, cause I mean like really! Oh well, have fun and smile. This should be a ring tone!

Anger management

  A good friend and I were discussing the finer points of being angry. The general conclusion we came to was, God doesn't want us to be angry about anything except those things that attack our brothers or God. Now, God is tough and can handle himself, so I guess that leaves our brothers (this includes our families).

  Suppose we have a brother that is being taught that he could lose his salvation. The person teaching that is a heretic. The bible commands us to stand up to a heretic, then if he doesn't listen, leave him alone.

  Let's explore a Biblical example of anger being used correctly. Peter, the apostle, was spending time with the Paul and the gentiles. The bible teaches that Peter was excersizing the freedom the gentiles enjoyed by eating with them.

  It is a heresy to teach that what you eat or drink has any bearing on salvation. "How" you eat or drink might have something to do with salvation. But only in the sense of repentance of sins and turning to Christ. If you are a drunk, you must repent of drunkeness. You may or may not succeed in stopping drinking, but you must repent.

  Back to Peter. He is enjoying the liberty of the gentiles. Bacon double cheeseburger please! Then along comes his old buddies, the circumcision guys. Peter abandons his gentile friends and cuddles up to the legalists. Behold, Peter the lap dog.

  Paul is furious. He strips Peter down by pointing out the hypocrisy. Basically, if Peter wanted to be a legalist, so be it, but if he wanted liberty, stand for that like a man.

  So you see, it can be ok to display a bit of anger. Let's explore the other side, reasons anger can be bad.

  If we get angry about anything going wrong that we helped cause, we are in sin. Read that again you manly man! Did you help cause the problem? You have no right to be angry about it. Period!

  Does this really need to be explained? I don't want to place any examples here. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings. Suffice to say, if you helped cause the problem, have sympathy towards those who are struggling thru those consequences.

  Ok, I just thought of a good example. Suppose a man is a farmer. Year after year he let's the weeds slowly take over the farm. One day he looks up, recognizes the destruction, and gets to work fixing the problem.

  His wife and kids start pulling weeds and helping. But they tire quickly and want to be done. Perhaps they aren't very good at weed pulling and don't accomplish much. The man begins to get upset that the family isn't pulling weeds like they should. 

  HOW DARE THAT MAN BE ANGRY WITH THEM! HE CAUSED THE PROBLEM!

  Ok calm down Josh. I just get pissed at myself because I did this kind of crap to my own friends and family. I feel like a turd for doing it. All around me I see men doing the same thing. Heartbreaking.

  Wow, how did I end up here in my writing. I am a little angry. Is it good anger or bad?

  We men have forgotten what gentleness is. When real men get frustrated at the weeds they start pulling the weeds. If the family doesn't join them, he cries out to God for mercy on the family. He is gentle and strong, knowing the "wrath of weeds" he has brought upon his family.

  This goes back to the medic or warrior discussion. A warrior should be pissed off, it helps him whack heads off! A medic should be gentle, knowing the pain of the wounded.

  Choose your anger wisely dear reader. Anger can be productive but it also can be profoundly destructive. Be careful.      

  

Injured brothers

  Addictions are very difficult to overcome. Trusting God with recovery from addiction requires complete honesty and a commitment to do the things that God indicates to do. God will place us well outside of our comfort zone, so it involves a lot of pain. The thing is, our comfort zone is the wrong place to be. Placing our faith in God to carry us thru the discomfort of recovery creates a new "comfort zone". "The Comforter Zone". God's Holy Spirit.

  I bring all this up because of a brother who has stumbled. I, and others, hadn't heard from him for a while. We hoped he was doing well. He wasn't. His relapse is heartbreaking. I wanted so much to shake him and warn him that there was danger ahead. But, he wanted to trust worldy solutions to spiritual problems. 

  Its a tough dilema figuring out the balance between caring enough to say something and being overbearing. When someone isn't reaching out for the help that they should want, it breaks my heart. Are we responsible to beg or plead with someone to get right before God? Unfortunately, nope.

  Our responsibility is to love, care, pray, and exhort our fellow brothers. We are to encourage them unto good things. If they stumble, it is NOT our responsibility to kick them at all. We are medics to our brothers and warriors to our enemies. 

  Truth be told, we sometimes are amazed that others aren't where we are spiritualy. This very fact is the peak of pride. We assume they aren't where we are because we are so much better than they. That is why the bible tells us to check ourselves before helping our brothers lest we fall as well. Remember, pride comes before a fall. Our pride says, "They fell cause they don't love God like I do". Be careful with those thoughts, dear reader. God takes a dim view of proud people. 

  I must love and pray for my brother. He is bruised and battered. He is going toe to toe with a great enemy and he can be victorious in Christ. It is not a question of him knowing Christ (he professes faith), it is a question of trusting God's word to do what it says it will do.

  So, I will carry my weak brother. I do this because I love him and I want God to be glorified.

  We battle as men. God's men. The only people who don't get injured in a war are the people who aren't fighting. So let's not pretend that an injured brother isn't a warrior, let's bandage him up, give him his weapon, and get back to fighting! Hoo-rah! Semper fi!